The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists Quotes

“I should say we’d reach England by Tuesday or thereabouts, with a decent wind behind us. It would be a lot quicker than that if we could just sail straight there, but I was looking at the nautical charts, and there’s a dirty great sea serpent right in the middle of the ocean! It has a horrible gaping maw and one of those scaly tails that looks like it could snap a boat clean in two. So I thought it best to sail around that.’

FitzRoy frowned. ‘I think they just draw those on maps to add a bit of decoration. It doesn’t actually mean there’s a sea serpent there.’

The galley went rather quiet. A few of the pirate crew stared intently out of the portholes, embarrassed at their Captain’s mistake. But to everyone’s relief, instead of running somebody through, the Pirate Captain just narrowed his eyes thoughtfully.

That explains a lot,’ he said. ‘I suppose it’s also why we’ve never glimpsed that giant compass in the corner of the Atlantic. I have to say, I’m a little disappointed.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists

“That explains a lot,' he said. 'I suppose it's also why we've never glimpsed that giant compass in the corner of the Atlantic. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists

“If the pirate with a scarf had been more poetically minded he’d have thought that her eyes were like a thousand emeralds, glittering in a far-off pirate treasure chest. But he wasn’t, so he just thought that she had really really green eyes, a bit like seaweed.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists

“Don’t look so worried. I’ve sailed the seven seas, and I’ve never had an unsuccessful adventure yet!”

“Really? You’ve sailed all seven seas?” asked Darwin admiringly.

“Every last one!”

“What are the seven seas? I’ve always wondered.”

“Aaarrr. Well, let’s see…” said the Pirate Captain, scratching his craggy forehead. “There’s the North Sea. And that other one, the one near Mozambique. And…what’s that one in Hyde Park?”

“The Serpentine?”

“That’s the one. How many’s that then? Three. Um. There’s the sea with all the rocks in it…I think they call it Sea Number Four. Then that would leave…uh…Grumpy and Sneezy…”

Darwin was starting to look a little less impressed.

“Would you look at that big seagull!” said the Pirate Captain, quickly ducking into a beach hut.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists

“Anyhow,' one of the scientists was saying to another, 'there simply isn't room in the museum's Fishes Hall , so we've decided to pretend to the public that a whale is actually a mammal without any legs. It's patently ridiculous - I mean to say, just look at the thing, it's a gigantic fish if ever you saw one - but mum's the word! In my experience the public will believe just about anything, so long as you write it down on a little piece of card.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists

“Just then there came the wheezy sound of an accordion. It was an odd little tune that, had he been alive exactly one hundred and fifty years later, the scarf-wearing pirate would have recognized as the first few bars from ‘Theme to Murder, She Wrote’.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists

“There was soot and orphans everywhere, and gaslit cobbled streets full of fog and sinister gentlemen out for a night of illicit murder. It was a strict and unforgiving society; looking at a piano, eating too much butter, dancing with elan--the sour-faced Queen Victoria forbade all these things. And, it was also raining in the London of themdays--dirty grey slabs of rain that left everywhere shining and slippery.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists

“It would be a lot quicker than that if we could just sail straight there, but I was looking at the nautical charts, and there’s a dirty great sea serpent right in the middle of the ocean!

FitzRoy frowned. “I think they just draw those on maps to add a bit of decoration. It doesn’t actually mean there’s a sea serpent there.”

The galley went rather quiet. A few of the pirate crew stared intently out of the portholes, embarrassed at their Captain’s mistake. But to everyone’s relief, instead of running somebody through, the Pirate Captain just narrowed his eyes thoughtfully.

“That explains a lot,” he said. “I suppose it’s also why we’ve never glimpsed that giant compass in the corner of the Atlantic. I have to say, I’m a little disappointed.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists

“The Bishop smashed open a display case, sending a cloud of dust into the air, and flung a hefty rock at the Pirate Captain. The Pirate Captain squinted – it looked like a piece of iron as it hurtled towards his luxuriant beard. Moving lightning fast the Pirate Captain scanned the display in front of him, found a big chunk of nickel and hurled it back towards the Bishop. The nickel hit the iron and knocked it into a thousand splinters.

“Ha!” cried the Pirate Captain. “Nickel! Atomic weight 58.71 – beats your iron, atomic weight 55.85. In your face, Bishop!”

“So let’s see you deal with this!” shouted the Bishop, hefting a lump of Ruthenium at the pirate.

“Ruthenium! Atomic weight 101.07! Goodness me!” cried the Pirate Captain, though perhaps in slightly saltier terms than that. He barely found a slab of Osmium – atomic weight 190.2 – in time.

Several elements later they were still deadlocked, and fast running out of periodic table.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists

“I doubt that funny little moustache is doing you any favours,” said Jennifer with an arched eyebrow.

“It’s an evil moustache, not a gay moustache,” replied the Bishop with a pout.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists

“Most of the pirate crew loyally stuck their hands in the air. The pirate in red just shrugged and pretended to be reading a book. Satisfied that the mutinous swab had been put in his place, the Pirate Captain helped himself to another bowl of Coco-Pops.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists

“In one of the Royal Society’s bathrooms just down the hall the Pirate Captain was busy flossing.

“Are you going to be in there much longer?” asked an unfamiliar voice with an impatient knock. The Pirate Captain flung open the door, ready to run through with his shiny cutlass whosoever it happened to be, but then he remembered he was supposed to be a mild-mannered scientist, not a bloodthirsty Terror of the High Seas. So instead he fixed the knave who had the cheek to interrupt his toiletries with a steely stare. He recognised one of the scientists from dinner.

“Yes,” growled the Pirate Captain. “I am going to be in here much longer. Beards like this don’t look after themselves, you know.”

“Right, sorry,” said the scientist, backing away meekly. “Gosh. You’ve got a lot of scars.”

The Pirate Captain was wearing only a risque towel, and he did indeed have a number of scars from previous adventures.

“That’s from bumping against scientific apparatus in my laboratory,” explained the Pirate Captain, a murderous gleam in his eyes.

“And is that…a treasure map tattooed on your belly?”

“No. It’s the periodic table.”

“It doesn’t look like the periodic table. X isn’t an element.”

The Pirate Captain decided to run the scientist through with his cutlass after all. He washed it off in the sink, attended to his beard and then went back to the room he was sharing with some of the other pirates.

“They may know how to make a mechanical pig,” said the Pirate Captain, “but these scientists have got a lot to learn about manners.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists

“As soon as the plank-walking was finished, the Pirate Captain pointed the boat towards England, and all the remaining pirates and their guests went below decks for a feast. For a change the pirates had lamb instead of ham, with the usual accompaniment of green mint sauce and a salad. As a nice added touch the roast lamb was sprinkled with a little minced parsley. A few of Darwin’s monkeys had also been served up as an appetiser. There had been some debate as to the best way to cook a monkey, but eventually the pirates had decided to treat the monkeys as if they were turkeys, so after the sinews had been drawn from the legs and thighs, and the monkeys carefully trussed, they were stuffed with sausage meat and veal. It was all served with gravy and bread sauce. Too late the Pirate Captain realised that he had invited Mister Bobo to the feast, but if the creature was put out at being offered a slice of his chimpanzee brethren he was far too polite to say anything.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists

“So, there’s two pirate boats sailing towards each other,” said the short pirate with thick black spectacles, “and one of the boats is carrying all this blue paint. And the other pirate boat is carrying all this red paint. They crash, and you know what happened?”

“What happened?”

“They were marooned!”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists

“Black Bellamy politely took the pirates’ coats and cutlasses. This showed he really had changed, because the Black Bellamy of old was famous for his lack of manners. But he was still a fearsome sight, with a beard that came up to his eyes, two pairs of pistols hanging at the end of a silk sling, and a big knife held between his teeth.

“Herro. Relcon ahord ha harrarry hen,” said Black Bellamy.

“What did he say?” whispered the pirate in green.

“I think he said ‘Welcome aboard the Barbary Hen’. It’s a bit hard to tell, because of that knife clenched between his teeth,” said the scarf-wearing pirate.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists

“The Pirate Captain cut an impressive figure. If you were to compare him to a type of tree – and working out what sort of tree they would be if they were trees instead of pirates was easily one of the crew’s favourite pastimes – he would undoubtedly be an oak, or maybe a horse chestnut. He was all teeth and curls, but with a pleasant open face; his coat was of a better cut than everybody else’s, and his beard was fantastic and glossy, and the ends of it were twisted with expensive-looking ribbons. Living at sea tended to leave you with ratty, matted hair, but the Pirate Captain somehow kept his beard silky and in good condition, and though nobody knew his secret, they all respected him for it. They also respected him because it was said he was wedded to the sea. A lot of pirates claimed that they were wedded to the sea, but usually this was an excuse because they couldn’t get a girlfriend or they were a gay pirate, but in the Pirate Captain’s case none of his crew doubted he was actually wedded to the sea for a minute. Any of his men would have gladly taken a bullet for him, or even the pointy end of a cutlass. The Pirate Captain didn’t need to do much more than clear his throat and roll his eyes a bit to stop the fighting dead in its tracks.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists

“With a sound like a bat hitting a watermelon, pirate fist connected with pirate jaw and a gold tooth bounced across the deck.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists