A brick and a blanket walk into a bar Quotes

“A brick makes an excellent window cleaner, if you throw it hard enough. Before you know it, your window will look so clean you’d think it had been replaced with a new one.
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A brick could be used to perpetually feed the hungry, stop all wars, educate the masses, and ensure everlasting peace for all populations throughout time. Wait, I’m sorry, that’s not right. I was confusing a brick with a blanket. It’s a blanket that could be used for all those things. 
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A blanket could be used to hide my shame and cover my insecurities. But so could a camouflaged condom.
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A brick could be surgically inserted in the chest of a man who needs a heart transplant. And for just $20,000 more dollars, that brick could be replaced with a new heart.
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“I’m surprised there isn’t a jet airplane designed in the shape of a brick. Some people (aeronautical engineers) might say that’s because bricks aren’t aerodynamic. Yeah, right. I’d like to see someone make that claim as they watch a brick flying towards their face at a high velocity. 
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you’re having boring, obligatory sex with your spouse, who’s as dry and exciting as a sack of flour. 
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A brick could be dropped on your mother-in-law’s head from the height of 66.6 feet. You know, as a going away present. 
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A brick could make everything better for me. Now, if I could only find a way to get my hands on one. But it’s a silly dream, because I don’t have the ambition to get out from under my blanket and go out and grab the very thing I most desire. 
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A brick could be used as a puzzle. See if you can correctly add up the number of sides. If you keep getting the number seven, try consulting a psychologist—or a numerologist. Incidentally, I just so happen to be the latter, so feel free to give me a call. But don’t feel too free, because my services are most certainly not free.
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A brick has no legs, so it probably slithers like a snake. Therefore, a brick might make a good pet. And at least you wouldn’t have to walk it.
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A brick could be placed in the center of a silver platter, surrounded by leafy green garnishes to compliment the red of the brick, and frozen for the next time you have the in-laws over for dinner. I’d recommend eating before they arrive, because I’m not sure you’ll want to have any of the “meatloaf” you’ll be serving them. 
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A blanket can be wrapped around one’s head and used as a helmet. It’s particularly appropriate if you wear your blanket helmet during a pillow fight with me, because unbeknownst to you, I’ll have a brick stuffed at the bottom of my pillowcase.
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A brick could be put on the end of a scale, to determine if the other end of the scale holds a lie or the truth. (Hint: The truth is much heavier than a brick.)
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A brick can’t cure cancer. But who knows, maybe a brick combined with a blanket could. I’ll have to ask Dr. Burzynski about it.
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A blanket isn’t the solution, a blanket is the problem. I say we burn all the blankets, along with the bodies of the unbelievers.
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A brick is to a blanket, as the moon is to Sun Tzu. Fear my fearlessness!
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A brick could be affixed to each end of an axle, for an example of transportation in a pre-wheel society. 
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A blanket and a brick could be put in a ring and paid to fight. Compared to MMA, it would be boring. But compared to boxing, it would be downright thrilling. 
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A blanket could be drenched in water, frozen, and then enjoyed like a giant cotton popsicle by prisoners of a gulag, who might consider this a tasty treat compared to what they normally eat. 
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“One brick is not a wall. Unless you’re an ant, and then it’s not only a wall, it’s a building—a building that has no doors, windows, or people in the form of managers that I’d like to smash in the face with a building (or a brick).
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A brick could be placed in an empty circular room, so that when you tell a dunce to go stand in the corner, he won’t feel so stupid and will know where to go.
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A brick is a rust-colored blur of movement, caught in a moment, and transformed from motion into a physical object. Studying this brick would give scientists an insight into how fast I run.
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A brick is a duplicate. It is a physical copy of the idea for a brick. And what’s the big idea? A brick represents unity, a notion of hey, let’s build something together. Like a house, for example. And after you help me build my house, I’ll use a leftover brick and smash you over the skull so that not only will I not have to pay you for your labor, but I won’t have to pay the butcher for meat, because with your sturdy body, I’m sure I’ll have enough food to feed my family for a year. 
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right now: I get to be quarterback.
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“Through the miracle of science, or divine intervention, a brick could be made soft, like Jell-O, and a blanket could be made rigid, like the laws regarding the speed limit, as interpreted by the cop who pulled me over last night. Come on, Officer Dogood—97 in a 30 mile an hour zone is not egregious. It’s not like I was speeding with no lights on while wearing a blindfold and blasting Lady Gaga from my radio to mask the sound of pounding fists from a kidnapping victim I had tied up in my trunk. Now that is something that would merit a stiff penalty, like a parking ticket, or maybe a stern warning. 
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A blanket could be used to find the Brick of Truth. Many lies will be layered on the Brick of Truth to try to cover it up, but the blanket will cover up all the lies, thus covering up the cover up and thereby revealing the Brick of Truth. And don’t try to steal the covers, because the blanket will only provide warmth to the Brick of Truth. 
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A brick could replace the cardboard bill on a baseball cap. On a windy day, no gust will knock your hat off.
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A brick is a lot like love. I mean, I’m sure it is. It simply must be. However, I can’t think of how at the moment, but that’s natural, because I’m not Cupid. OK, here’s something: A brick has six sides, and love—wait, no, love only has five sides. Damn! A brick is red, and love—is transparent (visually it’s invisible, and truthfully it’s transparent). So color is out, shape is out—which leaves sound. A brick is silent, while love sounds like the hum of an electric generator. After a while, you may not hear it and you think it’s silent, but that’s only because you’re acclimated to it and have tuned it out.
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A brick could be used to measure the speed of gravity, but an apple offers a tastier option. 
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar

“A brick has ten holes in two rows lining the center—perfect so that you and nine of your friends can each stick your little dicks in the brick after a few beers.
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― Jarod Kintz, A brick and a blanket walk into a bar