The Tao of Martha Quotes

“I would rather receive a Pap smear from Captain Hook than venture out on New Year's Eve.”
― Jen Lancaster, The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING; Or, Why I'm Never Getting All That Glitter Off of the Dog

“Actually, I believe there are only two kinds of women in this world: Martha people and Oprah people. That doesn’t mean one can’t have an affinity for both of them, but my theory is that every chick is more firmly in one camp than the other. The typical Oprah woman is all self-actualized and best-life-y and Eat, Pray, Love. The Big O seems like the kind of gal who’d insist we all spend the afternoon wearing jammy pants. And how fun would that be?!

But Martha?

She’s not putting up with that nonsense, and that makes me adore her all the more. She’ll tell you what to eat, where to pray, and who to love, and I appreciate the guidance.”
― Jen Lancaster, The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING; Or, Why I'm Never Getting All That Glitter Off of the Dog

“What's funny is the act of cleaning out my desk takes an hour, yet I've been dreading it for so many damn years. How much time have I wasted in fretting about organizing this instead of actually organizing? I kind of don't want to know.”
― Jen Lancaster, The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING; Or, Why I'm Never Getting All That Glitter Off of the Dog

“Butterflies are a lot like rainbows: They’re phenomenally beautiful in real life, yet no graphic representation can do them justice; ergo, it’s best to forgo.”
― Jen Lancaster, The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING; Or, Why I'm Never Getting All That Glitter Off of the Dog

“I used to have to hunt for hard-boiled eggs when I was a kid. What was the point of that? Was I supposed to be, 'Yay! I found them! Egg-salad sandwiches for everyone!' I was seven! I wanted chocolate, not bioavailable protein.”
― Jen Lancaster, The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING; Or, Why I'm Never Getting All That Glitter Off of the Dog

“With two pit bulls in the house, we have a responsibility to make sure they’re always under control. I mean, we’re well aware of how sweet and harmless they are, yet the fact that they even exist intimidates others, so we train for our neighbors’ peace of mind. As an added bonus, the dogs love it!”
― Jen Lancaster, The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING; Or, Why I'm Never Getting All That Glitter Off of the Dog

“This toffee tastes like war or Lucifer’s tears. This toffee is a molten pool of broken Christmas promises. If sadness had a flavor, it would be the contents of the Pyrex.”
― Jen Lancaster, The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING; Or, Why I'm Never Getting All That Glitter Off of the Dog

“Let me phrase it like this—do you want to live in the kitchen for the next four days, sweating your ass off while you make a meal it will take twenty minutes to eat? Do you want to attack a pile of dishes for three hours afterward? Do you want to spend a week eating old turkey and cranberry sauce because”
― Jen Lancaster, The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING; Or, Why I'm Never Getting All That Glitter Off of the Dog

“milk, powdered heavy cream, and powdered butter.” “Didn’t know a lot of these products existed,”
― Jen Lancaster, The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING; Or, Why I'm Never Getting All That Glitter Off of the Dog

“Until he started watching The Walking Dead. Yeah, AMC. Thanks for that. He keeps telling me that I’d enjoy the show, but judging from all the screaming, shooting, and breaking glass I hear from my office every”
― Jen Lancaster, The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING; Or, Why I'm Never Getting All That Glitter Off of the Dog

“Anyone who grew up in a household where carob passed for chocolate and apple pies were actually filled with zucchini will feel me here.”
― Jen Lancaster, The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING; Or, Why I'm Never Getting All That Glitter Off of the Dog

“What is it about people casually eating apples that’s so infuriating? There’s nothing inherently aggravating about someone eating grapes or an orange, but an apple?”
― Jen Lancaster, The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING; Or, Why I'm Never Getting All That Glitter Off of the Dog

“The only force more powerful than what’s about to befoul the checkout line is my passionate abhorrence for the lyric “Yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip / Mum mum mum mum mum mum / Get a job,” so I manage to hold everything together”
― Jen Lancaster, The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING; Or, Why I'm Never Getting All That Glitter Off of the Dog

“wonder if Martha Stewart’s guests are greeted at the door with her sweating, crying, and shouting, ‘Here’s a recipe; get to work or we’re never eating Thanksgiving dinner!’” I”
― Jen Lancaster, The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING; Or, Why I'm Never Getting All That Glitter Off of the Dog

“If someone could harness the power of my love for this dog, I swear I could singlehandedly end our nation’s dependence on foreign oil.”
― Jen Lancaster, The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING; Or, Why I'm Never Getting All That Glitter Off of the Dog

“She’s going to show up at the Mexican border once she finishes the marathon to her car,” Fletch says. I nod. “Sounds like it, yes.” “And she’s confident the border guards will simply stand there with open arms, all, ‘Oh, apocalypse in the USA? So sorry. Come on in, friendly Northern Neighbor! You’re totally welcome to all our resources! Here, have a chimichanga, señorita! You must be tired after your long trek.”
― Jen Lancaster, The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING; Or, Why I'm Never Getting All That Glitter Off of the Dog

“I love zucchini. I love everything about zucchini. I love saying the word “zucchini.” Zucchini, zucchini, zucchini! Even the individual syllables are charming! You can’t not be happy around such a big, green, comical-sounding foodstuff. Zucchini’s hilarious and delicious!”
― Jen Lancaster, The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING; Or, Why I'm Never Getting All That Glitter Off of the Dog

“instances of egg Kristallnacht when we use a turkey baster to force egg”
― Jen Lancaster, The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING; Or, Why I'm Never Getting All That Glitter Off of the Dog

“the more one Bes, Gives, and Gets, the more it perpetuates itself into happiness.”
― Jen Lancaster, The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING; Or, Why I'm Never Getting All That Glitter Off of the Dog