My Life as a White Trash Zombie Quotes

“It reminds me of an old joke: What did the Zombie say to the whore?"
I looked at him blankly. "Um....what?"
He winked. "Keep the tip.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“Still, waking up this early was just wrong. “Why can’t people be reasonable and only die after eleven A.M.?” I whined.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“And that old “If you need anything, let me know,” is also a total crock. You hear people say it all the time, but then you never see anyone actually call up the person who said it and say, “Hey, remember when you said to let you know if I needed anything? Well, I’m feeling really overwhelmed. Could you please come clean my kitchen, because if I could have a clean kitchen, I’d feel like I had a bit of a head start.” You’ll never hear someone say that, because then the person asking the other person to clean their kitchen is seen as a helpless, incompetent dick.

What would be so much better would be for the person who spouted the useless “if you need anything just ask” platitude to fucking go over to the person’s house and clean their goddamn kitchen without being asked. Go over and say, “Hey, you go take care of your kid or your work, or go take a fucking nap. And when you get done, you’ll have a clean kitchen. And, no, you don’t owe me a goddamn thing. Someday the shoe will be on the other foot, okay?”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“But then again, I was about as far from touchy-feely as you could get. Unless you’re fucking me, don’t put your hands on me.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“Just because I'm insane doesn't mean I have to act all crazy.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“The over-weight and out of shape guy who owned the house had apparently decided that having a half-million dollar house meant that he couldn’t afford to hire someone to clean out his gutters. Now he was dead with what looked to me like a broken neck after the ladder had slipped. He’d taken the plunge into his fancy landscaping—complete with rock garden. But hey, his fucking gutters were clean.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“Look, I know this is the last thing you want to talk about, but I wanted to ask you . . . .” He trailed off, looking strangely uneasy.
“Ask me . . . ?” Ask me to dinner? Ask me out for drinks? Ask me if I wanted to see what he looked like under that uniform? Yow, where’d that last one come from?”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“Lying on the metal table in front of me was a middle-aged man decked out in absolutely nothing at all. A dead man. Buck-ass naked with his little shriveled junk right there for everyone to see.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“God-fucking-damn but he was seriously good-looking. “Have you ever had the stuffed pancakes here? They’re evil. I highly recommend them.”
“Heh. The cop is recommending evil,” I said. “Too funny.”
To my surprise, Ivanov chuckled. “You’ve discovered my dark side.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“So I told the lady Biology and high school were useless crap, I was going to get a job, and I was never coming back to school.
And I didn’t.
Yeah, I sure showed them.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“Three hours ago I was in bed, I thought miserably. I should have stayed there.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“Hey, look, I thought with a miserable laugh, this day just got worse.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“Zombie Super Powers, Activate!”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“What did the zombie say to the whore?
Keep the tip!”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“Hey,” I said before he could say anything else that would make the mood even weirder or break it entirely. “You wanna grab some coffee or something someday? I mean, some time when I’m not crawling with maggots,” I added with a laugh that sounded nervous to my own ears and probably sounded desperate and pathetic to his. I totally braced myself for him to hem and haw and say that he couldn’t or had a girlfriend or something. I was shocked instead when he gave me a nod.
“That sounds nice. And I’m cool with the no maggots thing too.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“The smell was like chocolate and cookies and biscuits and gravy and everything else that was delicious. It damn near drove me crazy every time I had to touch one. I’d been fighting the cravings the way I’d never fought the urge to take drugs or get drunk.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“Good morning!” my partner, Derrel, said in an insanely cheerful voice. “I need my Angel to come out and play.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“I’m pre-med,” he added smugly.
“Okay.” I said again. I didn’t shrug this time, but his jaw tightened a bit as if he was annoyed that I wasn’t displaying the proper amazement at his accomplishment.
“And I’m next in line to be promoted to death investigator.” The look he gave me was nothing short of a challenge, and I had to fight to not roll my eyes. What, he expected me to start crowing about my own accomplishments so he could top them? He’d be waiting a long time for that.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“The pudding lived up to its name. And nothing fell off that wasn't supposed to.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“I grabbed my napkin and managed to pretend to sneeze which had the added effect of covering up most of my face which was surely completely beet red with embarrassment at this point. Yeah, I was classy and suave like that. Jesus Christ, Angel, get a grip!”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“All of a sudden it seemed as if I could smell the brain, and not in a oh-how-gross way, but as if someone had taken the lid off a pot of gumbo to let the aroma fill the room. And I knew it was the brain that smelled so utterly enticing—knew it with every single cell of my being.
What the hell was wrong with me?”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“I was arguing with the paramedics after they got me into the ambulance, begging for something to eat because I was so damn hungry. Maybe that’s why I didn’t walk into the stupid white light. Maybe I knew they wouldn’t have anything to eat down that way.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“Unless you're fucking me, don't put your hands on me.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“Angel, I have no idea how you can stand this stench,” he said. “Derrel’s been doing this for long enough that I think he doesn’t have any smell receptors left, but you . . . ?” He grimaced as he snapped pictures of the skull and the injury while I held the body in position for him. “You are one tough chick.” Then his eyes crinkled, and even though he had the mask on, I could tell he was grinning at me. “Or maybe you’re seriously sick and twisted, in which case you are so in the right line of work.”
I laughed. “Gotta be the second one,” I said. “I’m not tough!”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“Yeah, so? I was ignorant, but I’m not a fucking moron. Why would I give the shit to you just so I could buy it back from you later?” I leaned back against the counter. “Hon, you’re fucking with the wrong chick. I’ve been around too many drug dealers to buy into a scheme like that.”
He shocked me by bursting out laughing. “Drug dealers? Well, that’s an interesting analogy.” He shook his head but a sardonic smile stayed on his face.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“As soon as he was gone I blew my breath out and leaned back against the wall. Awkward. First the cop who’d arrested me, then the paramedic who’d kept me from accidentally killing myself. I didn’t even want to think what a third thing might be.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“Whoa!” I jerked my hand up to stop him. “Wait, what?” I asked as sick horror shot through me. “You mean, like when the bodies get cut open?”
Delight lit his face. “Yes, you’ll be helping with the autopsies. You didn’t know that?”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“Welcome to death.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life As a White Trash Zombie

“That old if you 'need anything, let me know,' is a total crock. You hear people say it all the time, but you never see anyone actually call up the person who said it and say, "Hey, remember when you said to let you know if i needed anything? Well, I'm feeling really overwhelmed. Could you please come clean my kitchen, I'd feel like I had a bit of a head start." You will never hear someone say that, because then the person asking the other person to clean their kitchen is seen as a helpless, incompetent dick. -Diana Rowland (My life as a white trash zombie)”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie

“I walked into the café, bypassing the waiting people as I scanned for the hulking figure of my partner. It’s official , I thought with a sigh as I spied him at a table for four and realized who else was with him. God hates me.”
― Diana Rowland, My Life as a White Trash Zombie