You're Not Doing It Right Quotes

“Choose hope over fear.”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

“Marriage felt like a fading American institution, as relevant to me as the Elks Club. Plus, I considered myself punk rock, and punk rockers don't believe in boring societal conventions like marriage. We prefer boring societal conventions like punk rock.”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

“I am not a music snob. If anything, my musical taste is bad by any critical standards. My favorite song of all time is "Come On Eileen" by Dexys Midnight Runners. A close second is "MMMBop" by Hanson. So I am not out there claiming any musical superiority, but Creed really does suck. Bad music, pretentious lyrics, and a messianic front man. Also they are from Florida. No good rock music has ever come from Florida. Undoubtedly, there will be legions of offended readers who think to themselves, What are you talking about! Such-and-such band is from Flordia and they're freaking awesome! No, whatever band you are thinking of, if they are from Flordia, they suck. Not as much as Creed, but they still suck.”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

“Her lips remind me of kite strings and I find myself thinking about panda bears. Panda bears do not fly kites, I tell myself.

'I thought you were dead,' she says.

Maybe if you taped a kite to a panda paw and scared the panda so that it started running, the kite might start to lift off.”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

“If I have any faith at all, I guess that's it. Faith in the small love that keeps our family together.”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

“...Even to me, a sufferer, 'depression' seems like a fetid load of weaselly claptrap, a cheap and easy excuse for not participating in life.”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

“Cluelessness is not an attractive quality in a man.”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

“When I am at work, that is my time to work. The workspace is not the appropriate arena for us to discuss your problems. When I am there I need to be left undisturbed to check what people are saying about me on Twitter.”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

“I am extremely gullible when I lie to myself.”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

“Perhaps we will end up one of those sad childless couples who spend all their time sleeping late, buying luxury goods, traveling the world, and enjoying each other’s company. That would be terrible.”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

“You know how Burger King often employs mentally handicapped people to wipe down tables at their restaurants? What those people are to Burger King, paralegals are to lawyers. It's the lowest job you can possibly get and still technically be considered in the legal profession”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

“Sometimes I worry about what I will do when the shit goes down. I’m not sure which specific shit I mean. Maybe nuclear shit or biological weapon shit or zombie shit. What if my family is cut off from civilization for an indefinite period of time and it’s my job to take care of everybody? Could I muster the necessary resources to accomplish the task? I actually do know the answer to this question: no. When the shit goes down, my family will be the first to die.”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations