Accidentally Married to...a Vampire? Quotes

“He shoved the phone at her again. “What does this do?” Hand shaking, she took it from him. “Um. It’s called a Smartphone. You can talk to people or send messages. It’s got Internet too.” She pointed to a collection of funny looking symbols on the glossy surface. Inter-net. Is that used for some sort of fishing? And why is the phone called smart? Were prior ones stupid?”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“Any day now?” Viktor prodded. “Sì, sì. Do not get your…” Niccolo paused to recall the exact phrase. “Get your balls in a bunch.” Viktor shook his head. “Panties.” Niccolo frowned. “Why would you wear panties? Aren’t those for females?” Viktor growled. “Can we go now?” “Yes, but I insist you tell me more about your man-panties later.”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“Come, my handsome vampire. I have a few things I must do to prepare you. Then I’ll put you somewhere safe to await your bride. Oh—I know!” She clapped excitedly. “You can stay inside my piggy bank! And I’ll create a drama-tastic jungle intro to your lady! How about Romancing the Stone meets Apocalypto?”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“If you love her, set her free. If she comes back, she’s yours. If she doesn’t…Christ! Stubborn woman! Hunt her down, and bring her the hell back; she’s still yours according to vampire law.”


- Niccolo DiConti, General of the Vampire Queen’s Army.”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“Wow! First vampires. Then gods. Now…vampire—gods? What’s next? Werewolves? Smurfs? Were-Smurfs?”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“Andrus turned the engine and gave her a suspicious look. “You smell like...” He shifted into drive. “What?” “Nothing, but—did something happen inside?” Could he really smell…that? He crinkled his nose. “Your face is red and your scent is…” Oh, God. He can! Kill me now! Giant bomb, falling tree, spontaneous combustion…anything!”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“Although he was an ancient Viking, Viktor wasn’t “old school” as the younger vampires called it. Viktor embraced everything modern, and that included automatic handguns with custom made wooden bullets and quirky sayings like, “That’s right, bitches! Who’s your bad-dy?”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“So. You in?” Niccolo looked from side to side. “In? In what?” “Yes. In. Are you onboard? Ready to throw down. Roll the dice. Ride that crazy cow called life and make her your bitch?” Niccolo frowned. Her colloquialisms were simply offensive. And this coming from a ruthless vampire. “You are asking if I am committed. Sì?” “Siii.” She rolled her eyes.”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“Hey, I’ve been alive for a very, very long time. Boring,” she sang out. “Gotta do something for kicks, and a good apocalypse every now and then fills the cracks. It’s like the Super Bowl for us gods…but without the beer and everyone could die. Fun, right?”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“Okay. Good point.” He’s very honest. I should ask how he is in bed. She slapped her hands over her mouth. “I didn’t just say that out loud again, did I?”
"Yes, you did.”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“Yes, a proud, proud moment in my life. If only that could go on my Facebook timeline!”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“Control, no. This place—I simply do not understand it. The humans here wear giant cocktail glasses around their necks and insert exorbitant amounts of money into little machines that light up. I still cannot understand, however, why they call them ‘slut machines.’ Is because they steal your money?” “I believe the correct name is ‘slot machine.’ They’re kind of fun…”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“You’re hurt,” she commented. And I care? Okay. It’s official. I’m my own species now: pathetic-deathwish-osaurus…I sooo hear extinction calling me.”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“As darkness descended, fear continued hammering on the cracks of her rational mind. Even the critters had decided to ratchet up the volume. Great. A creepy nature soundtrack for my own personal nightmare. “How about some Tomb Raider music, people!”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“I happen to be partial to humans - most, anyway. Clowns, not so much. Those evil bastards never stop smiling.”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“Cimil watched Helena disappear into the pawnshop. “Ha! Did I tell you this was gonna be drama-tastic, or what?” she said toward the roof of the car. “Just wait ‘til you see what I have coming next! That vampire’s gonna be so jealous, his head’s going to spin like a Beyblade.”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“Niccolo had never seen so many gadgets and flashing lights, all just so they could remotely observe an abandoned military hanger about a quarter mile away. In the good ol’ days, we just hid behind a bush.”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“And, let me compliment your fashionable attire, my friend. Is naked the new black?” said Rodrigo. Apparently, the two men could see each other. That figures; all monsters can see in dark. “I am uncertain of what happened to the old black while I have been indisposed,” Niccolo replied flatly.”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“There were certain elements of the human world that where out of their control: war, inflation, American Idol…all things which could cause major irritation to a vampire’s daily life.”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“Oh. Come on! I left my backpack on the bus.” According to Darwin, you’re a prime candidate for extinction. Too stupid to live!”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“You will marry me. We will be together. I will not discuss this again.” His dark eyes turned into bottomless, black pits. “Capisce?” he growled. Barbarian. Or, is he a medieval bastard? Dammit why didn't I pay closer attention to time periods in history class?”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“What the hell?” Helena objected. “And would someone please flick a Bic or rub two sticks together? I want to die knowing exactly what killed me.”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“You want to leave the queen’s employ?” He nodded with an uncompromising stare. “Complicated. Unprecedented. Perfectly insane…I’m in!”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“Am I really going to die?” Cimil’s face lit up with shock. “Jeez. What kind of goddess do you think I am? We just met, and I only kill people I know.”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“Is there any spot on his body that isn’t hard? Tonsils? Kidneys? Oh! His tongue... silky little devil.”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“She spun to face him. “Listen, Hellboy, we need to make this quick. I have garage sales to hit and naughty souls to claim. Decide.” “I do not understand.” Was this goddess tormenting him for sport? Why did she call him “Hellboy?” How very rude! She poked at his bare chest with a razor sharp fingernail. “You hate taking orders.” Sì, true. After all, I am vampire. “And even if you decided to listen like a good little boy, the odds of pulling this off are slim to none.” I happen to excel at all things impossible. I am a vampire! “So don’t come crying if you end up in your queen’s dungeon…” Vampires do not cry, silly woman. “Tortured three times a day for all eternity, which is where you have a ninety-nine point nine, nine, nine percent chance of landing if you don’t do exactly as I say.” Actually, those numbers are quite encouraging. He thought his odds were somewhere between pigs flying and hell freezing over. “Buon. I understand. Tell me what you saw, what I must do.”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“He’s such a workaholic. Never stops to reflect, smell the roses. It’s just kill, kill, protect, protect with that man.”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“Sì, maybe I should consult Viktor. Niccolo pulled his phone from his pocket. His fingers jabbed at the miniature text pad with frustration:
H asked me 2 break 1 of my rules, then I should sleep w/ her. Yes? Niccolo hit send.
Viktor responded immediately: U mean sexting. right?
Niccolo: Sexting?
Viktor: Sex+texting.
Niccolo: Idiot. real sex.
Viktor: Dumbass! Then u lose chance 4 freedom.
Niccolo: Have lost it already. I think.
Viktor: K, then tell her who U R instead, ass.”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“A tick of amusement flashed in Tomas’ eyes. “I can see you are not quite comfortable with leaving your quarters just yet, so may I order you some food?” Helena lifted her chin. She was determined to bury her fear, and that included her wobbly knees that seemed to recognize she was talking to a lion who, under normal circumstances, viewed her as a tasty gazelle. “Sausage Pizza and…Dr. Pepper.” Tomas stared for several moments, fear filling his eyes. “I am certain we can find you a pizza, but I was not aware you are ill and require a doctor. Niccolo will have my head.” This was going to be a very, very long day.”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?

“For darn certain, that other sensation (which she was not going to think about) was her body telling her the time had come to give away that virginity of hers—just like those size seven jeans in the back of her closet. How unkind to keep something someone else could put to good use. Greedy, greedy girl.”
― Mimi Jean Pamfiloff, Accidentally Married to...a Vampire?