Immortal Quotes

“I was suicidal for two solid centuries once. That was during the early part of what they now call the Dark Ages, in medieval Europe. Suicidal tendencies were de rigueur at the time, and I’m nothing if not trendy.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“Impending death makes one run faster. I think that's probably why they fire a gun before track meets.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“(As a side note: I thought money was a bad idea way back when it was first invented. I remember the moment very clearly. This guy owed me a sheep, but instead of giving me an actual sheep he gave me five coins he said were worth the same as a sheep. "But I can't eat round pieces of metal, asshole," were my exact words.)”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“New York is the one place in the world that actively encourages rudeness, because that's the only way to get past the fake bag carriers, homeless people, newspaper thieves, Jesus freaks, and everyone else who wants something and isn't afraid to ask for it, repeatedly, at close range.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“[T]he truth is the percentage of vampires that are also evil killers is about the same as the percentage of normal people who are also evil killers.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“I'm a pretty sad example of what one should do with eternal life. I've never reached any higher level of consciousness, I don't have access to any great truths, and I've never borne witness to the divine or transcendent. Some of this is just bad luck. Like working in the fishing industry in Galilee and never once running into Jesus.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“Are you trying to talk me out of going?” “I am trying to figure out who you really are.” “Same man I was last night.” “Last night you smelled like turnips. Tonight you smell of leather and mystery.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“Kings associate themselves with one god or another, sometimes Re, but generally Osiris or his father Horus.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“A word about breasts. I have gazed at, held, touched, squeezed, tugged on, licked, or otherwise fondled a lot of them in my lifetime, and I am no closer now to understanding their appeal than I ever was. One might think I’d have grown tired of them after all that time, but these elegant curves still hold more fascination for me than the entire Alexandrian Library ever did.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“Pixies, the first communists.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“I used to face charging lions in the Serengeti with nothing more than a stone axe and a loincloth. People today disappoint me.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“Pretty much everyone took over the world at least once back in the day. I even thought about it a couple of times.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“Silly. Moon for you?” “No, the moon is for everyone,” I said. “Tree is for everyone.” Pixies, the first communists.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“(You never really appreciate women until you’ve tried pleasing another man. Just trust me.)”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“if you want to know what I’ve learned in my extended time on Earth it is this: beer is good.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“If you’re thinking they were acting terribly nonchalant about discovering a stranger behind the living room couch, you’ve never been to a collegiate keg party.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“Like just about everything else conjured up in the past century, the underground subway system of the modern city is an unfathomable engineering miracle covered in several inches of filth, urine, and spray paint. Despite being a certified member of the human race, I'll never fully understand why miracles of this magnitude are treated so casually.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“[W]e took turns removing each other's underwear and I thanked God for twenty-first century clothing. Until you've attempted to undress a Victorian era noblewoman, you can't possibly understand how wonderful a simple pair of cotton briefs is.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“So, what do I call you?" I asked.

"Whomp."

"Whomp? Your given name?"

"It's the sound people make when I hit them in the chest.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“The biblical Goliath was also a demon, which should tell you plenty about the accuracy of that little story, because it'd take a hell of a lot more than a stupid slingshot to take out a demon. (David actually lured Goliath under a cliff face and had some friends drop a big rock on him.)”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“[D]espite the patina of civility coating most of modern society, underneath it is a thick layer of savagery.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“The advent of civilization--an overly optimistic word--didn't change things as much as one might think, because no matter how large a city or empire became there was always another "them" to go out and kill. And when organized religion really got going... well, there's a fantastic excuse to murder people in bunches.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“I may have seemed like things quieted down a bit once we all figured out how to farm, because farming begets society and society develops laws, and laws enforce peace in the interest of the greater good. But society is just another kind of tribe and it eventually bumps into a larger one, and there's more violence, only then it's called war.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“We just met and we're already doing heroin?" I said. "Seems sudden.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“If there's one thing I know, it's that the minute someone feels obligated to tell you not to be afraid of them, that's the time to start being afraid of them.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“Between you and me, Plato was a hack. All that crap about higher forms and caves? He was drunk when he wrote it. I know. I was there.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“(Most jobs I've had have been variations on hunter-gatherer and farmer. I was one of the first to say "Hey, if we grow our own food, we won't have to hunt it down all the time." Mostly, I was just tired of moving around constantly, but you have to admit it was a pretty good idea.)”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“The dragon roared. Terrible sound, that. Made my testicles shrink.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“A point about vampires. They can and do have sex. I've tried it. It's not bad. A little cold, a little dry... it's kind of like screwing a very lively statue.”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal

“(A note: succubi are notorious amateur psychologists and have been since well before Freud. In fact I have it on good authority that Freud stole his whole gig from a particularly talkative succubus he used to know. And if you don't believe Freud knew a succubus, you haven't read Freud.)”
― Gene Doucette, Immortal