Troubles and Treats Quotes

“Yes, and in just a few minutes, a dIck will be able to find your vagina without needing night vision goggles and a weed whacker.”
― Tara Sivec, Troubles and Treats

“Do not enter, closed for repairs, zombies will eat your face if you try to touch this vagina.”
― Tara Sivec, Troubles and Treats

“I've heard some strange noises every once in a while late at night and always wondered if the house is haunted. I bet it is. I bet that freaky little fucker wants to watch us have sex. Fine with me, buddy, enjoy the show. Just don't touch my ass at all during the event or I will call the Winchester brothers from Supernatural. Dean and Sam will fuck you up! I had a strange hand touch my ass one time in college during a threesome, and that's just something you don't get over. Random ass touching scares me more than spiders.”
― Tara Sivec, Troubles and Treats

“Are you really going back there with me?" I ask.

"Hell yes I am. Your wish is finally coming true. I will see your vagina. Plus, I really want to see the look on that woman's face when she gets a peek at your plethora of pubes. Your copious curls, your abundant bush, the wild mane that if it sees a spark will start a forest fire," she states.

"Are you finished?" I ask irritably.

"I think so. But give me five minutes and I might be able to get one more in.”
― Tara Sivec, Troubles and Treats

“Really?   Because I recall you asking the Elvis impersonator at your Vegas wedding if he could add a line to Jenny’s vows that said, ‘I promise to always give blow jobs with a smile on my face and love in my heart,”
― Tara Sivec, Troubles and Treats

“I had the phone in my hand all set to dial when Drew had finally decided to tell me that he pooped in the litter box a few times to see what it was like.”
― Tara Sivec, Troubles and Treats

“In fact, gone are the days of having sex at all. I have resorted to jerking off alone in the bathroom after my wife’s asleep. It’s a sad, lonely existence when you have to take your cell phone into the shitter so you don’t wake your wife when you pull up the YouPorn app and crank one out. The worst part is the SpongeBob SquarePants shower curtain in the bathroom. Do you know how difficult it is to keep an erection while SpongeBob is staring at you with his big, googly eyes and you keep hearing the song "Jellyfishin’, Jellyfishin’, Jellyfishin" in your head?”
― Tara Sivec, Troubles and Treats

“I'm not going to hold my breast for another invitiation" - Jenny”
― Tara Sivec, Troubles and Treats

“Just giving Jenny a last minute pep talk before the race," Drew informs him.

"There's no need for that, Claire is going to kick everyone's ass." Carter says.

Drew laughs and shakes his head. "Oh that's hilarious, limp dick! I know for a fact that Jenny will be the victor."

"The Victor? Who's Victor? Is that like some vibrator champion or something? Is the race named after this Victor guy?"

Claire pats my shoulder and just smiles at me. I guess she already knows about Victor. I'm always the last to know everything.”
― Tara Sivec, Troubles and Treats

“After the epidural was firmly in place, I double checked that we had a waiver on file that states we would own the hospital should my wife become paralyzed. If I was going to feed her mashed peas and wipe her ass until we die, I wanted to be rich.”
― Tara Sivec, Troubles and Treats

“It was like the day the stick turned pink, her lady bits put up a giant "Out of Business" sign. Do not enter, closed for repairs, zombies will eat your face if you try to touch this vagina.”
― Tara Sivec, Troubles and Treats

“They pray so much I can almost imagine Jesus himself sitting up there on a white puffy cloud saying, “Oh for the love of my dad, shut the fuck up already.  I heard you the first eleven times.”
― Tara Sivec, Troubles and Treats