Possible Quotes

“Deep listening means leaving where our mind is and starting the conversation where their mind is. It means listening from within their frame of reference, not just ours.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“If you’re asking “Who’s winning this marriage?” your marriage is probably in serious difficulty.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“As I have learned over the years, the real difficulty in getting to yes is not just in the external negotiation between the two parties but also in the internal negotiation within each party.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“By zoom out, I simply mean to expand your focus to see the bigger picture.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“Here’s what I have learned from conflicts such as this: the deeper we go into motivations, the more possibilities we find for transforming conflict. So don’t just stop at positions or even interests. Keep zooming in until you reach basic human needs.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“Tellingly, those actions freed him from his psychological dependence on his opponent and the need to get him to behave a certain way.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“It’s not just the way we talk to each other that is important. It’s the way we listen and witness each other.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“What is conflict? It can be defined as a clash between opposing positions arising from a perceived divergence of interests and perspectives.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“By delving deep into what people really want, we may discover that although the parties’ positions may be rigidly opposed, their interests may not be. That gives us a chance to expand the pie before dividing it up.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“We should never allow ourselves to be bullied by an either-or. There is often the possibility of something better than either of these two alternatives. —Mary Parker Follett”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“The secret to listening well to others, I have found, is to listen to myself first. It is to begin by going to the balcony. If I can’t find a way to pause and resource myself, how can I find the capacity to listen? If I don’t zoom in to what I really want, how can I zoom in to listen to what they really want? If I don’t zoom out and see the bigger picture, what incentive do I have to listen? Balcony is a prerequisite for bridge.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“Respect for the other person flows directly from respect for yourself. You give respect to the other not so much because of who they are but because of who you are.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“In contentious conflicts, respect may be the last thing we feel like giving. We might feel that those on the other side don’t deserve our respect. But remember, basic human respect doesn’t mean approving of their behavior—or even liking them.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“As we said goodbye, the young commander said something telling: “You know, other Westerners—journalists and diplomats—have come to speak with us. But you are the first ones who really listened.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“Before the meeting, I had made the all-too-common mistake of focusing on what I could say to him, not on how I could listen to him.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“If empathy seems like a lot to swallow in an adversarial situation, you can choose to think of it as strategic empathy: understanding the other so that you can better advance your own interests.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each one’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility. —Henry Wadsworth Longfellow”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“Carter used the one-text process to break the impasse by simplifying the decision-making process and increasing the parties’ buy-in.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“The third is the power to attract: to make it easy for them to say yes.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“The second is the power to create: to invent options for mutual gain.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“The first is the power to listen deeply: to hear what those on the other side really want. Leave where your mind is and start the conversation where their minds are.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“What is my WATNA—my worst alternative to a negotiated agreement? How can I avert the worst and aim for the best?”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“Even if both sides can’t always win, it’s always possible for both sides to lose, along with everyone around them.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“We may resist thinking about our BATNA because it seems like negative thinking. But as Abilio discovered, BATNA gives you freedom and confidence.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“The purpose of negotiation, I would suggest, is not necessarily to reach agreement. The real purpose is to explore with the other side whether you can meet your needs through negotiation better than you could by not negotiating—in other words, better than by using your BATNA.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“It is often not enough to ask ourselves why? just once. To get to the deepest level of the iceberg, we may need to keep asking why?—two, three, four, even five times in succession.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“As the story illustrates, positions close off possibilities, whereas interests open up new possibilities.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“Whereas positions are what we say we want, interests are why we want what we want.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“In the language of negotiation, to zoom in means to focus on the interests that lie underneath our positions.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“Benjamin Franklin, a highly practical and scientific man, once advised, “Observe all men, thyself most.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict