The Sacred Search Quotes

“the story of Isaac and Rebekah is an account of what was, but not necessarily of what should be for all of God’s people.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What If It's Not about Who You Marry, But Why?

“The Bible clearly says we shouldn’t feel forced to marry or feel prohibited from marrying; this is one of those life decisions God leaves up to us.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What If It's Not about Who You Marry, But Why?

“you don’t marry a position. You marry a person.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What If It's Not about Who You Marry, But Why?

“Wisdom says we should try to make a relationship work not because we have strong feelings but because it’s a good match.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What If It's Not about Who You Marry, But Why?

“Much kingdom time is wasted on ill-matched people trying to make their marriages a little less insufferable. I want you to gain a positive picture—a vision for how much kingdom work could be accomplished by two well-matched people working in harmony to seek the kingdom of God, grow in righteousness, and fulfill their unique calling in Christ. We need more of these families. There can’t ever be too many of such families. There is a dearth of these families today. Most of you will get just one chance to create such a family. Please, choose wisely. We need you to make a wise choice.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“It was difficult breaking up, but the ending, as you can see, is very happy. Both Rowdy and Anna have spiritually rich and meaningful lives—just not with each other. They are both seeking first the kingdom of God, but they wisely realized that their respective roles in that kingdom weren’t compatible. If you find yourself at an excruciatingly painful crossroads, as Rowdy and Anna did, try to remind yourself of this: when you close the door on a current bad relationship, you’re not jumping off a cliff; you’re just opening the door to another life.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“They fall for someone’s potential, thinking the person they’re marrying is going to change into someone who is substantially different. They thus marry someone with whom they might be somewhat “incompatible,” hoping that they’ll become compatible.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“How do you know if your boyfriend or girlfriend is praying? Ask yourself, does he ever bring up things God is encouraging him with or does she mention what God is challenging her on? Are you always the one mentioning what God is teaching you, convicting you of, or helping you to understand? If your boyfriend or girlfriend never talks about God, he or she is probably not talking to God.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“Making too much of marriage is to make too little of our relationship with God. And when we make too little of our relationship with God, we undercut our source of love, which makes success in marriage less likely. Focusing on marriage too much is, ironically enough, the best way to kill it. Find a partner with whom you can seek first the kingdom of God, someone who inspires you toward righteousness, and when you do, “all these things will be added to you.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“Jesus’ words—indeed, the whole of Scripture—call God’s people to build a spiritual partnership. That’s what you should be looking for: Can this person walk with me toward God? It’s not selfish to choose wisely in marriage; it’s being a good steward of the one life God has given you.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“Searching Questions On a scale of 1 to 10, how difficult do you expect marriage to be? (1 = always easy, if you’re truly in love; 10 = a difficult challenge every day) How do you think a person’s perception of the difficulty of marriage will influence whom he or she marries? Would you consider marrying someone you felt deeply in love with, even if you didn’t think that person was very mature? Where do you draw the line—how mature must someone be (relationally) in order for you to feel comfortable marrying him or her? Have you known any families or couples that had to endure serious medical difficulties? How did that affect their relationship? How did what you observed affect what qualities you expect in the person you’re looking to marry? Would you be willing to marry someone who makes you laugh, whose company you enjoy, and whom you are sexually attracted to, even if you’re not sure this person would be a good parent? Why or why not? How can you tell ahead of time how good a parent someone might be?”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“Finally, does your intended demonstrate past participation, on his or her own, of being part of a church? I’ve seen some couples who agree to go to church while they’re dating but then, after marriage, one of them “suddenly” decides to be done with church. In fact, it wasn’t sudden at all—the one just started going to church to keep the girlfriend or boyfriend’s interest. The best way to guard against this is to know that church was a part of your intended’s life before he or she met you. Why does going to church matter? A healthy church provides constant instruction, weekly times of renewal with God, and accountability should your spouse start to stray.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“Does he or she pray? Not just in church and not just with you, but on his or her own? If not, you’ll walk through life without the prayerful support of the person who knows you best. You’ll be the only one supporting your kids in prayer. You’ll be married to someone who isn’t opening himself or herself up to God’s conviction, encouragement, and support. If your spouse gets depressed, you’ll have to lift this person up on your own, since he or she won’t know how to go to God. If you get depressed, you’ll have to find another friend to prayerfully support you because your spouse won’t know how. If your husband or wife develops bad attitudes toward you or cultivates sinful habits and isn’t spending time in prayer to be convicted by God, those attitudes and habits will grow stronger and possibly threaten your marriage. At least 90 percent of the changes I’ve made in my marriage have come through God convicting me in prayer and Bible study rather than Lisa confronting me. If I didn’t pray very often, Lisa would be a much less satisfied spouse. If you marry someone who prays, you can place your hope in God’s conviction instead of your nagging (which never works). A woman once told me that she feels so much safer when she knows her husband is praying and in the Word. She doesn’t have to ask him if he’s doing this—she can tell by his attitude, his actions, the tone of his voice, his overall demeanor. And knowing he is regularly connecting with God gives her a peace and security that she treasures. Notice what she’s saying: the same man is a different husband when he becomes a praying husband. How do you know if your boyfriend or girlfriend is praying? Ask yourself, does he ever bring up things God is encouraging him with or does she mention what God is challenging her on? Are you always the one mentioning what God is teaching you, convicting you of, or helping you to understand? If your boyfriend or girlfriend never talks about God, he or she is probably not talking to God.