Ah, but that's life, no? Quotes

“If I offer you a glass of water, and bring back a cup of ice, I’m trying to teach you patience. And also that sometimes you get ice with no water, and later you’ll get water with no ice. Ah, but that’s life, no?
”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“I am one pair of roses away from the grave,” I told the midget with the twelve-inch erection. It wasn’t his—he was just holding it for a friend (that impressive penis belonged to a much taller man). Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“Last week I placed a hand-written sign in front of my neighborhood that read, “Lost Mustache. Please do not feed. If found, contact Mouth,” and I left my phone number. Nobody’s called. Perhaps the neighborhood cat lady took it in and is petting it on her lap at this very moment. Ah, but that’s life, no?
”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“I snorted powdered flamingoes while I pondered love. I sat at the bar two hours waiting for my ice on the rocks to melt so I could drink it and leave, but it was like my ex wife’s heart—it was just too frigid to melt. So I called up a midget, buckled myself in on his back, and had him give me a ride home. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“I ran over a dog last night on my way home, and then I wondered what my wife had made for dinner. The two events are disappointingly not connected. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“I often feel like a camel in the mountains, and a goat in the desert. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“The other day I tried to design a finish line, but I didn’t know where to start. So I just sat there and drank Gatorade. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“I’d prefer going on a date with 10 women at once. Not only might I get a bulk discount at the restaurant, but it’s like a group interview. I think the ladies would appreciate my efficiency. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“The tire left a skid mark on the road that looked like a mustache. So I shaved it off the pavement, stuffed it in my trunk, and took it home to wear to work the next day. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“I was crying on the inside, but on the outside, to the casual observer, and to the man who was dying, I was laughing. That man was my father, and I haven’t laughed that hard since his funeral. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“I rode my horse to the saloon, but it was out of business. The cowboy I spoke with said the bartender served the saloon’s last drink on March 5th, 1882. Guess I shouldn’t have taken so long to shower and get ready. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“My cat stood still like a furry statue. I wanted to go pet it, but I ended up petting a painting instead. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“He’s only two years younger, but that doesn’t mean I’m not old enough to be his father. I grew up fast. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“I gathered my courage like nuts and berries, I cautiously approached her, I waited for her to turn her head, and then I sprinkled them in her yogurt. Sometimes you just have to take a chance. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“The lunchmeat fell on the floor, and I didn’t know what to do, so I wiped it off on the bottom of my shoe and served it to my boss. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“The old me is younger than the me now. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“I eat spaghetti with my fingers, because it reminds me of me running my fingers through her wet red hair. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“Making money for my clones, now that’s what I call self-enrichment. Having all my clones working for me, working for free, and enriching me, now that’s what I call social progress. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“I don’t sleep on the left side of the bed, or the right side, because there is a third option: to not sleep. After all, sleep is like death. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“The elevator wasn’t empty; it was full of fragrance. The perfume that lingered smelled like my past. Starting tomorrow, to focus on the future, I’m going to close my nose with a clothespin. One day, probably the day after tomorrow, people may regard me as a fashion visionary. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“I made love to a woman on a boat once. It was still on the showroom floor, but the way I rocked it made it feel like the ocean. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“If frogs tasted like chicken, I’d gladly jump in the frying pan. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“The piece of junk is a piece of me. It’s a part of my family, and I can’t part with it. The rusty can is all my father left me when he left us to be in a relationship with a goat. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“We made love like a John and a hooker, despite the fact that my name’s Jarod. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“We made love like oysters, and then we ate oysters. Then we made love like two people sitting on opposite ends of the sofa. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“I once met an asexual unicycle, but I wasn’t wearing rubber gloves so I didn’t even try to pick it up. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“I’ve got semen stains on my shirt, and spaghetti stains on my underwear. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“I’m forced to shower in the closet, because my friend is wearing all my clothes, and he’s in the bathtub at the moment. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“I rolled up to his house, rolled up my sleeves, ate a Fruit Roll-Up, and left. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?

“To not feel like such a “third wheel,” I rode my tricycle to the restaurant where they were having their first date. I didn’t bring my wallet, so I hope they don’t mind paying for my dinner too. Ah, but that’s life, no?”
― Jarod Kintz, Ah, but that's life, no?