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Bill the Vampire

(The Tome of Bill #1)

3.82  ·  Rating details ·  5,814 ratings  ·  483 reviews
There are reasons we fear the night. He isn't one of them.

Meet Bill Ryder: programmer, gamer geek, and hopeless dweeb when it comes to women. All he ever asked for out of life was to collect his paycheck, hang out with his buds, and eventually (someday) ask out the girl of his dreams.

However, then Bill met Sally. She was mysterious, aggressive, and best of all...smoking h
Kindle Edition, 292 pages
Published October 31st 2012 by Wayman Publishing (first published March 3rd 2011)
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Laura He's a douche to the end of the series, but significantly less so. His "witty" and "snarky" commentary decreases in quantity significantly the farther…moreHe's a douche to the end of the series, but significantly less so. His "witty" and "snarky" commentary decreases in quantity significantly the farther into the series you last. By the end of the first book, he is almost tolerable. Like that friend who you'll hang out with in a group, but never call up to hang out with just him. By the end of the series, he's at least somewhat respectful to women, if nothing else, but still has that ability to be a jerk to anyone at any time.

IF you can tolerate the misogyny, which is particularly bad throughout the first half of the first book, the actual story throughout the series is good. But if you can't, don't blame you. I only did because I was skimming past it. (less)

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Average rating 3.82  · 
Rating details
 ·  5,814 ratings  ·  483 reviews

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Dec 14, 2012 rated it did not like it
Shelves: dropped
This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here.
Montzalee Wittmann
Jun 20, 2020 rated it liked it
Bill the Vampire
By: Rick Gualtieri
Narrated by: Christopher John Fetherolf
I was not impressed with the narration or the attempt at humor but it did have potential. I decided to give it a chance at book 2.
Mr. Matt
Oct 22, 2014 rated it really liked it
Bill The Vampire is Dinner for Schmucks meets True Blood. Bill Ryder is a nice, quiet guy. He keeps to himself. By day he is a programmer in a NYC game company. By night he plays online games and the occasional session of Dungeons & Dragons. He's a bit socially awkward and a few pounds overweight. So when the beautiful, vivacious super-model-type starts chatting him up on the subway he thinks that he has won the lottery. Sally invites him to a party. It seems to good to be true. It was.

The party
Thomas Strömquist
May 24, 2016 rated it it was ok
This was readable, but way too long. Revenge of the Nerds meets Return of the Living Dead (the author suggested other horror/comedies, but I don't agree. Besides, I like RotLD).

College/nerd humor complete with all the homophobia and sex obsession and quite an awful ending. Despite some Seinfeld-humor type grunts (rather than laughs) and a few pop culture reference hits (that I liked), consider my rating a rounded-up one...
DNF @ 7% with zero stars given

Authors! Take heed!

Non-stop vulgar/crude/offensive language DOES NOT equal humor!
Nov 24, 2012 rated it liked it
This is a perfect book to read when you have a book hangover, or the last book you read was so terrible you need a brain scrub.
It was full of witty banter garnished with sarcasm, a lot of it pointed at vampire cliches.

Aug 16, 2012 rated it it was amazing
I would love to say something extremely witty in my opening line for my review of Bill The Vampire. After all, it's been since June since I have posted a review and Rick Gualtieri has waited an unforgivable amount of time for it. I read Bill The Vampire months ago and i'm still freaking giggling about it. I don't giggle much. Laugh, well yah. A good deep giggle? Not too often, hence, I treasure anyone or thing that causes them.

Bill has been added to my favorite list and belongs there. Even thou
Jul 04, 2014 rated it it was ok
It was an interesting story and well written, but I had a hard time with wanting to cheer for the protagonist. All the characters seemed to be similar, sure there were minute differences, but all the men were a-holes, the "bad guys" were jock a-holes while the "good guys" were nerd a-holes. All the women were stuck up with superiority complexes and willing to sell out anyone else at the drop of a hat. The good guys spent a lot of time thinking about how they were better than the bad guys, but al ...more
Oct 17, 2011 rated it it was amazing
Live, from New York!!, October 17, 2011
By Georgeanna

This review is from: Bill The Vampire (The Tome of Bill) (Kindle Edition)
I pictured Bill to look like Dan Akroyd when he was on Saturday Night Live! and I've got to tell you, it totally worked!! I laughed my butt off at this book. It's a completely different take on a subject that's mostly been populated with angst-ridden, drama queen characters. Bill's a big dork and he has dorky friends. Their quips, put downs, and one liners are perfectly d
Heather K (dentist in my spare time)

*3.5 stars*

Pure fun.

This book is unlike any other that I've read. It is funny if you are into kind of geeky, self-deprecating, sophomoric humor (raises hand). It is a vampire book that mocks vampire books (LOVE) and it takes place practically in my backyard (Bill is from a neighboring town!!).

