A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom Quotes

“Empty packets of hot sauce remind me of the love I used to have for her. Now all I’m left with is this yummy taco.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“For your birthday, I got you a box. Hooray! It’s empty, so you can fill it with whatever you want.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“I love teamwork. I love the idea of everyone rallying together to help me win.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“If my love could be represented by a blur, it would be the beating of a hummingbird’s wings. Did you know that my love is the only love that can fly backwards?
”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“How many seconds does it take to win second? As many as it takes to win first—if you don’t use them properly.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“My trash can got stolen five times. Finally the owner just let me have it.
”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“A cake for all is not a celebration of one. Cupcakes are the ultimate birthday cake.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“When I’m feeling down, I make myself a big bowl of Up Soup. The bowl only looks empty, but in reality it’s full of hope. Grab a spoon, there’s plenty for both of us.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“I’ll wipe a booger on your wall, not only to say I was here, but also to say thanks for having me over.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“The beautiful part about killing someone with an icicle is the murder weapon melts and then evaporates. And your assassination can be fruit flavored!”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“One of the side effects of Viagra is blurred vision. Sounds great! When I’m taking a pill to pop a stiffy, how great is it that any woman I look at has blurred features and therefore is as beautiful as an impressionistic painting?
”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“My mom and dad died, but in their place I got a house of fog that’s easy to hide my feelings in. (No smoking, please.)
”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“Day or night, I can’t see the wind. But at night, it feels like I can see it even less. What’s less visible than invisible?
”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“Some men eat dinner with silverware. Some use chopsticks. I prefer zippers.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“You should shoot. I should shoo.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“Lead is to lead as follow is to follow. And lead is to lead as a type of metal is to a type of metal. Which brings me to my point: To love is to lead with your heart, while allowing your ego to sink like lead.
”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“I can throw an orange like a baseball, but I can’t eat a baseball like an orange. Let that be a life lesson for you.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“I hired a chauffeur and I became a motivational speaker, because I don’t drive—I’m driven.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“Things aren’t often what they appear to be at first blush. But embarrassment is.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out and evaporate. Scotch on the rocks, anyone?
”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“I tried telling him without telling him, through body language, and I observed he was unobservant.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“I bought you a box of karate chops, but it could be dangerous to open it with a knife. And cats are masters at getting into boxes, so here, try opening it with my portable meow maker.
”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“I’m more than just a pretty face. I’m also delusional.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“I want a trophy wife. I’ll keep her on the shelf next to my future Nobel peace prize. (I plan on inventing a gun that shoots love, not bullets.)
”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“Life seems so am/pm. But really it’s not as balanced as all that.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“I put the “sing” in single. But only when I’m in the shower.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“Back in high school, I started a gang called “The Illiterates.” To easily identify fellow gang members, we all wore letterman jackets.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“I make believe like asexuals make love—alone, with cardboard tubes.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“I’m a lion in my environment. But take me out of my cage, and I’m a lamb.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

“I am the man of your dreams. Go back to sleep.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom