I Even Funnier Quotes

“A BURGER AND FRIES FIXES EVERYTHING”
― James Patterson, I Even Funnier

“third or fourth.”
― James Patterson, I Even Funnier

“think Cool Girl could ever really like me.”
― James Patterson, I Even Funnier

“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday,” he says in his deep, sleepy voice. “Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”
― James Patterson, I Even Funnier

“Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed over. The other hunter whips out his cell phone and calls 9-1-1. ‘My friend is dead!’ he gasps. ‘What should I do?’ The operator says, ‘Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’ There’s a silence. Then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the guy says, ‘Okay, now what?”
― James Patterson, I Even Funnier

“Come see-us, in our Pri-us. Wouldn’t want to be-us, in our Pri-us.”
― James Patterson, I Even Funnier

“the kind of woman you don’t want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.”
― James Patterson, I Even Funnier

“I thought we’d whip up some French toast,” says Uncle Frankie. “Should I plug in the toaster?” asks Gaynor.”
― James Patterson, I Even Funnier

“did you hear about the kid who drank eight Cokes? He burped seven up!”
― James Patterson, I Even Funnier

“Fred, came home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and looked very tired. ‘Bad day at the course?’ his wife asked. “ ‘Everything was going fine,’ said Fred. ‘Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the tenth tee.’ ‘Oh, that’s awful!’ said the wife. ‘You are not kidding,’ said Fred. ‘For the whole back nine, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.”
― James Patterson, I Even Funnier

“But always remember what Eleanor Roosevelt used to say.” “Who?” (Gaynor’s not really one for history. Maybe I can tutor him next.) “She was FDR’s wife,” says Uncle Frankie. “Oh. Cool. So who’s FDR?” “That’s not important.”
― James Patterson, I Even Funnier

“We aim to please. So you aim, too, please. I saw that once on a sign. Over a urinal!”
― James Patterson, I Even Funnier

“I guess. But not in the, uh, traditional way.”
― James Patterson, I Even Funnier

“wasn’t”
― James Patterson, I Even Funnier

“this way whenever she has one of her “amazingly awesome” ideas. “We’ll stage it in the hallway. We can borrow that cordless microphone from the chorus room. Pierce can rig it up to an amplifier. That’s all you need, right?” “Well, sometimes there’s a spotlight.…” “The drama club adviser is a pal. She’ll let us borrow it. We’re good to go.” “Mrs. Kressin? Seriously?” “Totally. You have your material ready to rock, right?” “Pretty much,” I say. “I was ninety percent locked down the day before Uncle Frankie had his heart attack.” “Well, you have all day to polish your routine. Showtime isn’t until five minutes after the final bell.”
― James Patterson, I Even Funnier

“monkey”
― James Patterson, I Even Funnier

“REALITY… Sometimes people in my dreams say crazy dumb stuff because they forget I’m in a wheelchair. Hey, I don’t blame ’em. I’d like to forget it, too. But I can’t. Of course, I keep hoping that one day I’ll see a commercial for a new wonder drug called something like Spinulax that will magically make me walk again. Unfortunately, it would probably come with a list of gross side effects like all those other pills they advertise on TV: “Spinulax may cause constipation and diarrhea. Not to mention projectile vomiting. And sudden death syndrome—as in, oops, sorry, you’re dead.”
― James Patterson, I Even Funnier

“To err is human, to forgive is divine.”
― James Patterson, I Even Funnier

“no dream comes true unless you wake up and go to work.”
― James Patterson, I Even Funnier

“many people are surprised to hear that there are comedians in Russia, but they are there. They’re dead, but they’re there.”
― James Patterson, I Even Funnier

“Oh, hello, Mr. and Mrs. Buttington. Fanny has told me so much about you.”
― James Patterson, I Even Funnier

“my forehead and armpits are spritzing like a berserk watering can cursed by an angry garden gnome. I roll out to center stage and fiddle with the microphone,”
― James Patterson, I Even Funnier

“If there”
― James Patterson, I Even Funnier