I Can Make You Hate Quotes

“One of life's sorest tragedies is that the people who brim with confidence are always the wrong people.”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate

“Wait, it gets duller.”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate

“In my eyes, PE was a twice-weekly period of anarchy during which the school’s most aggressive pupils were formally permitted to dominate and torment those they considered physically inferior. Perhaps if the whole thing had been pitched as an exercise in interactive drama intended to simulate how it might feel to live in a fascist state run by thick schoolboys – an episodic, improvised adaptation of Lord of the Flies in uniform sportswear – I’d have appreciated it more.”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate

“At 38, I look back at my 32-year-old self and regret that he wasted time. Then I regret wasting my current time regretting regrets about regrets. This is pretty sophisticated regretting I'm doing. That's the sole advantage of ageing: I can now effortlessly consolidate my regrets into one manageable block of misery. Otherwise, by the age of 44, I'd need complex database software just to keep track of precisely how many things I'm regretting at once.”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate

“Back in the 1930s, when men with handlebar moustaches played football in long johns and tails, and the ball was a spherical clod of bitumen, did fans weep in the stands when their team lost? No. They limited their responses to a muttered 'blast' or a muted 'hurrah' before going home to smoke a pipe and lean on the mantelpiece.”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate

“She’s got zero interest in honest-to-goodness human-on-human action. No. It’s magic farmyard creatures or nothing for her.”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate

“I wish I enjoyed the World Cup, if only for some fleeting sense of common unity with the rest of humankind. But I simply don’t get it. A huge number of my fellow citizens tune in and witness a glorious contest of ecstatic highs and heartbreaking lows. I see twenty-two millionaires fucking up a lawn.”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate

“At the other end of the spectrum, George Gideon Oliver King Rameses Osborne, the fourteen-year-old novelty Chancellor and future baronet of Ballentaylor and Ballylemon - a man so posh he probably weeps champagne.”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate

“Cupcakes are for people who can’t handle reality.”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate

“So weak and ineffectual, it’s almost homeopathic.”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate

“The problem: affordable housing has to be subsidised, if the ‘affordable’ bit of the phrase is going to work. The solution: replace every wall, ceiling and floor with a gigantic plasma screen and charge for advertising space. The affordable living room of tomorrow is a futuristic cube with a perpetually looping Go Compare commercial in place of carpets and wallpaper.”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate

“Technical in the social situation, sociable in the technical situation? That’s the hallmark of a nerd.”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate

“The insomniac brain comes in various flavours; different personality types you’re forced to share your skull with for several hours. It’s like being trapped in a lift with someone who won’t shut up. Sometimes your companion is a peppy irritant who passes the time by humming half-remembered TV theme tunes until 7 a.m. Other times it’s a morose critic who has recently compiled a 1,500-page report on your innumerable failings and wants to run over it with you a few times before going to print. Worst of all is the hyper-aware sportscaster who offers an uninterrupted commentary describing which bits of your body are currently the least comfortable. No matter where you put that leg, he won’t be satisfied. And he’s convinced you’ve got one arm too many.”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate

“Look at The King’s Speech. For one thing, you can look at it: no lens caps left on there. What’s more, the story is simple. The world’s most important man can’t speak properly, so he gets taught to speak properly. But then disaster strikes! It looks like he might not be able to speak properly after all. Finally, in a triumphant climax, he speaks properly. It’s a feelgood ending for everybody, apart from the 450,000 Britons killed in the war he just announced on the radio.”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate

“Recently killed plankers whose bodies hadn’t been carted away yet could always save face by pretending to have invented ‘stiffing’ – lying on the ground being authentically dead.”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate

“DARK AGE LOSERS PROBLY USED TURNIPS FOR IPHONES LOL!!!!”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate

“Did I say ‘aspect ratio’? Yes I did. And if you don’t have a clue what I’m talking about, there’s a very good chance your television at home is set to the wrong aspect ratio, in which case I’d like you to stop reading right now and punch yourself hard in the kidneys.”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate

“A cupcake is just a muffin with clown puke topping. And once you've got through the clown puke there's nothing but a fistful of quotidian sponge nestling in a depressing, soggy 'cup' that feels like a pair of paper knickers a fat man has been sitting in throughout a long, hot coach journey between two disappointing market towns.”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate

“Celebrity’ is increasingly the only role the media can process,”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate

“Don’t campaign to bring back the gallows – campaign to bring back the saw. The medieval saw. Raise the prisoner by his feet and then saw through him vertically, starting at his arsecrack and ending at his scalp. Suspending him upside down ensures a constant supply of blood to his brain, so he’ll remain conscious throughout and provide all manner of usefully lurid screams.”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate

“In these uncertain, unsettling times, with unpopular policies being implemented by a patchwork coalition of the damned, Nick Clegg is proving to be perhaps the most useful tool in the government’s shed. Not because he says or does anything particularly inspiring, but because he functions as a universal disappointment sponge for disenchanted voters. You stare at Nick Clegg and feel infinitely unhappy, scarcely noticing Cameron and Co. hiding behind him. Governments around the world must be studying the coalition and working out how to get their own Clegg. He’s the coalition’s very own Pudsey Bear: a cuddly-but-tragic mascot representing the acceptable face of abuse. But unlike Pudsey, he actually speaks.”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate

“Hooray for whitehood! Could do without the sunburn, mind. It’s hard to get the balance right. I only have to gaze at a blank sheet of A4 to start sizzling, but if I avoid sunshine completely I wind up looking ashen and sickly. Little wonder there’s a multi-million-dollar industry creating creams and lotions for us to smear all over our superior white skin in a desperate bid to protect it from the sky, and another multi-million-dollar industry devoted to turning our superior white skin brown so it looks better. Despite these drawbacks – and its propensity for showing up pimples and ageing quickly and going wrinkly – there’s no doubt that white skin is the best, in the same way green Smarties are the best. Simple logic.”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate

“Modern 3D cinema technology works by ensuring your left eye sees one image while your right sees another. But they could, presumably, issue one pair of specs comprising two left-eye lenses (for children to wear), and another with two right-eye lenses (for adults). This would make it possible for parents to take their offspring to the cinema and watch two entirely different films at the same time. So while the kiddywinks are being placated by an animated CGI doodle about rabbits entering the Winter Olympics or something, their parents will be bearing witness to some apocalyptically degrading pornography. The tricky thing would be making the soundtracks match. Those cartoon rabbits would have to spend a lot of time slapping their bellies and moaning.”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate

“If a Victorian gentleman arrived in present-day London, he’d think we’d been invaded by glowing rectangles.”
― Charlie Brooker, I Can Make You Hate