Great Listener Seeks Mute Women Quotes

“Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world.”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

“Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

“Even a fool recognizes that there is great sadness in a bucket of tears. But only a wise man thinks to conserve water and use that bucket to wash his car.”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

“In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench.”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

“Everything I’ve ever done, ever thought, ever experienced, and ever felt, has led me up to this moment in my life. And after accumulating and culminating it, all I can say is, “Ahhhhh!”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

“Sometimes I sit for hours just thinking, wondering what the man upstairs is trying to tell me. Yesterday I reached the conclusion that he was saying, “Get me a slinky.”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

“I’d love to create a personal profile on a dating site with a headline that reads, “Great Listener Seeks Mute Woman.”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

“My birthday is on a holiday. I just have to wait until I die and they commemorate me.”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

“If I ever go to China, I’m going to find a piano and play “Chopsticks”--only not with my fingers, but rather I’ll be using two forks.”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

“Nothing in this world feels quite like freedom, except for freedom. And nothing in the world tastes quite like freedom, except for fried bald eagles.”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

“I don’t think anybody’s ever written a song called, “There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower.” I would write it myself, but I’ve never been very good at writing love ballads.”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

“The easiest way to get from point A to point B is with a vehicle that runs on alphabet soup.”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

“A one dollar bill, though it weighs less than 99 pennies, is psychologically heavier.”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

“If my name were Mememem, and I had just ran into someone who should have known my name but couldn’t recall it, I’d probably say, “I can’t believe you don’t remememember my name.”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

“I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long way towards relieving my wedgie.”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

“I think the two greatest inventions in the history of mankind are the remote control and the fingernail clipper. Now, if someone could just combine those two, I’d be very eager to clip my nails from across the room.”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

“As we were walking home the other night, Orafoura turned to me and said, “Were you aware that there are places in the universe where time doesn’t exist?”
“I know,” I replied. “That’s where I went to buy my last watch.”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

“I never got to call myself a door-to-door salesman, because, regrettably, I only ever went to one door. But one day I just might knock on another door, to be able to proudly say that I was once a door-to-door salesman.”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

“I didn’t write this piece to attract a potential mate, as the title might lead a reader to believe. That said, I like long walks on the beach, cuddling by the fire, and watching silent movies at full volume and then screaming into the phone when anybody calls. If interested, please send a brief e-mail to jarodkintz@jarodkintz.com telling a little about yourself, and why you think I’m perfect for you.”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women