The Housewife Assassin's Handbook Quotes

“Make special memories on this day to honor the father of your children by asking the kids to prepare a special meal. (Note: save the rat poison for another time.) ”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

“Pies are so much fun to make—and so simple! All it takes to make a tender, flaky crust is the right amount of vegetable shortening, cut into flour with a sprinkle of cold water, and just a pinch of salt. Cherries have the right sweet-to-tart taste—and are also a good source of poison! Just crush the pits or stems. There you’ll find prussic acid, also known as hydrogen cyanide: easy to sprinkle into both the filling and the crust. How sweet it is!”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

“There will always be a boogie man. Politicians need one.”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

“All I really needed to know about being a freelance assassin I learned before my youngest daughter, Trisha, started kindergarten.”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

“When the time comes, your best bet is to get her into a routine that makes her comfortably drowsy.”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

“The Kelseys’ home is done up in shades of beige and beiger. There are just a few pictures scattered around: of just her and Dave, a burly guy, balding, and a gap-tooth smile.”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

“my mouth opens willingly for his. It’s a Pavlovian thing: when his face is anywhere within kissing distance, I hunger to have his lips on mine.”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

“Granted, your hard-working hubby is doing his fair share just by bringing home the bacon. But by encouraging him to take on a couple of those tasks himself, he’ll soon have more respect for all you do on your family’s behalf. If his excuse for turning you down is that he’s “too tired” or that “it’s women’s work,” there is a simple way to convince him otherwise: food poisoning.”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

“Putting out the trash is a dirty job, but let’s face it—someone has to do it. Whereas many smart wives are able to cajole their husbands into taking on this duty, what happens when the debris that must be eliminated is (ahem) him? Rule of thumb: Do your best to ensure his demise doesn’t leave a lot of clean up. After all, messy is as messy does! Have a body bag on hand prior to disposal. He won’t question its presence if it is storing out-of-season attire in the back of your closet. Talk about recycling!”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

“Should your naughty new neighbors resist your suggestions, invite them over to see your new media room. The fact that it doubles as a torture chamber should encourage them to toe the line!”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

“Important Tip: Avoid arsenic in any dishes. Seems that a dead guest has a way of putting a damper on a party. Go figure.”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

“Bullseye. Well, almost. The cleaver misses his ear by a mere inch. He stops short, but he doesn’t turn around. Instead he squares his shoulders then resumes his stroll out the door.”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

“I’m used to seducing and then killing men when they are at their most vulnerable. Tonight, though, it is me who is fighting the urge to surrender.”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

“Helpful Hint: Some Berettas are compact enough to fit into even the smallest evening clutch.”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

“Tidy Tip: Dig deep, and be sure to cover the body in a heavy layer of slaked lime—also known as calcium hydroxide, or Ca(OH)—which accelerates decomposition and kills odors that attract animals who may want to dig it up. A layer of dirt, then another of the slaked lime before a final half-foot of dirt. The bugs will help finish the job!”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

“He’s lucky I’m not wearing my six-inch fuck-me stilettos.”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

“can I help it if I’m a better assassin than I am a housewife?”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

“The key to spring cleaning is to be ruthless! Throw out anything and everything you never use. (Or that may be incriminating. Burn, if necessary, but remember—if using gasoline, those fires should be contained in a non-flammable container.)”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

“Any woman can be both the perfect housewife and an accomplished assassin, because both functions require the same qualities: creativity; a never-say-die attitude; and an attention to details, no matter how small…”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

“Besides, can I help it if I’m a better assassin than I am a housewife?”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

“the gusto of a broncobuster breaking in the wildest filly in the corral before heading on into the sunset. (In truth, we are in a hillside suite at the Chateau Marmont. But considering Yuri’s attitude toward women, the cowboyspeak sums things up quite nicely.)”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

“All I really needed to know about being a freelance assassin I learned before my youngest daughter, Trisha, started kindergarten. I’ve”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

“Who does she think she’s kidding? As if I don’t know why she’s sucking up to me— Because I’ve got something she’d like to get her hands on. At least, she thinks I’ve got him.”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

“That’s my girl,” murmurs Jack. So, it’s a mutual admiration society. I’m not jealous. I’d just like to know a little background on their relationship. It’s not easy being odd man out, especially on your home turf… Seriously, I’m not jealous. Okay, maybe just a little.”
― Josie Brown, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook