Dave Barry Talks Back Quotes

“The typical Nintendo game involves controlling a little man who runs around the screen trying to stay alive while numerous powerful and inexplicably hostile forces try to kill him; in other words, it’s exactly like real life. When I play, the little man becomes highly suicidal. If he can’t locate a hostile force to get killed by, he will deliberately swallow the contents of a little electronic Valium bottle. So all my games end instantly, whereas my son can keep the little man alive through several presidential administrations.”
― Dave Barry, Dave Barry Talks Back

“Zealand, which is in the Mars Time Zone, but we were unable to locate any of the people named in the exploding cow story. We were actually starting to wonder if the Sun story was untrue when suddenly, without warning, an alert reader named Donald McEwan sent us another frightening cow-related news item. This one came from the Washington Post, and it stated—we are not making any of this up—that a Colorado State University animal-nutrition professor named Donald Johnson has been studying cow flatulence for 20 years, and has determined that the average cow emits 200 to 400 quarts of methane per day, resulting in a total annual world cow methane output of 50 million metric tons.”
― Dave Barry, Dave Barry Talks Back

“The Hawaiian language is quite unusual because when the original Polynesians came in their canoes, most of their consonants were washed overboard in a storm, and they arrived here with almost nothing but vowels. All the streets have names like Kal'ia'iou'amaa'aaa'eiou, and many street signs spontaneously generate new syllables during the night.”
― Dave Barry, Dave Barry Talks Back