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10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior
Occasional clashes between parents and children are not uncommon, but when defiant behavior — such as tantrums, resistance to chores, and negativity — becomes chronic, it can cause big problems within the family. In 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, child and family psychologist Dr. Jeff Bernstein has developed a ground-breaking 10-day program to help parents gain back control over their defiant child or teen. This powerful and exceptionally reader-friendly guide explains what causes defiance in kids, why it's so destructive to the family, and shows parents step-by-step how they can end the behavior. Simple-to-follow and extremely effective, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child will bring much-needed relief to the millions of frustrated parents out there living with defiant children.
304 pages, Paperback
First published May 18, 2006
327 people are currently reading
572 people want to read
About the author
Jeffrey Bernstein
10 books10 followersJeffrey Bernstein, PhD, is a psychologist with over thirty years' experience specializing in child, adolescent, couples, and family therapy.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 71 reviews
July 14, 2015
Ignore the title. This really is the best parenting book I've ever read. All kids are defiant sometimes and this book is aimed at handling some really challenging behaviors, but my daughter who is not nearly so challenging really benefited from me learning these skills. Oh yeah, I said me learning them. Your kid doesn't have to do a thing. You learn new skills and it falls into place. Amazing stuff.
June 17, 2016
Okay, so it's more like "9 Months to finish reading the Less Defiant Child book" but, hey, it's a lot to take in!
ALL of those tabs I feel are important to review over and over again - but the basic gist is that when we react a certain way, we cause our kids to act defiantly by essentially shutting them down. The book made a lot of sense, lots of good ideas, now just to put into practice and stick with it! Contained lots of good, workable solutions to dealing with difficult/defiant children.
ALL of those tabs I feel are important to review over and over again - but the basic gist is that when we react a certain way, we cause our kids to act defiantly by essentially shutting them down. The book made a lot of sense, lots of good ideas, now just to put into practice and stick with it! Contained lots of good, workable solutions to dealing with difficult/defiant children.
May 25, 2021
Gentle, hopeful, and applicable to all children while speaking directly to the particular difficulties of dealing with defiance (for example “you’ve probably noticed that trying to give a consequence only makes the problem worse.”) So it’s also very validating. But most importantly, it is already having a positive effect.
March 20, 2025
Well organized book that outlines clear and practical strategies for dealing with difficult children of all ages. This book lays out ways to not only transform your child's behavior, but also how to help yourself in the way you engage with and react to your child's behavior.
March 20, 2017
Solid advice and good, practical strategies. A lot of what he talks about (e.g. avoiding power struggles) I was already familiar with, but he helped frame it all in the big picture. What I like most is his advocacy for changing the parenting mind set. I also found the chapter on discipline more helpful and practical than other sources on the subject (like "dare not to discipline"). It didn't cover sibling issues very much--I definitely need a good resource on that next.
February 17, 2023
This book is more like coaching for parents with ODD kids and it’s is very necessary! It helped give me perspective and the ability to think through my reactions, bc let’s face it, ODD kids are masters at getting you to react. I definitely recommend this a stepping stone for parents trying to navigate a defiant kid.
September 18, 2012
My one thought as I read this book: there's nothing like reading a parenting book to show you just how inept of a human being you really are.
Overall, I liked this book, in some respects I feel as if it was simply a nice glossy overview of what to do. But, with that said, I do think it would be a good idea for EVERY parent to read the chapter on positive reinforcement and the chapter on dependable discipline. I got more applicable knowledge in those two chapters than the entire rest of the book. I would recommend this book, but I do feel as if I need to read more books to get a full picture of what I can do better SPECIFICALLY. Or maybe I really AM just that inept.
Overall, I liked this book, in some respects I feel as if it was simply a nice glossy overview of what to do. But, with that said, I do think it would be a good idea for EVERY parent to read the chapter on positive reinforcement and the chapter on dependable discipline. I got more applicable knowledge in those two chapters than the entire rest of the book. I would recommend this book, but I do feel as if I need to read more books to get a full picture of what I can do better SPECIFICALLY. Or maybe I really AM just that inept.
May 1, 2018
I am a mental health clinician and I read this in order to see if this would be a helpful book for my clients that have children would have ODD or ODD symptoms OR to gain any insight for my ODD clients. I thought that this book was really well organized, has good suggestions, and explains behavior patterns well. My main hangup is that it is unrealistic to expect drastic change in just 10 days. However, I found this book very approachable and it seems like it could be a good tool for parents.
February 4, 2015
Good ideas... but it sure didn't cure anything in 10 days! It's going to take a long time to see change.
May 25, 2015
Never quite gets there. The author says he has numerous great ideas to parent defiance, but never actually shares with you what they are.
March 9, 2020
I get it already. Be calm, firm, and non-controlling. I borrowed “10 Days to a Less Defiant Child” from the library to help me with my youngest daughter, but the more I read the more I realized that I was as much the problem as she was.
Fair enough.
This wasn’t my first child psychology book, either. I read “The Five Live Languages of Children” about a year ago. Honestly, it’s not that my children are particularly bad, it’s just that in the mad rush to balance family, career, and everything else I tend to need a refresher course every once in a while.
So what did I learn?
Well, I need to listen to my kids as if everything they say is worthy of a podium and audience. As a parent it is my responsibility to be empathetic to their problems and concerns, too, else a misunderstanding can lead to unwarranted or overly harsh punishment.
I shouldn’t dwell on past mistakes or bring them up in conversation with or punishment of my kids.
When punishing or reprimanding my kids I’m to say it once, firmly. ( “Sit, dog sit!!, right? )
I need to be less reactive. Rather than “shoot from the hip” I need to calm down and understand the situation before passing judgement.
I need to pick my battles. Rather than thinking of power struggles with my kids as a “victor takes all” more often than naught it might actually make more sense just to walk away altogether.
I need to realize that my kids are not me. They are independent, intelligent, little people that have their own emotions and reasonings.
When my kids handle a situation in a calm, firm, and understanding manner ( per the book ) I need to hug them and acknowledge that they did the right thing.
The most important thing I learned, however, is that it can be a whole lot worse. Some of the author’s patient stories were a true eye opener. My kids, in comparison, are angels.
Maybe I didn’t need to read the book after all?
Fair enough.
This wasn’t my first child psychology book, either. I read “The Five Live Languages of Children” about a year ago. Honestly, it’s not that my children are particularly bad, it’s just that in the mad rush to balance family, career, and everything else I tend to need a refresher course every once in a while.
So what did I learn?
Well, I need to listen to my kids as if everything they say is worthy of a podium and audience. As a parent it is my responsibility to be empathetic to their problems and concerns, too, else a misunderstanding can lead to unwarranted or overly harsh punishment.
I shouldn’t dwell on past mistakes or bring them up in conversation with or punishment of my kids.
When punishing or reprimanding my kids I’m to say it once, firmly. ( “Sit, dog sit!!, right? )
I need to be less reactive. Rather than “shoot from the hip” I need to calm down and understand the situation before passing judgement.
I need to pick my battles. Rather than thinking of power struggles with my kids as a “victor takes all” more often than naught it might actually make more sense just to walk away altogether.
I need to realize that my kids are not me. They are independent, intelligent, little people that have their own emotions and reasonings.
When my kids handle a situation in a calm, firm, and understanding manner ( per the book ) I need to hug them and acknowledge that they did the right thing.
The most important thing I learned, however, is that it can be a whole lot worse. Some of the author’s patient stories were a true eye opener. My kids, in comparison, are angels.
Maybe I didn’t need to read the book after all?
April 5, 2025
Bu kitabı tek kelimeyle özetlemek gerekirse "sabır" yeterli olacaktır.
Eğer üç kelimeyle özetle deseler "sabır, sevgi ve anlayış".
Eğer rahat ol, 1000 karaktere kadar anlatabilirsin dediklerinde ise, kapağına aldanıp sadece çocuk yetişritirken "zor"luklarla karşılaşıldıgında alınıp okunması gerken bir kitap değil
henuz ebeveyn olmayan ama olmak isteyen/ olmak üzere olan / henüz olmuş anne-babaların da büyük fayda göreceği bir kitap.
Hatta cocuk sahibi olmayan/olmayı da düşünmeyen ama etrafında bir sürü çocuklu tip olup onların tuhaflıklarını anlamakta zorlanan kişiler de bu kitabı okurlarsa karşılaştığı durumları daha kolay anlamlandırabilirler.
Hepimiz bir zamanlar çocuk olsak da yıllar geçtikçe ve sistemin bize dayatmasıyla çocuk olmayı unutuyoruz, ve simdi çocuk denen varlıklaı anlamak icin bu kitap iy ibir fırsat.
Özellikle 1. ve 3. bölümleri sanki direkt beni düşünrerek yazmış adam.
