If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger Quotes

“The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the next day, when he returned home.
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― Jarod Kintz, If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

“Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.”
― Jarod Kintz, If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

“I work in a hotel. I know what you’re probably thinking, and no, I am not a hooker. Not unless you’re not a cop.”
― Jarod Kintz, If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

“Word of mouth—it's more powerful, more convincing, and more audible than word of hand. If you need me, I’ll be in the audience clapping.”
― Jarod Kintz, If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

“I want to make enough money to buy an island. Something modest, like Australia.”
― Jarod Kintz, If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

“A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.”
― Jarod Kintz, If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

“Men lie to get laid, women lie about orgasms, and hermaphrodites lie to themselves.
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― Jarod Kintz, If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

“I don’t like dirt, because nothing is dirtier. Except politics.
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― Jarod Kintz, If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

“If I were a professor, I’d bring my cat to class. I’d be silent until it meowed, and as soon as it did, I’d stand up and say, “Lecture’s over.”
― Jarod Kintz, If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

“I have a container full of yelling I keep in my kitchen. It makes a great cleaning product, as it’s wonderfully abrasive.”
― Jarod Kintz, If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

“I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache, they’d take me seriously. #catch22”
― Jarod Kintz, If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

“Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow.”
― Jarod Kintz, If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

“Is there a gun that shoots rain? Oh yeah, water guns. How technologically advanced we are!”
― Jarod Kintz, If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

“I collect collect calls from the 80s. I prefer them in mint condition, meaning the phone's still ringing.”
― Jarod Kintz, If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

“The butcher died, and he requested to be cremated. But I don’t want to burn him, because I like my meat medium rare.”
― Jarod Kintz, If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

“Sometimes I think I know her. This is not one of those times. This is not 3:33.”
― Jarod Kintz, If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

“I got him a cool gift. I got him a pack of razors, and a really furry dead cat.”
― Jarod Kintz, If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

“She’s the kind of woman I could see myself spending the rest of my life with—after I turn 99.”
― Jarod Kintz, If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

“When she offered me a spot of tea, I said, “No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.”
― Jarod Kintz, If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger