The Android's Dream Quotes

“Dirk Moeller didn’t know if he could fart his way into a major diplomatic incident. But he was ready to find out.”
― John Scalzi, The Android's Dream

“One of the great unwritten chapters of retail intelligence programming featured a “personal shopper” program that all-too-accurately modeled the shoppers’ desires and outputted purchase ideas based on what shoppers really wanted as opposed to what they wanted known that they wanted. This resulted in one overcompensatingly masculine test user receiving suggestions for an anal plug and a tribute art book for classic homoerotic artist Tom of Finland, while a female test user in the throes of a nasty divorce received suggestions for a small handgun, a portable bandsaw, and several gallons of an industrial solvent used to reduce organic matter to an easily drainable slurry. After history’s first recorded instance of a focus group riot, the personal shopper program was extensively rewritten.”
― John Scalzi, The Android's Dream

“You have to eliminate the low-hanging targets first, on the off chance you were dealing with morons.”
― John Scalzi, The Android's Dream

“Oh for God's sake how divine can I be? My feet hurt, I have gas and I need to pee.”
― John Scalzi, The Android's Dream

“I have to tell him that the sheep we’re looking for is a woman who runs a pet store,” Creek said. “I think telling him his younger brother’s been resurrected as a computer program might be a little much for one day.”   Archie”
― John Scalzi, The Android's Dream

“But imagine you’re a tapeworm, and then suddenly you’re Goethe. It’s like that.”
― John Scalzi, The Android's Dream

“Even then, retailers learned early that shoppers prefer their shopping suggestions not be too truthful. One of the great unwritten chapters of retail intelligence programming featured a “personal shopper” program that all-too-accurately modeled the shoppers’ desires and outputted purchase ideas based on what shoppers really wanted as opposed to what they wanted known that they wanted. This resulted in one overcompensatingly masculine test user receiving suggestions for an anal plug and a tribute art book for classic homoerotic artist Tom of Finland, while a female test user in the throes of a nasty divorce received suggestions for a small handgun, a portable bandsaw, and several gallons of an industrial solvent used to reduce organic matter to an easily drainable slurry.”
― John Scalzi, The Android's Dream

“In politics as in high school, who you are is to a large extent defined by who you sit with at lunch, and there was no doubt about it, the Earth was sitting at the loser table. It was not, Bob Pope thought, the true destiny of the Earth in our universe to be counted among the diplomatic equivalent of the acne-ridden and the furtively masturbating.”
― John Scalzi, The Android's Dream

“You’re all so busy tending to your own personal tree that you don’t look around to see that the forest is on fire.”
― John Scalzi, The Android's Dream

“Moeller also immediately discounted insults about competence, as the incompetent never question their competence about anything.”
― John Scalzi, The Android's Dream

“If there’s one thing that distinguishes the human species, it is a pathological need to stay connected. The fact your people will interrupt sex to answer your communicators is a scandal across the entire Common Confederation.”
― John Scalzi, The Android's Dream

“Now if you’ll excuse me, gentlemen, I need to play Russian roulette with our planet’s future with the bullet you’ve so thoughtfully provided. I hope you don’t mind if I don’t see you out.”
― John Scalzi, The Android's Dream

“He was ready to unfold the mysteries of the fourteen divine dimensions to her, as described to him by N’thul, a spirit of infinite empathy, who asked only for the construction of a temple, placed in a certain sacred location (a small commercially zoned strip of land in Victorville, off a frontage road, which Dwellin had bought some years earlier in a misguided development scheme), the better to focus its energies and assist humanity into the next stage of its evolution.”
― John Scalzi, The Android's Dream

“Well, let’s start with the big one,” Creek said. “You’re your own nation.” Robin considered that for a moment. “For your sake, that had better not be a comment about the size of my ass,” she said.   The”
― John Scalzi, The Android's Dream

“Deception, as practically manifested, succeeds because of two things. First, the object of deception is convincingly deceptive in its design; i.e., it looks/feels/acts like the real thing. Second, and equally important, the subject of deception must be predisposed to believing that the object of deception is indeed the real thing. These two criteria work in an inverse relationship with each other; a sufficiently deceptive object can convince a skeptical subject, while a subject who sincerely wants to believe will be able to overlook even gross flaws in the object onto which he or she confers belief.”
― John Scalzi, The Android's Dream

“Well, isn’t that just like religion for you, Archie,” he said. “One day it’s a nice way to spend your weekends and the next you’re in the middle of a righteous theological clusterfuck.”
― John Scalzi, The Android's Dream

“Nice is nice,” Hayter-Ross said. “But being a bitch gets results.”
― John Scalzi, The Android's Dream

“Still, I’d like to know how you came up with that line of reasoning.” “You can thank a rabbi,” Javna said. “And a hot dog.”
― John Scalzi, The Android's Dream

“Pope was aware there were other ways to get more diplomatic respect than bigger guns, of course. But while other diplomatic maneuvers sometimes worked and sometimes didn’t, ultimately a big damn gun always commanded respect.”
― John Scalzi, The Android's Dream

“You're insane!"

"Call me HAL and make me sing 'Daisy, Daisy'.”
― John Scalzi, The Android's Dream

“The solution was stupidly simple, which is why no one bothered with it.”
― John Scalzi, The Android's Dream

“Did you know the guy?” Lopez asked. “Who was he?” “Harry Creek,” Creek said. “I knew him.” “Where is he now?” Lopez asked. “He became a shepherd,” Creek said. Gracie laughed. “You’re not serious,” he said. “Actually, I am,” Creek said. “And is he any good at it?” Gracie asked. “I don’t know,” Creek said, and glanced over at Robin. “You’d have to ask the sheep.”
― John Scalzi, The Android's Dream