Blanket Quotes

“A brick could be used to increase your annual sales. But before you can sell, you’ve got to buy. For just $9.99 I’ll show you how a common brick can transform you into an uncommon salesman. 
”
― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A brick could be used as a child’s game to improve memory. I forgot how exactly, but then I never played much. 
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― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A brick could be tied to a cape, and then exalted as a superhero. Is that any more absurd than Superman?
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― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A blanket could be used to wrap up all the love I have to offer you, so it’ll be easier for you to carry it across the desert. You’d better get walking, because me and my camel won’t be stopping until we have to pee.
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― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“I lay warm in bed like a melted marshmallow in a graham cracker. I really wish my blanket wasn’t so rigid and crumbly.
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― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A brick could be covered in black fur, cradled, pet, and called Mr. Fizzlebush. The best part is that since it’ll sit still and silent on the bed, it won’t meow or run away when you want to snuggle.
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― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A brick could be used to help you maintain a balanced diet, by keeping your head perfectly still with the brick steady on your skull while you eat.
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― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A brick could be used as a substitute for the brother I never had. It seems ridiculous, but I’ve always wanted a brother who was smarter than the average politician.
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― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A blanket could be used to show people the benefits of sleeping with a parachute—especially if you’ve got a flying bed like I do. 
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― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“Bricks could be used like trophies. And if we give them to everyone, just for participating, then collectively we could build a big House of Emptiness.
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― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A brick could be exchanged for a bar of gold. But be sure you wait until the owner of the gold isn’t looking before you make the switch. 
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― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A blanket could be used to fix your broken marriage. You’ll also need duct tape, an empty car trunk, a getaway driver, and the most opportune moment to snatch your mother-in-law away to never be seen or heard from again. 
”
― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A brick could be used to foretell the future. But I’m the only one alive who knows how to make it work, and my occult knowledge can be rented out to you for $9.99 per minute. Call now, as supplies are limited. (Technically there’s only one future, but there are also as many futures as there are people willing to pay for it.)
”
― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A blanket could be used to keep an iceberg warm. People are so selfish and want to stop global warming. Well, if you were a snowman, and were cold all the time, wouldn’t you welcome a little summer into your winter?
”
― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“Cats are living, breathing blankets. But a blanket, no matter how furry, cannot be used like a purrless cat.
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― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“I took a nap and used a napkin as a blanket. Obviously it was a small nap.
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― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A brick could be used to soften resistance. Smash the opposition into a pulp!
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― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A blanket could be used to spread the love around. Tuck it in at the edges, so nobody can hog all the amor.
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― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A blanket could be used to cover up your infidelity. Either use the blanket to hide your cheating ways, or figure out how to fornicate with all your clothes on.
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― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: that man doesn’t have everything, because I just stole his wallet. But I can’t very well give him a gift of something I’ve just grifted. So while he’s pondering the meaning of the brick as a present, I’m off spending his money. It’s win-win for both of us. And by both of us I mean me and you, not me and him, because naturally you’ll be my accomplice, my partner, and as such you’re entitled to half. Of half. But since I’m paying you 25%, you’re paying for dinner. 
”
― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A blanket could be used to foil slave traders. But so could tinfoil and leftover meatloaf. Geez, the whole Civil War could have been avoided if only Lincoln had known that little trick.”
― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“Kick the blanket, don’t kick the bucket—especially if that bucket is full of death (or bricks).
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― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A blanket could be used as a Portable Night Generator. Just stretch it over your head, blocking your eyes from the sun in the sky, and voila! Nighttime. 
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― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A brick could be used to suppress certain groups of people, particularly those individuals who are too weak to stand up and say Hey, somebody get this brick off of me—it’s crushing me!
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― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A blanket could be used to alter the future. But so can setting your watch ahead five minutes. Trust me, I’ve been to the future, and I was late. 
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― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A blanket could be used as a distress symbol. You’ll know I’m in danger and in need of rescue, because I’ll be asleep and completely oblivious to my surroundings.”
― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A brick could be used to manipulate people into doing what you want. If anything could offer one man an unfair advantage over another, it’s a brick—especially if that brick is made of gold.
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― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A blanket could be used as a tarp to cover an outdoor swimming pool the size of a bed. As far as training goes, swimming is such a snooze of a sport that I think more pools should be as bedlike as possible. 
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― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A brick could be used to help you become an Olympic swimmer. Tie the brick around your legs and have a friend drop you off someplace, say the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and then simply swim back to shore. By the time you hit the beach, you’ll be able to swim faster than a shark. In fact, you’ll have to if you plan on making it home.
”
― Jarod Kintz, Blanket

“A brick could be used to help you to become a karate master, like I am. It’s easy to punch the brick and break it, but can you punch a brick, shatter it, and then using only your mind repiece the brick back together into one cohesive unit—and do it all faster than the shutter of the fastest camera can witness? Well, I can. You’ll have to see it to believe it, but since the human eye can’t actually visually absorb it, you’ll have to just take my word for it. 
”
― Jarod Kintz, Blanket