Heavy on substance this is not, but it was a hilarious way to spend my afternoon. The audiobook had a spot-on narration (even if all of the characters sounded the same) and I found myself snorting out loud
Apr 05, 2013 rated it it was ok
Shelves: horror
Do you ever get annoyed at a book because the story goes a different way than what you thought it would? Bill The Vampire did this to me, of sorts, and it has left me somewhat uncertain of what to think of it. On one hand, I did enjoy it more than I thought I would, but on the other, I get the feeling it would have been cooler "my way," but I'll get back to that.

So, meet Bill Ryder. Bill Ryder is what you think of when you hear the word "Nerd," down to the very details, or at least the unflatter
Solace Winter
Feb 03, 2012 rated it it was amazing
Think of a mix between MaryJanice Davidson and Christopher Moore. If those two let their vampire novels mate and have a babe it would likely be Bill the Vampire. With Davidson's quick wit and Moore's penchant for hilarity they might create something suitable for everyone; which in and of itself surprised the Hell out of me.

Bill the Vampire is the story about what happens when the geek becomes a vampire. Excellent thought process that never stops to take itself too seriously but is never so over-
Nov 25, 2012 rated it it was ok
Even for someone like me who feels obligated to read almost everything vampire-related, this was a "meh" book. It excelled at snark and sarcasm, just as the many reviews claimed. However, I couldn't help noticing that despite the main character making references to all the clichés that weren't being followed, in the end the book just chose slightly different clichés and followed those instead. The main character and his roommates seemed kind of like caricatures of geeks that someone who was neve ...more
Jul 04, 2016 rated it did not like it
Its not horribly written and it has its moments when its almost funny, but there isn't a redeeming quality in a single character in the whole sorry book. Bill, the geek turned vampire, is one of those insecure fat-shaming, slut-shaming, self-pitying jerks who you know has a Tumblr blog where he rants about how he and his buddies are nice guys who always get friend-zoned by women, women who are all slutty worthless *itches he'd still nail if given half a chance. He also has no qualms about murder ...more
Steven Naylor
Dec 19, 2018 rated it really liked it
Rating 4.0 stars

It has been a long time since I have read a "Vampire" book. I read books with vampire characters, but this is the first one in a long time where the lead character is a vampire. I was surprised at how much I really enjoyed this book. The thing that I think did it for me was that the main character wasn't some beautiful creature who could seduce anyone at anytime. He was sort of a loser (not with a capital L but with a lower case l). He had a good job, was kind of geeky, and migh
Wendy Cantu

Gaultieri's Tome of Bill series is outrageous, ridiculous, vulgar, and possibly one of the best humorous fiction series I've read in a long time. Or ever. I don't even know if I should put this on my "guilty pleasures" list, because quite frankly these are exceptionally well-written novels and I'm not sure I should feel guilty about liking them.

The series centers around Bill Ryder, a nerdy video game programmer, and thanks to him following his pants rather than his head one fateful night, a
Dec 03, 2015 rated it did not like it
Shelves: dropped
Summary: If I could give 0 stars, I would. Horribly misogynistic, and not the least bit funny.


It's not often I put down a book and refuse to finish it. I could probably count all the times it's happened on one hand, and I read a lot. I tend to enjoy the journey of experiencing terrible things. However, after 25 pages of cringing through this book, I had to give up.

Here's some choice quotes from the second chapter.

Tom headed out to spend the day with his parents and his cute little sister (wh
Robin Cole
Jul 20, 2013 rated it it was amazing
i LOVE this series- read them all back to back to back which although i like a good series, i rarely do because you get tired of hearing just one voice in your head, but Bill the Vampire is so awesome!
The story is a little non traditional- instead of Bill being one of the beautiful vamps we know and love, he is rather more of a geek, kinda dumpy, utterly average game programmer and wears glasses but has a wicked sense of humor, coated generously with irony and world class timing. He also lives
Cheryl M-M
Aug 26, 2012 rated it really liked it
In the well written and very honest yet slightly rambunctious intro to this book, the author tells you exactly what this book isn't.
It isn't your usual handsome vampire makes all females swoon type of book. Instead the reader gets a glimpse of what happens when a shy awkward geeky guy becomes a so called creature of the night.
The humour is quirky and dry, but it didn't run smoothly throughout the book. It was more of an up and down wave of comedic scenes. The witty parts made me chuckle out loud
Travis Mohrman
Sep 24, 2013 rated it it was amazing
This book had shown up in my suggestions for quite some time. I hadn't read a vampire book in awhile and I had the impression that this was a parody book. My impression was completely incorrect.
This story is washed in a good amount of humor soap, but it is not a parody by any means. It's about what happens when a nerdy, tubby guy gets turned into a vampire. With the help of a smoking hot older vampire and his two nerdy friends, Bill bungles around as one of the newly undead.
The writing was super
Dec 16, 2012 rated it really liked it
This very funny book imagines what it would be like if an ordinary, nerdy guy became a vampire. No sparkles, no extra sex appeal, just a vampire. I loved how his friends continued to have his back and help him out. I enjoyed the snarky tone the narrator (Bill) has. I could totally see this as a movie -- hope someone with those kind of connections can make that happen someday.

If you avoided this thinking it's part of the whole hunky vampire thing, not to worry. Bill is an Everyman who makes his t
May 31, 2016 rated it liked it
Shelves: 2016
I read an interview with the author of the Bill Vampire series where he says he has a lot of fun writing these books. That fun carries over for the reader, too. Just a fun-loving story that had a lot of action and feel good moments. I would consider reading more in this series.
Beth Lee
Jul 02, 2016 rated it really liked it
Fun and funny. A vampire book with a with our main vampire acting as I believe most of us would with a sudden turn in lifestyle change. Fast past and humorous. A good, fun read.
Regina De Los Reyes
May 19, 2017 rated it liked it
The first book in the Tome of Bill series finished. Very unlike other books I've read, written in good fun. Finally a book about the average nerd turned vampire. He is taken in by a coven of above average looking vampires, as the usual character type in vampire stories. A lot of humor and silliness ensues. It sort of reminded me of Shaggy from Scooby-Doo being turned into a vampire. A bit long at times but usually most first books are in a series for a bit of world building. Other than the over- ...more
Dec 15, 2016 rated it it was ok
Decent quick read (if your family and body will let you)- could have finished it in a few hours if I'd had that much free time in a stretch when I wasn't exhausted.

Modern vampire story with a geeky, somewhat relatable protagonist. I say somewhat because although he is smart, often he is just annoying (misogynist commentary, and his snark isn't that good)- but it's not as balanced as other geeky characters I've love in books or on screen. He gets too distracted by unimportant things at times and
Aug 14, 2015 rated it did not like it
Awful. I really wish I could've enjoyed this book, it has so many elements I love - geeks, vampires, an underdog hero but one giant flaw: the way the women are written and written about. It felt borderline violating.

Example: one female vampire described early on how a male vampire could control her and the protagonist asks if they male vampire makes her have sex with him - not in a "wow that's scary, the bastards not raping you is he?" kind of way, no, in an excited kind of way, where he talks a
"There are reasons we fear the night. He isn't one of them."

So begins the tale of Bill the vampire. He is snookered in to attending a party with a hot girl, which should have tipped him off that something wasn't quite right. Bill and attractive women, maybe even women in general, aren't exactly in the same league. Women tend to overlook Bill because of his geeky status, and that for most of the time, he is a bumbling idiot. At said party, Bill is turned into a vampire. Still a geek, still not ho
Marty Essen
Mar 21, 2013 rated it it was amazing
Bill the Vampire was an impulse purchase. I bought the book because the cover made me smile, and the price was cheaper than a Bloody Mary. How could I go wrong?

At first, Bill the Vampire made me chuckle but seemed more suitable for someone in their twenties than for someone like me who is a . . . . no longer in their twenties.

A few chapters in, I even considered dumping the book: “Okay,” I thought, “I’ll read until I laugh once more.” That took about a paragraph.

Another chapter or so in—and seve
Rob Kristoffersen
Jun 23, 2012 rated it it was amazing
In a world that is heavily over-saturated with vampire fiction along comes Rick Gualtieri and 'Bill the Vampire' to change the scope of things for the better. From the cover, it's clear that Bill isn't your average vampire, he's just average and then turned into a vampire. In that way he is highly unique; you don't get the usual vampire image of hotter than hell, powerful as shit, or completely intelligent to the way vampires work. Part of the fun is the learning process, in becoming a vampire i ...more
Mar 19, 2016 rated it did not like it
Shelves: urban-fantasy
This series was recommended to me based on my love for the Dresden Files, by Jim Butcher. While the narration style is very similar, and the characters are relatable to anyone who considers himself a geek/nerd as in the Dresden Files, they lack the one thing I love most about the series which is any redeeming qualities in the main characters whatsoever. Either the author is, or he intentionally made his characters to be misogynistic and with little or no moral compass. Though the premise and plo ...more
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Rick Gualtieri loves to write adventure, mayhem, and snarky dialogue. His bestselling Tome of Bill series combines all of this into a world of supernatural danger with hard-hitting action and plenty of sharp-tongued geeky humor.

Rick lives alone in a dark, evil place called New Jersey with only his wife, three kids, and countless pets to both keep him company and constantly plot against him. When h

Other books in the series

The Tome of Bill (8 books)
  • Scary Dead Things (The Tome of Bill, #2)
  • The Mourning Woods (The Tome of Bill, #3)
  • Holier Than Thou (The Tome of Bill, #4)
  • Goddamned Freaky Monsters (The Tome of Bill, #5)
  • Half a Prayer (The Tome of Bill, #6)
  • The Wicked Dead (The Tome of Bill, #7)
  • The Last Coven (The Tome of Bill #8)

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