Redshirts Quotes

“We've already established whoever is writing us is an asshole.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“I don't care whether I really exist or don't, whether I'm real or fictional. What I want right now is to be the person who decides my own fate.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“Sooner or later the Narrative will come for each of us.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“In other words, crew deaths are a feature, not a bug," Cassaway said, dryly.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“Who are you and what medications aren't you taking?" Finn said.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“But define 'completely ridiculous shit,'" Duvall said. "Does space travel count? Contact with alien races? Does quantum physics count? Because I don't understand that crap at all. As far as I'm concerned, quantum physics could have been written by a hack.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“For all we know, this”—he scrolled up on the phone screen to find a label—“this Wikipedia information database here is compiled by complete idiots.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“I thought I saw him once, but it turned out to be a yeti”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“Ensign Davis thought, Screw this, I want to live, and swerved to avoid the land worms. But then he tripped and one of the land worms ate his face and he died anyway.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“You’ll notice that the Intrepid’s inertial dampeners don’t work as well in crisis situations, Dahl remembered Jenkins telling them. The ship could do hairpin turns and loop-de-loops any other time and you’d never notice. But whenever there’s a dramatic event, there goes your footing.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“Filled with existential ennui about your place in the universe? Get over yourself. Yes, you're an inconsequential worm in the grand scope of history. But you're an inconsequential worm who makes shit up for a living, which means that you don't have to lift heavy boxes or ask people if they want fries with that. Grow up and get back to work.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“Is it good? It ain't Shakespeare, but then, Shakespeare wrote Titus Andronicus, so you tell me.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“Jesus," Kerensky said, looking around. "You people. I have one of the most incredible experiences I'll ever have, talking with the one person who really gets me - who really understands me - and you're all down here thinking I'm performing some sort of time-travelling incestuous masturbation thing.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“Q’eeng had just attempted in the third dialect the traditional rightward schism greeting of “I offer you the bread of life,” but his phrasing and accent had transmuted the statement into “Let us violate cakes together.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“Is it a shark made of ice?" Hanoen asked. "Or a shark that lives in ice?”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“My characters were...rebelling against something...My own bad writing. I wouldn't do for my characters what they needed for me to do - be courageous enough in my writing to make them interesting.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“Well, that's science fiction television for you, though," Abnett said. "Someone's got to be the red shirt.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“In one hand I have a restraining order, and in the other I have a Taser. Which would you like to meet first?”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“Whether you're an extra or the hero, this story is about to end. When it's done, whatever you want to be will be up to you and only you. It will happen away from the eyes of any audience and from the hand of any writer. You will be your own man.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“God is a hack,” he said. “He’s a writer on an awful science fiction television show, and He can’t plot His way out of a box. How do you have faith when you know that?”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“Other science fiction shows had science advisers and consultants," Hanson pointed out.

"It's science fiction, " Weinstein said. "The second part of that phrase matters too."

"But you're making it bad science fiction," Hester said. "And we have to live in it.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“If knew you were going to drug me, kidnap me, and take me back to the dark ages with out my pants, I never would have slept with you.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“I mean that you and I know that in this universe, God is a hack," he said. "He's a writer on an awful science fiction television show, and He can't plot His way out of a box. How do you have faith when you know that?”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“When I was twelve, my appendix burst, and as they were wheeling my ass into the operating room, I asked the doctor, “How will this affect my piano playing?” and he said, “Don’t worry, you’ll still be able to play the piano,” and I said, “Wow! I wasn’t able to before!” And then they gassed me.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“Hide’ isn’t a word we like to use," Cassaway said. "‘Perform alternative tasks’ is the preferred term.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“Yes, death by away team. Very effective on this ship,” Jenkins said.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“Okay, that's intensely interesting," Duvall said. "So you're a priest of the Forshan religion? Which schism?"
"The leftward schism, and no, not a priest."
"Couldn't handle the celibacy?"
"Leftward priests aren't required to be celibate," Dahl said, "but considering I was the only human at the seminary, I had celibacy thrust upon me, if you will."
"Some people wouldn't let that stop them," Duvall said.
"You haven't seen a Forshan seminary student up close," Dahl said. "Also, I don't swing xeno.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“This is what happens when the Narrative takes over. Things quit making sense. The laws of physics take a coffee break. People stop thinking logically and start thinking dramatically.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“The moral of the story was not to wear a red shirt. Or go on away missions when you’re the only one whose name isn’t on the opening credits.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts

“We’ve already established whoever is writing us is an asshole. This sounds like just the sort of thing an asshole writer would do.”
― John Scalzi, Redshirts