Talk Quotes

“The key to good conversation isn’t knowing, but learning. It’s about being interested (in your partner), not interesting.”
― Alison Wood Brooks, Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves

“A lack of seriousness has led to all sorts of wonderful insights.” —Kurt Vonnegut”
― Alison Wood Brooks, Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves

“To apologize well, we can’t make it about ourselves. Instead, we should focus on our partner’s feelings in the moment—and stay on the topic at hand—without extrapolating to other issues or clapping back with our own frustrations. An apology should be an expression of empathy—a way to say “I realize something bad happened to you, or something has upset you, and I’m sorry.”
― Alison Wood Brooks, Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves

“The most important rule is not to be scared of conversations across differences. Even if you feel uncertain, having a conversation is usually better than avoiding it entirely.”
― Alison Wood Brooks, Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves

“The core issue is that, without direct access to others’ minds, people tend to use intuitive strategies to guide their predictions. One common strategy is to consult the contents of your own mind, a practice psychologists call egocentric projection.”
― Alison Wood Brooks, Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves

“Asking more questions increases information exchange, but it also has a less obvious, and more important, benefit: it improves the relationship. People who ask more questions are better liked.”
― Alison Wood Brooks, Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves

“This is the ultimate goal of conversational kindness: to convey our recognition of people as they want to be seen—as complex, valuable individuals who are worthy of attention and care. Indeed, acceptance of difference is not an additional requirement for us to remember on top of our TALK skills—it is the point. Everyone we talk to is more than one or two or a few things, and every good conversation involves working mightily to suspend overly simplified stereotypical thinking and treat each human as highly nuanced and uniquely valuable.”
― Alison Wood Brooks, Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves

“We can draw a how-to guide from the TALK maxims to aim for this type of perspective-getting through conversation: Ask caring questions. Show patience and grace if our partner doesn’t really want to answer them. Make self-deprecating jokes about our own inexperience. Use respectful language. Validate their feelings. Listen generously and expressively.”
― Alison Wood Brooks, Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves

“Topics, because great conversationalists choose good topics and make any topic better; Asking, because asking questions helps us move between topics and dive deeper into them; Levity, to keep our conversations from becoming stale; and Kindness, because great talkers care for others and show it.”
― Alison Wood Brooks, Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves

“Conversing well means expecting problems, noticing them, and working to solve them as best we can—and, knock on wood, having some fun along the way.”
― Alison Wood Brooks, Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves

“Rather, we need to understand what speakers are doing with their words: Are they requesting, inquiring, begging, issuing a promise, offering an apology, or taking any number of other actions? His point was that people are always doing things with their words.”
― Alison Wood Brooks, Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves

“When psychologist Jennifer Aaker asked people on their deathbeds what they regretted most about their lives, the most common answer was "Wishing I had spent more time laughing with the people I love." Her work reminds us that a life (and career) devoid of levity is a far worse prospect than the moment-to-moment risk of the occasional flop.”
― Alison Wood Brooks, Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves