Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage. Quotes

“Children give terrible gifts because they are poor.”
― Rob Delaney, Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage.

“If you ask someone out and they say no, try it again in a few minutes wearing sunglasses and smoking a cigarette.”
― Rob Delaney, Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage.

“I became a diligent condom carrier and when most subsequent lovers had the good fortune to lie under my grunting, sweaty mass, they were always the grimacing recipient of an eager and rubber-sheathed penis boner.”
― Rob Delaney, Rob Delaney: Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage.

“I think it's important to explain that major depression is not even peripherally related to "sadness". Depression is the absence of emotion. I never cried during my darkest periods of depression. Crying would have been A HOLIDAY. It would have been FUCKING CHRISTMAS. A fight or a feeling of anger would have been AN EASTER EGG HUNT AT DISNEYLAND. I am vocal about my depression now because it was so fucking Satanically awful that I view it as one my life's primary missions to help other people understand and overcome it.

Depression kills people because in the normal weather patterns of human emotion over a day or a week or a decade, actual unipolar major depressive disorder doesn't appear. It's like The Nothing in The NeverEnding Story. It eats your anger, your sadness, your happiness, your testicle and/or ovaries.”
― Rob Delaney, Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage.

“A heart that hurts is a heart that works.” —Juliana Hatfield ”
― Rob Delaney, Rob Delaney: Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage.

“Cheesecake. Are you shitting me? Who invented that? Probably Jesus of Nazareth. Or maybe Louis Pasteur. It makes me physically sick to think that Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize, yet the name of the inventor of cheesecake isn’t tattooed on Dick Cheney’s face.”
― Rob Delaney, Rob Delaney: Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage.

“Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.”
― Rob Delaney, Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage.

“IT IS SO CURIOUS how hearing something once in your youth can dictate a thought pattern all the way through your life. I was nine, a man said something nonchalantly, and now when I see a slate at age thirty-six, as far as I'm concerned, its primary use is for beheading boys. Once that's done it can be used for roofing.”
― Rob Delaney, Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage.

“I was basically trucking along as a functional drunk who knew he had a problem but hoped nothing truly terrible would happen.”
― Rob Delaney, Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage.

“In the ambiguity and shifting playing field of adult life, I often wish I could just fill in a dot and have someone say “Yes” and hand me a chicken leg, or “No” and slap me with an old fish.”
― Rob Delaney, Rob Delaney: Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage.

“My wife is a wonderful person, but if we’d planned a trip and my hand got ripped off by an escalator, she’d be like, “Fuck you, put it in a bag and bring it.” She would be a terrible nurse and a very good drill sergeant.”
― Rob Delaney, Rob Delaney: Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage.

“It fucking stank, like a dog fart in a slaughterhouse, or if an old man prepared a cottage cheese soufflé in his underpants. There was no hiding what I’d done.”
― Rob Delaney, Rob Delaney: Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage.

“I like to imagine that those dead, unloved nut jobs became friends under the earth and have their little crazy community where they show one another the kindness they were denied while living.”
― Rob Delaney, Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage.

“To help safeguard her, I remained a vigilant bather and hand-washer. I also made sure we didn't share cups or utensils and I took strict care not to poo in her mouth, even at night.”
― Rob Delaney, Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage.

“A few days after my microwave experiment, I was sitting in class and felt a gentle “pop” on my forehead and hot liquid ran down my face. It was the burn on my forehead just tenderly exploding, of its own volition, on my eleven-year-old face. As the pus—filled with healing white blood cells—trickled down my face, I thought, “I deserve this.”
― Rob Delaney, Rob Delaney: Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage.

“We can and should complain about certain horrors of the modern world, but when it comes to the treatment of mental illness, the advances made in the last hundred years have been far more significant than the space program, nuclear fission, or even The Wire, for so many fortunate people.”
― Rob Delaney, Rob Delaney: Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage.

“Willful ignorance or resistance to alleged facts has been a big ingredient in any success I’ve had.”
― Rob Delaney, Rob Delaney: Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage.

“I looked out over a sleepy, twinkling Manhattan as I plummeted into the night. It was wonderful and visceral, like my mind and body were violently wiped clean and rebooted to take in the majesty of the experience.”
― Rob Delaney, Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage.

“Don't even FRONT like you love your family, America, or God, if you don't have a DETAILED & REHEARSED Black Friday tactical shopping plan.”
― Rob Delaney, Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage.

“My son claims he "loves me," but the contents with which he fills diapers HE KNOWS I'LL BE CHANGING suggests otherwise.”
― Rob Delaney, Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage.

“1. You're confined to a hospital bed. 2. You're 11. 3. You sustained brain damage in a car accident. -Reasons to watch shows on " The CW”
― Rob Delaney, Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage.