It Occurred to Me Quotes

“I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“A banker is a man who will lend you the short sleeve shirt off his back and demand a long sleeve one in return.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I'm also going to memorize his first name.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I'd respond in a raspy voice, "Your brother ran over my brother.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I'd throw it off a cliff.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I'm so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and I think I'm finally ready to enter into organized crime.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I hate when I'm at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, "Paper or plastic?" It's offensive. As if I'm going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick up line.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I wanted to write something that made no linear sense. None. Zero. Something that was 87% pure nonsense, 12% pure alcohol, and 3% orange juice, for a chaser. That formula is accurate, give or take 2% for the milk. In my experience, comedy is 2/3rds tragedy, and one third 33.3 percent. And tragedy started at birth, so humor involving babies is probably the funniest. But even though I didn’t write anything about babies, you might laugh so hard that you’ll regret not wearing a diaper while reading.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me