Meaty Quotes

“But no, I came by these feelings honestly. And I don’t accept bitter. Wounded, yes. Traumatized, sure. Grieving, okay. Anything other than bitter. I put too much work in to be callously tossed aside as bitter. Bitter is for someone who hasn’t earned it.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“You know what makes me happy? Unexpected phone calls in the middle of the day. Remembering what I liked at that one restaurant we went to that one time. Half-dead grocery store flowers just because they were on sale. A good morning text that says, “have a good day and try not to burn anything to the ground in a furious rage.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“I'm not bitter, I survived a liar. I'm not bitter, I weathered a cheater. I'm not bitter, I sustained a massive injury to the giant, bloody muscle in the center of my chest that is responsible for pumping blood through my entire body.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“I want to ride a camel to the club and valet that shit.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“I really wish I was the type of person who owned a Prius and didn’t work fifty hours a week and could spend time in the grocery store reading labels to make sure that there isn’t a drop of gelatin or honey in every single thing I put in my cart at Whole Foods.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“Because I feel like if I’m still bothering to wash my hair and take a multivitamin once in a while and read an old issue of Newsweek at the doctor’s office then I haven’t let go, I’ve just loosened my grip.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“Favorite food? Brunch and tacos.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“The first time I heard, “Sam’s just jealous because I have a man and she doesn’t” I almost shit myself laughing. You have a boyfriend, I have a cat. We’re even. Helen Keller does everything a dude does: eats my fucking food, does what the fuck she wants, leaves her shit everywhere, ruins all of my nice things, and never cleans up after her fucking self. She doesn’t tell me what she’s thinking, she rarely takes my feelings into account, she doesn’t pay attention when I talk, and she only wants affection on her terms. SOUNDS LIKE I HAVE A GODDAMNED BOYFRIEND. Or, at least, it sounds like I have your goddamned boyfriend.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“Can’t we just make holding hands while partially clothed a real motherfucking thing? Is mutual masturbation really so terrible? Because actual human sex is sometimes the goddamned worst.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“I just don’t want to do that anymore. Can’t we just lie fully clothed in bed together while holding hands and talking about how good pork belly tacos taste? I don’t want to do the “I’m sorry this is my disgusting body” apology jig ever again, nor will there ever be a time that the “just let me keep my shirt on” waltz isn’t utterly humiliating. Why must they always argue? Just let me keep this stupid long-sleeved shirt on already.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“And here is what you can say about a woman’s body when she has her clothes off: Absolutely Nothing. Listen homie, that thing that you secretly hate about my body? Don’t worry, I hate it, too. With every fiber in my weird, fibrous breasts. And I’m the one who has to deal with its daily mockery! Every mark, every scar, every scratch, every flaw: I’ve seen it, documented it, cried over it, and tried to hide it. Would it kill you to pretend it isn’t there? Or that—brace yourself—it might make me mysterious and sexy?”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“Itell anyone who is interested that my ideal long-term romantic relationship is one in which my manfriend and I have separate apartments in the same building. Or in buildings across the street from one another.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“But my love life makes me feel like a feral cat backed into a corner: spine arched, hackles raised, teeth bared, snarling and hissing at any potential liars or cheaters or opportunists who dare to get too close. I hate this idea that women are just bitter of our own accord, that we haven't been driven there by years of taking it on the chin while trying to maintain a cheerful disposition.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“So that’s that. I’m not horrible and intolerable and physically unappealing. Men don’t hate me and think I’m stupid. I’M JUST ALLERGIC TO ASSHOLES. Man, I’m so relieved. And so is my asshole.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“Anyway, we're doing it missionary style, in honor of the pilgrims...”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“It was excruciating, watching what had once been a vibrant and beautiful flower wilt and dehydrate in slow motion.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“I didn’t yet understand the difference between God and the president, yet I knew which pills went with breakfast and which ones were taken after dinner.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“Every birthday party, while all the other kids tore ass around Showbiz shrieking at a deafening volume and raucously playing arcade games, I would volunteer to stand guard over the gift table, talking about mom stuff with the moms.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“I was one of those precocious, know-it-all children: volunteering facts and figures and unsolicited answers, totally gross in my adorable smart-aleckiness. I couldn’t wait to show off how much random shit I knew;”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“I’m not mad that you lied. I’m not even mad that you kind of made me look like a pedophile. I understand why you did it, and I’d understand if you needed to do it again. Just remember next time that I am a MOTHERFUCKING JEW.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“I signed it with six little wobbly Ks.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“my vagina was a fucking celebrity.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“Every time I came to class someone would ask about “my boys,” and I would make up a story about how the nanny burned down the coach house. Or that we’d started our own pee wee football team.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“They really did believe that I had shit six strapping young men from my oozing womb hole and was now taking a design class to “satisfy my intellectual curiosity.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“And before I met that dude I didn’t know shit about sparkling water or jacuzzi bathtubs or Pratesi sheets. I didn’t know what Ezekiel bread was. Or that there are more than four types of cheese. I got a nearly perfect score on the ACT but had no idea that people actually ate uncooked vegetables that weren’tsalad.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“This is the kind of dumb shit I notice, that a bitch the circumference of my forearm took two bites out of a low-fat cheese enchilada and carelessly wasted the remaining 200 calories and three unused Weight Watchers points down the garbage disposal in the community kitchen.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“And that is humbling in the most excruciatingly uncomfortable way, sleeping surrounded by the remnants of someone else’s happy childhood.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“After the indignity of having to wrestle a motherfucking Dave Matthews Band CD from the clutches of a GROWN ASS MAN, I decided to pack my shit and fend for myself like a feral cat out on the streets.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“Dude, everyone is so fucking relaxed here.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty

“I was living the dream.”
― Samantha Irby, Meaty