Bill the Vampire Quotes

“I'm surprised you're not freaking."
"I don't freak'" he said bluntly.
"You kinda did when I burst into flames earlier."
"You caught me by surprise. Next time, I'll just whip out the marshmallows.”
― Rick Gualtieri, Bill the Vampire

“My plan is a lot like anyone else's. Maximize my good times, minimize my bad, and leave the larger stuff to people who give more of a shit than I do.”
― Rick Gualtieri, Bill the Vampire

“This was shaping up to be the worst conference call of my life, even worse than that time I accidentally clogged the school toilet back in the first grade with my Boba Fett figure (I was pretending it was the Sarlaac pit).”
― Rick Gualtieri, Holier Than Thou

“I met him thrust for thrust...in a fighting sort of way, not a porno sort of way. Just wanted to clarify that.”
― Rick Gualtieri, Bill the Vampire

“This was also a rescue mission to find...someone. It would be pretty damn sad if we wound up winning the day only to leave some poor schmuck tied up here to starve to death, all because it slipped my mind. Guys like Batman just didn't do stupid shit like that.”
― Rick Gualtieri, Bill the Vampire

“My plan is a lot like anyone else's: maximize my good times, minimize my bad, and leave the larger stuff to people who give more of a shit than I do.”
― Rick Gualtieri, Bill the Vampire

“thinking something else was a myth...that's a good one)”
― Rick Gualtieri, Bill the Vampire

“Oh, well, as long as I wasn't also all sparkly, because that would just be fucking weird.”
― Rick Gualtieri, Bill the Vampire

“him. Instead, I lapsed into a quick retelling of where I’d been and what had happened. As I did, my eyes crept over to the clock on the wall.”
― Rick Gualtieri, Goddamned Freaky Monsters

“People tended to get too nostalgic for such things, not realizing that there is very limited pride to be had in torturing oneself just for the sake of doing so.”
― Rick Gualtieri, Goddamned Freaky Monsters