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“Your job is to figure out if they are into God only because you’re into God and they’re into you, or if your intended is a genuine and passionate follower of Christ without you around.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“Your goal is to bring the light and truth of Christ into whatever sphere God places you.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“We are told to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, not seek first marriage. So don’t put your faith, worship, and service on a shelf, assuming you can pick it back up once you find your mate. Get involved in God’s work. Read books on spiritual growth, and engage in small groups that challenge and inspire you.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“Tell friends what you’re looking for. Be strategic about where you recreate, work, shop, and worship. Get up and take action instead of crossing your fingers and waiting. That’s what God specifically tells us to do in Proverbs 31:10. It’s even what Abraham sent his servant to do on behalf of Isaac. Increase your odds of marrying well by focusing on your own character—spiritually, financially, relationally, and emotionally—so that you become more attractive as a marriage partner.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“Make an Investment Waiting for someone to “find” you is like hoping to get rich by playing the lottery. The opposite and wiser approach is to make many sound investments. Instead of waiting around and hoping you get lucky in love, then, focus on making regular wise investments.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“Some Christians find themselves in a dating dead end. There’s no one suitable where they work or at their church. For their own reasons, they refuse to look at any online dating options. Instead of putting themselves in social environments where they might find someone, they start to feel bitter and angry and blame God for not bringing the right one along.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“What I’m suggesting doesn’t contradict that; however, are you putting yourself in situations where you can be pursued? Are you in a place where you can be noticed? Can you do anything to put yourself in somebody’s awareness?”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“When it comes to choosing a mate, God will bring the right person to me at the right time. I’ll just sit back and wait.” That sounds so spiritual, so trusting, so … holy. But consider this attitude in virtually any other aspect of life. For instance, how “holy” and wise does this sound: “I don’t plan to apply to any colleges. I figure if I’m supposed to go to college, God will make sure the University of Texas sends me a letter, complete with a dorm key. That’ll be my sign.” Or this: “Why should I fill out a job application? If God wants me to work at Microsoft, He can have the CEO give me a call.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“Searching Questions Do you believe there is just one person you’re “supposed” to marry? What do you base this belief on? How will this affect the way you approach finding a marriage partner? Discuss this statement: “Notice, however, that in Plato’s view, romantic love makes us weaker, whereas in the biblical view, love makes us stronger.” Compare the two views on love. In what ways do you think the process someone uses to get married (rushed or deliberate) reflects whether he or she will put in the relational work necessary to make a marriage succeed and continue to grow ever more intimate throughout the years? Why is it dangerous to date when you feel desperate? How can someone deal with such desperation responsibly so that it doesn’t affect the choice of marriage partner? Do you agree that the mystical approach of asking God to just tell you whom you “should” marry is an immature way to approach getting married? Why or why not? How might the “sole mate” notion of love—marriage being designed not to complete us but to provide us with a life partner with whom we can grow in our ability to love—affect whom you consider marrying?”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“I didn’t fully realize back then how important all this was. While I am still very attracted to Lisa, the backbone of our relationship is a joint pursuit of God’s truth, a commitment to travel God’s journey of sacrificial love, and a commitment to grow in godliness. Laughing now, Lisa said when she married me she thought I “could do no wrong.” After we got married, she found out otherwise—and was relieved that I was as motivated to keep growing spiritually as she was. Seeking first God’s kingdom and righteousness together may not sound like the most exciting or emotional love, but it is certainly the truest love. And it is the only kind of love that lasts.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“Focusing on marriage too much is, ironically enough, the best way to kill it. Find a partner with whom you can seek first the kingdom of God, someone who inspires you toward righteousness, and when you do, “all these things will be added to you.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“But the first priority, according to Scripture, is to find a spiritually compatible person, and then, under that umbrella, find a sexually compatible person. If you reverse those two categories, you can expect to find short-term satisfaction at the risk of long-term frustration.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“And the top thing a young man should consider is this: “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised” (Prov. 31:30). The Bible tells young men to search for a woman of character; while looks won’t last, godly character improves with age. It says absolutely nothing about “feelings” and warns against putting too much emphasis on physical attraction or”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“The language of the Bible doesn’t suggest there is only one right choice for marriage. Rather, all the teaching passages seem to suggest that there are wise and unwise choices. We are encouraged to use wisdom, not destiny, as our guide when choosing a marital partner.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“Our search for a life mate, then, isn’t one of desperation, but rather one of patiently looking for someone with whom we can share God’s love and live out God’s purpose.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“If there is no sexual attraction, you’re going to have a difficult time fulfilling your role as a husband or wife. If the thought of seeing this person naked makes you want to vomit, don’t marry him or her. Sex is a significant aspect of marriage, and if you don’t think you can enjoy and enthusiastically participate in sexual relations, you shouldn’t get married.”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?

“Jesus’ words—indeed, the whole of Scripture—call God’s people to build a spiritual partnership. That’s what you should be looking for: Can this person walk with me toward God? It’s not selfish to choose wisely in marriage; it’s being a good steward of the one life God has given you. If you marry someone with serious mental issues, addictions, or character flaws, it’s like entering a marathon with a heavy backpack. Ask yourself, Will the person I’m considering help me run the race God has laid out before me, or will he or she act like an anchor dragging at my feet?”
― Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?