This is a Book Quotes

“100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.”
― Demetri Martin, This is a Book

“A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.”
― Demetri Martin, This is a Book

“THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.”
― Demetri Martin, This is a Book

“It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!”
― Demetri Martin, This is a Book

“REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.”
― Demetri Martin, This is a Book

“Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.”
― Demetri Martin, This is a Book

“Words have power,
you dumb piece of shit.”
― Demetri Martin, This is a Book

“Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?”
― Demetri Martin, This is a Book

“I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.”
― Demetri Martin, This is a Book

“Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.”
― Demetri Martin, This is a Book

“Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.”
― Demetri Martin, This is a Book

“The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).”
― Demetri Martin, This is a Book

“Every cloud has a silver lining. Right. Okay. And, tell me again how a silver lining helps me?”
― Demetri Martin, This is a Book

“THE ZERO SUM GAME: I have found that people whose hair is teased do not like brainteasers. By the same token, people who like brainteasers do not have teased hair. It’s clear that the human cranium cannot sustain both.”
― Demetri Martin, This Is a Book

“Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.”
― Demetri Martin, This Is a Book

“Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.”
― Demetri Martin, This is a Book

“Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?”
― Demetri Martin, This is a Book

“Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is a space between them.”
― Demetri Martin, This Is a Book

“I am someone who likes to go to the park. But I am not the guy with the Labrador retriever and tennis ball and the tattered book under his arm, who is wearing fleece and is kind of tan. No. I am not that guy. I am sick of that guy and all of the women who talk to him. I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long. I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus. I am the sun. I am the moon. I am the rain. I am the Earth. I am these things when I’m taking mushrooms with Kevin. I am good friends with Kevin. I am not sure what Kevin’s last name is. I am sometimes referred to as “Ex-CUSE me” in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am SO sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there’s nothing you can do about it. I am the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or ever can be. I am confused.”
― Demetri Martin, This is a Book

“You are 10 times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.”
― Demetri Martin, This is a Book

“If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make him scream a lot.”
― Demetri Martin, This is a Book

“In a blind taste test, 100% of the people tested preferred the taste of things that were not just shoved into their mouth by surprise without any warning.”
― Demetri Martin, This Is a Book