Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Quotes

“It is important to note that research has shown that men who have abusive mothers do not tend to develop especially negative attitudes toward females, but men who have abusive fathers do; the disrespect that abusive men show their female partners and their daughters is often absorbed by their sons.
So while a small number of abusive men do hate women, the great majority exhibit a more subtle—though often quite pervasive—sense of superiority or contempt toward females.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“but men who have abusive fathers do; the disrespect that abusive men show their female partners and their daughters is often absorbed by their sons. So while a small number”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“And the most frequent response of all: “Jesus, I wouldn’t do that. I would never do something like that to her.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Почему психотерапия не подходит:

• Она фокусируется на чувствах человека и дает ему сочувствие и поддержку независимо от того, насколько основательны психологические установки, которые привели к возникновению этих чувств. А коррекционная программа фокусируется на мышлении. Должны обсуждаться чувства жертвы жестокого человека и его детей, но не его.

• Психотерапия практически не применяет правил, регулирующих то, что позволено делать человеку в период прохождения терапии. На самом деле должно требоваться, чтобы мужчина воздерживался от любого физического насилия или угроз и работал над снижением вербальной агрессии и других форм эмоциональной жестокости, иначе он не может оставаться в программе.

• Психотерапевт обычно не общается с жертвой насилия, тогда как консультант коррекционной программы обязательно делает это.

• Терапия, как правило, не уделяет внимания ни одной из основных причин жестокости – позиции правомочия, насильственному контролю, неуважению, чувству превосходства, эгоизму или обвинению жертвы. Концентрироваться нужно именно на них.

• Необходимо обеспечить мужчине просвещение и консультировать его, как противостоять его жестоким жизненным принципам и оправданиям. Психотерапия крайне редко занимается подобными вещами.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Абьюзеры – мастера по части самооправдания! В этом отношении они напоминают алкоголиков и наркоманов, которые уверены, что все и вся виноваты в их действиях, кроме них самих. Если они не сваливают вину на партнерш, то обвиняют стресс, алкоголь, трудное детство, своих детей, начальника или свою неуверенность в завтрашнем дне. Более того, они считают себя вправе оправдываться. Когда я говорю им, что другие мужчины при тех же обстоятельствах не прибегают к жестокости, они, как правило, начинают злиться или демонстрируют презрение.

Значит ли это, что жестокие мужчины – психопаты, у которых отсутствуют стыд и совесть? В обычном случае – нет, хотя у меня было небольшое количество случаев (около 5 % клиентов), которые были такими. У большинства жестоких личностей есть совесть, когда речь идет об их поведении вне семьи. Они готовы отвечать за свои поступки на работе, в клубе или на улице. Однако в доме берет верх их позиция высоких правомочий.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Обычный жестокий мужчина старается поддерживать положительный имидж, но некоторые ведут себя грубо и угрожающе со всеми. Как насчет таких? Является ли это результатом плохого обращения с ним родителей? Ответ: и да, и нет – в зависимости от того, о какой проблеме мы говорим. Его враждебность по отношению к роду человеческому может произрастать из жестокости его воспитания, но его жестокое отношение к женщинам – это проблема жестокого обращения. Эти две проблемы связаны между собой, но это разные проблемы.

Я не говорю, что вы не должны сочувствовать детским страданиям вашего партнера.

Жестокая личность заслуживает такого же сопереживания, как и нежестокая, не больше и не меньше.

Но нежестокий мужчина не использует свое прошлое для оправдания своего плохого обращения с вами. Сочувствие вашему партнеру может быть ловушкой, заставлять вас испытывать чувство вины за то, что вы протестуете против его жестокого поведения.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“How do we change societal values so that women's rights to live free of insults, invasion, disempowerment, and intimidation is respected? One way is simply to declare out loud to people in your life that women have these rights unconditionally.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Kay Douglas's book is the most supportive, realistic, and practical guide for abused women that I have encountered. A woman with this book in her hands is on the path to a new life. The author really 'gets it' about what it takes to deal with a destructive partner and takes the reader step-by-step from the beginnings of grasping what is happening to her all the way to healing once the relationship has ended.

