10 Days to a Less Defiant Child Quotes

“Your child acts this way because she doesn’t know how else to handle her difficult thoughts and feelings.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Your children need to learn that you will do your best to meet each of their unique needs, but this does not mean that everything will be equal between them.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“empathy is the emotional glue that holds relationships together.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Keep in mind that having the self-discipline to manage your own emotions is key in helping your child to manage his feelings, as well.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“you have been a parent who tends to punish your child, then you probably viewed it as making him “pay” for his mistakes. By now, you have realized that your child’s problem behaviors stem from emotional immaturity and a limited ability to cope. So making your child “pay” for acting out and wrongdoings is not really fair. Remember, your child did not choose to be born with emotional immaturity and inflexibility.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Involve children as much as possible in making family rules.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Eliot decided that Peter needed some consequences. He stayed calm, firm, and noncontrolling as he told Peter that breaking his brother’s game was unacceptable. Eliot informed Peter that he would lose his video game privilege for a week. When Peter protested, Eliot asked him if he was willing to take some other actions to help reduce the time of lost video game time. Peter agreed to apologize to his brother, pay for his brother’s broken game to be replaced, and empty the garbage in the house for a week in addition to his usual chore of emptying the dishwasher. Eliot was still making Peter pay the consequences for his actions, but by being flexible and negotiating the consequences, Eliot taught Peter some important social skills. Remember that discipline is about teaching.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“I understand that you want new sneakers this weekend. Yes, you have the right to your opinion that you should have them. At the same time, I am not willing to spend the money right now. But I am willing to talk about some kind of compromise, if you’re interested.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“your child does not regret or even acknowledge his actions, he will direct his anger at the one who inflicts the consequences or, as he sees it, punishment—you.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“I have seen countless parents over the years give consequences without stopping to learn why their children’s problematic behavior occurred in the first place. You must understand why your child is acting the way she is in order to give effective consequences for her misbehavior.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“A perfect example of this is when your defiant child says something like “You make me angry!” as if you have control over how he feels. The reality is that people can’t make you feel anything. It’s the way you perceive people’s actions that causes you to feel what you feel.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“When parents insist that rewards don’t work to encourage positive reinforcement in their defiant children, I ask if they are using rewards to stop inappropriate behavior rather than to encourage appropriate behavior.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Teach your child to say respectfully, “No, I would not like to do the dishes, but I will sweep the floors and vacuum the rug.” This creates an atmosphere of cooperation and support.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Using these words repetitively (like a broken record), in a calm, firm, and noncontrolling manner will serve to de-escalate the situation without allowing your child to draw you into the power struggle. If “I understand; however . . .” is still met with resistance from your child, try saying, “We each see this differently, so let’s talk calmly to better understand one another.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“After you’ve verbalized your concerns in a calm, firm, and noncontrolling manner, don’t get hung up on trying to get immediate compliance or a positive response from your child. Plant the seed and then let it germinate. This is a great way for you to practice not being attached to getting immediate results.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Al-Anon, an organization providing support to family members of alcoholics, uses the slogan, “Say what you mean but don’t say it meanly.” I love it because it so aptly applies to parenting defiant children.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Al and Robin both had to unlearn their intense need to defend themselves. In each case, they realized that their defiant children had used antics to push their parents’ buttons and gain power. Both of these parents learned that they did not have to defend themselves or try to convince their children that they were right. By avoiding emotional power struggles, they did not lower themselves to the emotional level of their defiant children. The most important lesson to learn from these parents’ stories is that they gained control by giving it up.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“My goal was to help Robin be genuine in responding to Sylvia but also to prevent the escalation of a power struggle. I suggested for future situations that Robin take a few deep breaths and then calmly yet firmly say something to Sylvia such as the following: “Sylvia, please don’t talk to me this way. In the past, I’d have yelled at you but I am not going to now because it won’t help either of us. I am asking you not to wear those jeans, but if you do I won’t try to stop you. Just know that I think they detract from how attractive you are.” Sure enough, the dirty jeans issue resurfaced about a month later and Robin responded to Sylvia in a manner similar to that above. Initially, Sylvia just stared blankly at Robin and then she stormed out of the room. What happened next was a huge breakthrough. Robin walked into the living room and saw Sylvia sobbing. Sylvia shared with her mother that she thought she looked “fat and ugly” in everything she wore except those jeans.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“As you learn not to get sucked in to power struggles, your child will feel more unconditional love from you. The challenge for you as a parent is to maintain your integrity and parental values while not getting caught up in the power struggles.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Power struggles are almost never about the issue that you’re fighting over. They generally occur because your child (and very likely you) is feeling powerless and wants to feel more in control. A power struggle is really about your defiant child (and again, quite possibly you) trying to compensate for her feelings of inadequacy.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“I can’t stress enough that your goal is not only to manage your defiant child’s negative feelings but also your own. If you focus first on the incorrect answers and become angry, when the child returns to her work she will likely be more involved in dealing with the loss of your parental approval than finishing the task.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Avoid words and phrases such as “always,” “never,” and “all the time.” As you learned on Day 2 in the section on toxic thoughts, these words are rigid and unfair, and they foster negative feelings and defensiveness.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“For example, say, “I notice that you did not pick up your shirt,” as opposed to, “You keep leaving your shirt on the floor.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“The more you view your child’s defiant behaviors as the smaller picture, and at the same time create and focus on the big picture of his goodness as a fellow human being, the less threatened you will feel and the less likely you will be to yell.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“In his book The Four Agreements, Miguel Ruiz writes, “Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. . . .” This is valuable wisdom to keep in mind. If you stop and think about it, most of the time when you yell at your defiant child, it’s because you are taking her behaviors too personally.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Please help me understand why you seem upset.” Just that simple question helped Ken remember to listen to rather than lecture his son. Even if Troy did not give Ken an immediate answer, Ken realized that by asking this question he left the door open for Troy to share this thoughts and feelings later on.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Saying “I can see you are really frustrated right now,” helps him label his intense emotion and talk about it rather than act it out with defiant behavior. Avoid saying things like, “You should not feel frustrated.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Coach mode helps to release you, and your ego, from feeling locked in the role of hurt, disappointed, or stuck parent. Taking on a coaching mentality means staying calm to rationally guide and encourage your child.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior

“Yelling gives parents a fast and powerful way to get heard—maybe not listened to, but at least heard.”
― Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior