Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Quotes

“Your problem is not that you lose control of yourself, it’s that you take control of your partner. In order to change, you don’t need to gain control over yourself, you need to let go of control of her.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“the disrespect that abusive men so often direct toward women in general tends to be born of their cultural values and conditioning rather than personal experiences of being victimized by women.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Abuse of women by men is so rampant that, unless people can somehow make it women’s own fault, they are forced to take on a number of uncomfortable questions about men and about much of male thinking.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The abuser creates confusion because he has to. He can’t control and intimidate you, he can’t recruit people around him to take his side, he can’t keep escaping the consequences of his actions, unless he can throw everyone off the track.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Abusers drive wedges between people, by accident or by design.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Each boy’s socialization is unique. Even two siblings close in age do not learn identical values. Culture is thus transmitted on a continuum. In a culture that is fairly religious, for example, some children will grow up to be devout believers; others will reject the faith completely; and most will fall in with the average level of religious observance for their community. Where a child will land on this continuum partly depends on how strong a set of messages he or she receives from the social environment and partly on his or her personal predispositions. The family rebel, for example, might become an atheist, while the child who is most focused on pleasing the parents might become even more religious than they are.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“ALCOHOL HAS NO BIOLOGICAL CONNECTION TO ABUSE OR VIOLENCE
Alcohol does not directly make people belligerent, aggressive, or violent. There is evidence that certain chemicals can cause violent behavior — anabolic steroids, for example, or crack cocaine — but alcohol is not among them. In the human body, alcohol is actually a depressant, a substance that rarely causes aggression. Marijuana similarly has no biological action connected to abusiveness.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“As a product of Anglo-Saxon-Protestant culture, I am familiar with its centuries-old tradition of hiding its abuse of women under pretty packaging.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The central attitudes driving Rambo are:
Strength and aggressiveness are good; compassion and conflict resolution are bad.
Anything that could be even remotely associated with homosexuality, including walking away from possible violence or showing any fear or grief, has to be avoided at any cost.
Femaleness and femininity (which he associates with homosexuality) are inferior. Women are here to serve men and be protected by them.
Men should never hit women, because it is unmanly to do so. However, exceptions to this rule can be made for my own partner if her behavior is bad enough. Men need to keep their women in line.
You are a thing that belongs to me, akin to a trophy.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Friends say: “He’s mean.” But she knows many ways in which he has been good to her. Friends say: “He treats you that way because he can get away with it. I would never let someone treat me that way.” But she knows that the times when she puts her foot down the most firmly, he responds by becoming his angriest and most intimidating. When she stands up to him, he makes her pay for it—sooner or later. Friends say: “Leave him.” But she knows it won’t be that easy. He will promise to change. He’ll get friends and relatives to feel sorry for him and pressure her to give him another chance. He’ll get severely depressed, causing her to worry whether he’ll be all right.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The abuser comes and goes as he pleases, meets or ignores his responsibilities at his whim, and skips anything he finds too unpleasant.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The abuser ends up with the benefits of being in an intimate relationship without the sacrifices that normally come with the territory. That’s a pretty privileged lifestyle.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“He, on the other hand, enjoys the luxury of a relationship where he rarely has to compromise, gets to do the things he enjoys, and skips the rest.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Entitlement is the abuser’s belief that he has a special status and that it provides him with exclusive rights and privileges that do not apply to his partner. The attitudes that drive abuse can largely be summarized by this one word.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“It is important to note that research has shown that men who have abusive mothers do not tend to develop especially negative attitudes toward females, but men who have abusive fathers do; the disrespect that abusive men show their female partners and their daughters is often absorbed by their sons.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“There are two main principles to keep in mind when deciding how much potential an abuser has to become a kind, respectful partner in the long run:

1. He cannot change unless he deals deeply with his entitled and superior attitudes. No superficial changes that he may make offer any real hope for the future.

2. It makes no different how nice he is being to you, since almost all abusers have nice periods. What matters is how respectful and non coercive he chooses to become.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Abused women aren't "codependent." It is abusers, not their partners, who create abusive relationships.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The salient point about remorse, however, is that it matters little whether it is genuine or not. Clients who get very sorry after acts of abuse change at about the same rate as the ones who don't. The most regretful are sometimes the most self-centered, lamenting above all the injury they've done to their own self-image. They feel ashamed of having behaved like cruel dictators and want to revert quickly to the role of benign dictators, as if that somehow makes them much better people.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Outside of my professional life, I have known many couples over the years who had passion and electricity between them and who treated each other well. But unfortunately there is wide acceptance in our society of the unhealthy notion that passion and aggression are interwoven and that cruel verbal exchanges and bomblike explosions are the price you pay for a relationship that is exciting, deep, and sexy. Popular romantic movies and soap operas sometimes reinforce this image. Most”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The U.S. Surgeon General has declared that attacks by male partners are the number one cause of injury to women between the ages of fifteen and forty-four.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Although the typical abusive man works to maintain a positive public image, it is true that some women have abusive partners who are nasty or intimidating to everyone. How about that man? Do his problems result from mistreatment by his parents? The answer is both yes and no; it depends on which problem we’re talking about. His hostility toward the human race may sprout from cruelty in his upbringing, but he abuses women because he has an abuse problem. The two problems are related but distinct.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“You can't take the leaps of vulnerability involved in working through early emotional injuries while you are feeling emotionally unsafe. Because you are emotionally unsafe. And if you succeed in acheiving greater intimacy with your abusive partner, you will soon get hurt even worse than before, because greater closeness means greater vulnerability for you.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“One exercise that can help you address this trap involves making a list of all the ways, including emotional ones, in which you feel dependent on your partner, then making another list of big or small steps you might take to begin to become more independent. These lists can guide you in focusing your energy in the directions you need to go.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“some abusers are rarely home at all, using the house only as a base for periodic refueling.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Free labor from her; leisure and freedom for him”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Part of how the abuser escapes confronting himself is by convincing you that you are the cause of his behavior, or that you at least share the blame. But abuse is not a product of bad relationship dynamics, and you cannot make things better by changing your own behavior or by attempting to manage your partner better. Abuse is a problem that lies entirely within the abuser.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“I wish I could somehow recover all those years I wasted waiting around for him to deal with his issues.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“He, on the other hand, enjoys the luxury of a relationship where he rarely has to compromise, gets to do the things he enjoys, and skips the rest. He shows off his generosity when the stakes are low, so that friends will see what a swell guy he is. The abuser ends up with the benefits of being in an intimate relationship without the sacrifices that normally come with the territory. That’s a pretty privileged lifestyle.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The following dynamics are typical of a relationship with Mr. Sensitive and may help explain your feeling that something has gone awry:

You seem to be hurting his feelings constantly, though you aren't sure why, and he expects your attention to be focused endlessly on his emotional injuries. If you are in a bad mood one day and say something unfair or insensitive, it won't be enough for you to give him a sincere apology and accept responsibility. He'll go on and on about it, expecting you to grovel as if you had treated him with profound cruelty.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The typical abusive man works to maintain a positive public image (..) Most abusive men put on a charming face for their communities, creating a sharp split between their public image and their private treatment of women and children. He may be (..) assaultive toward his partner or children but nonviolent and nonthreatening with everyone else. (..) The pain of this contrast can eat away at a woman.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men