Outstanding!”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Public status of partner and/or father without the sacrifices”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Ensuring that his career, education, or other goals are prioritized”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Pointing fingers at other countries can be a way to ignore the serious problems in our own.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Like any love-struck person, she runs around telling her friends and family what a terrific guy he is. After talking him up so much, she feels embarrassed to reveal his mistreatment when it begins, so she keeps it to herself for a long time. She assumes that his abusiveness comes from something that has gone wrong inside of him—what else is she to conclude, given how wonderful he was at first?—so she pours herself into figuring out what happened. She has a hard time letting go of her own dream, since she thought she had found a wonderful man. She can’t help wondering if she did something wrong or has some great personal deficit that knocked down their castle in the sky, so she tries to find the key to the problem inside of herself.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“But abuse is not a battle that you win by being better at expressing yourself. You win it by being better at sarcasm, put-downs, twisting everything around backward, and using other tactics of control—an arena in which my clients win hands down over their partners, just as they do in a violent altercation. Who can beat an abuser at his own game?”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“When a man starts my program, he often says, “I am here because I lose control of myself sometimes. I need to get a better grip.” I always correct him: “Your problem is not that you lose control of yourself, it’s that you take control of your partner. In order to change, you don’t need to gain control over yourself, you need to let go of control of her.” A large part of his abusiveness comes in the form of punishments used to retaliate against you for resisting his control. This is one of the single most important concepts to grasp about an abusive man.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“A man’s partner is not his child, and the freedoms he “grants” her are not credits to be spent like chips when the urge to control her arises.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Deference refers to the abuser’s entitlement to have his tastes and opinions treated as edicts.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“There certainly are some women who treat their male partners badly, berating them, calling them names, attempting to control them. The negative impact on these men’s lives can be considerable. But do we see men whose self-esteem is gradually destroyed through this process? Do we see men whose progress in school or in their careers grinds to a halt because of the constant criticism and undermining? Where are the men whose partners are forcing them to have unwanted sex? Where are the men who are fleeing to shelters in fear for their lives?”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Respond to these distortions by saying: “I am not against you; I am against your hurtful behavior. I’m not saying that she’s right about every issue between you. What I am saying is that you won’t be able to work out any of those other differences unless you first deal with your abuse problem. As long as you keep bullying her, you are the number-one problem.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“When I contact the woman, however, I find out that, although he may be right about her seeing another man, she and my client were broken up at the time. In other words, in the abuser’s mind any relationship that she has is “an affair” if it happens during a period when he still wishes they were back together, because he feels entitled to determine when she can be free to see other people.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“You deserve to have your life be about you; you are worth it.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“It leads us to focus on the man's emotional wounds (which are the cause of true narcissism) rather than on his mentality. Forty years of research and counseling experience demonstrate that the male abuser's problem is almost entirely in his mind, not his heart. A learned sense of entitlement, not emotional wounds, is the primary source of his problem.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“One of the best ways to tell how deep a man’s control problem goes is by seeing how he reacts when you start demanding that he treat you better. If he accepts your grievances and actually takes steps to change what he does, the prospects for the future brighten somewhat.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“In referring to angry and controlling men in this book, I have chosen to use in most cases the shorter terms abusive man and abuser. I have used these terms for readability and not because I believe that every man who has problems with angry or controlling behaviors is abusive. I needed to select a simple word I could apply to any man who has recurring problems with disrespecting, controlling, insulting, or devaluing his partner, whether or not his behavior also involves more explicit verbal abuse, physical aggression, or sexual mistreatment. Any of these behaviors can have a serious impact on a woman’s life and can lead her to feel confused, depressed, anxious, or afraid.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“When we’re finished, your partner will find it much harder than before to throw you off balance and confuse you, and your relationship will make sense to you in a way that it hasn’t before.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Above all, the abusive man wants to avoid having you zero in on his abusiveness itself. So he tries to fill your head up with excuses and distortions and keep you weighed down with self-doubt and self-blame. And, unfortunately, much of the society tends to follow unsuspectingly along behind him, helping him to close your eyes, and his, to his problem.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The better we understand abusers, the more we can create homes and relationships that are havens of love and safety, as they should be. Peace really does begin at home”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The abuser creates confusion because he has to. He can’t control and intimidate you, he can’t recruit people around him to take his side, he can’t keep escaping the consequences of his actions, unless he can throw everyone off the track. When the world catches on to the abuser, his power begins to melt away. So we are going to travel behind the abuser’s mask to the heart of his problem. This journey is critical to the health and healing of abused women and their children, for once you grasp how your partner’s mind works, you can begin reclaiming control of your own life. Unmasking the abuser also does him a favor, because he will not confront—and overcome—his highly destructive problem as long as he can remain hidden.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Carl created the appearance of learning a great deal at each session, and his comments suggested serious reflection on the issues, including the effects of his abuse on his partner. What was happening each week inside his mind before he got home?”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Times when she puts her foot down the most firmly, he responds by becoming his angriest and most intimidating. When she stands up to him, he makes her pay for it—sooner or later. Friends say: 'Leave him.' But she knows it won’t be that easy. He will promise to change. He’ll get friends and relatives to feel sorry for him and pressure her to give him another chance.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men