Fun With Dick and Shane Quotes

“I'm so bored I could do something, but can't be arsed. I'm unmotivated as well as bored. It's a killer combination.”
― Gillibran Brown, Fun With Dick and Shane

“I think the official name for such activity is procrastination by chocolate hobnobs. Successful authors are the type who type and who do not indulge in hobnobbing on the couch.”
― Gillibran Brown, Fun With Dick and Shane

“I glared at him. “You didn't leave me alone for five minutes, you left me alone for a week. I could have hacked myself to pieces if there's been more than one mango in the house. You could have come home to a very gory scene. The press would have had a field day ... Gay Houseboy In Mango Tragedy. Bears arrested for leaving cub unattended for seven, almost eight whole days with an armed and dangerous killer mango roaming loose about the house.”
“I'd mercifully forgotten just how much of a loquacious tripe peddler you can be,” Shane took me by the shoulders and kissed me on the lips...”
― Gillibran Brown, Fun With Dick and Shane

“If rumours are true a snail’s sex organs are located on the back of its head, how about that eh? It gives a whole new meaning to having your brains fucked out, no wonder their eyes are out on stalks.”
― Gillibran Brown, Fun With Dick and Shane

“As individuals, we are all just a life in a day of Wednesday.”
― Gillibran Brown, Fun With Dick and Shane

“I guess that's where faith comes in, the faith of a child to believe in Santa, the faith of an adult to believe in God, maybe faith is what makes something real? Maybe Rose had believed enough to create her own afterlife, maybe that's the reward of faith...”
― Gillibran Brown, Fun With Dick and Shane

“When I was done raking and bagging, I banged on the door and demanded entry /...let me in by the hair on your chinny, chin-chin/ (a fairytale moment there) Dick opened it and in his posthest voice, said that before he could possibly consider letting me re-cross the threshold he needed to ask me whether I was a good f*cking fairy or a bad f*cking fairy? Grinning, I told him that I was very wicked fairy and if he had a wand about his person that I could have lend of, I would prove it. He said that was the right answer and promptly yanked me inside where he located and presented me with his wand, breathily ordering the sorcerer's apprentice to perform magic with it. Judging by the look on his face afterwards, I knew I'd impressed him with my oral sorcery and I was more than happy with the short-lifting sorcery Shane performed on me as the same time.”
― Gillibran Brown, Fun With Dick and Shane

“I've never sexually molested a gastropod.”
― Gillibran Brown, Fun With Dick and Shane

“Dick is playing golf today. He asked if I would caddie for him, but I said I would prefer to have a complete stranger walk up and drill holes in my head with a Black & Decker.”
― Gillibran Brown, Fun With Dick and Shane

“Shane's orgasmic contribution was an innovative and masterful variation on the theme of oh:

“Oh...Oh...oh...oh...oh...oh...oh...oh...AH!”

Stretching the waistband of my boxers I addressed the man downstairs, “make a note Mr Brown. Buy Dick and Shane a copy of The Penguin Anthology Of Orgasmic Utterances for Christmas: surprise and delight your partner, fuck buddies and neighbours with your sparkling and witty climactic repartee, you''l have them cumming back for more.”
― Gillibran Brown, Fun With Dick and Shane

“They don’t even visit the dying
anymore. Their argument being that if someone is dying, there’s no
point interrupting a good game of golf, and they’d best just get on with
dying. However, they do give you a helpline number for an
organisation called ‘Dying To Help You Out.’ A volunteer talks you
through the process of dying alone without medical attention: “feeling
a bit chilled are you, love, don’t fret, it’s just your lifeblood
congealing in your veins, you’ll be gone any second now, hang on pet,
I’ve got a corpse on line nine, if I don’t get back before you peg it,
have a nice afterlife,” and then they bugger of leaving you with
Robbie Williams singing Angels.”
― Gillibran Brown, Fun With Dick and Shane

“The Jesus Factor it’s called, instant resurrection and a second cumming.”
― Gillibran Brown, Fun With Dick and Shane

“Has something happened to upset you today?”
“Yeah, I had an argument with a vacuum cleaner hose, it wanted me to it a blowjob, but I refused so it took offence. It claimed I blew everyone else's attachment and it wasn't fair.”
― Gillibran Brown, Fun With Dick and Shane

“I bet when Winston Churchill was writing his memoirs he didn’t keep getting interrupted by two blokes bawling that the ties they took off the night before had mysteriously disappeared, and demanding I find them, seeing as I was the one last seen tied up with them.”
― Gillibran Brown, Fun with Dick and Shane

“so I just sat there and let her think I was who she wanted me to be. She went back to sleep holding my hand.”
― Gillibran Brown, Fun with Dick and Shane

“Bedsprings creaking, headboard banging, heavy breathing in triplicate (the bedroom sounds like a convention of asthmatic dirty phone callers have gathered there)”
― Gillibran Brown, Fun With Dick and Shane