(Kitapta sıklıkla olayları kişisel algılamamaktan da bahsediliyor :)
"Sakin ve kararlı olun ama kontrol edici olmayın.
Düşüncelerinizi söyleyebilirsiniz ama kırmadan.
Çocuk söyleneni değil gösterileni yapar, örnek ol!
Sen kendini iyi hissedersen o da kendini o kadar iyi hisseder.
Her insan ve tabi her çocuk biriciktir, kıyaslamayı bırak ve unutma ki
Bir çocuk inşa etmek, bir adamı tamir etmekdan daha kolay ve keyiflidir"
Eğer üç kelimeyle özetle deseler "sabır, sevgi ve anlayış".
Eğer rahat ol, 1000 karaktere kadar anlatabilirsin dediklerinde ise, kapağına aldanıp sadece çocuk yetişritirken "zor"luklarla karşılaşıldıgında alınıp okunması gerken bir kitap değil
henuz ebeveyn olmayan ama olmak isteyen/ olmak üzere olan / henüz olmuş anne-babaların da büyük fayda göreceği bir kitap.
Hatta cocuk sahibi olmayan/olmayı da düşünmeyen ama etrafında bir sürü çocuklu tip olup onların tuhaflıklarını anlamakta zorlanan kişiler de bu kitabı okurlarsa karşılaştığı durumları daha kolay anlamlandırabilirler.
Hepimiz bir zamanlar çocuk olsak da yıllar geçtikçe ve sistemin bize dayatmasıyla çocuk olmayı unutuyoruz, ve simdi çocuk denen varlıklaı anlamak icin bu kitap iy ibir fırsat.
Özellikle 1. ve 3. bölümleri sanki direkt beni düşünrerek yazmış adam.
(Kitapta sıklıkla olayları kişisel algılamamaktan da bahsediliyor :)
"Sakin ve kararlı olun ama kontrol edici olmayın.
Düşüncelerinizi söyleyebilirsiniz ama kırmadan.
Çocuk söyleneni değil gösterileni yapar, örnek ol!
Sen kendini iyi hissedersen o da kendini o kadar iyi hisseder.
Her insan ve tabi her çocuk biriciktir, kıyaslamayı bırak ve unutma ki
Bir çocuk inşa etmek, bir adamı tamir etmekdan daha kolay ve keyiflidir"
September 13, 2020
The first parenting book I've read and I picked a winner. The strategies and methods focus on changing the parenting style and working towards a more loving, respectful relationship between parent and child. The advice given can work for all parents no matter if they have a defiant child or not. The emphasis is love and the parent using a calm, firm, noncontrolling approach to communicate and understand their child. Parents are emotion coaches for their child and need to model acceptable behavior and how to best cope with struggles. The first 6 chapters are the methods and strategies to a less defiant child. Chapter 7 is realizing that discipline is training your child (not punishment) and you've been learning how to do that in the past chapters. Chapter 8 is establishing a cooperative relationship with your child's school concerning his behavior. Chapter 9 focuses on mental health conditions that may cause defiance. And then chapter 10 is using these strategies long term.
I appreciated learning that to help my defiant child, I need to change my parenting habits. I can't fight fire with fire. Raising a child is not a power battle consumed with victory. Parenting is a journey and my child and I work together.
I appreciated learning that to help my defiant child, I need to change my parenting habits. I can't fight fire with fire. Raising a child is not a power battle consumed with victory. Parenting is a journey and my child and I work together.
May 25, 2022
The goal of this book is to read one chapter per day and then practice that. Needless to say, as a working and busy parent, this was just not feasible. I read what I could and started practicing each of the days. I will say that I'm thankful for the call outs on what isn't helping a child as well as reminding myself that I'm also doing some pretty amazing things as a parent. Things that I've noticed is that I'm hardly ever yelling and it feels like a weight has been lifted, almost just relief at not letting myself get so worked up about things. I definitely still find myself frustrated, but I don't hold on to it like I used to.
Still working on trying to get my challenging child to have conversations instead of extreme reactions, understanding other's perspectives, and finding a middle ground on expectations. Definitely taking baby steps, but each baby step is a step forward. I do wish that Bernstein shared more on the more challenging stories that were successful in the long run, because it's always helpful to know that I'm not alone.
I am walking away with many positives and improvements for myself and my family.
Still working on trying to get my challenging child to have conversations instead of extreme reactions, understanding other's perspectives, and finding a middle ground on expectations. Definitely taking baby steps, but each baby step is a step forward. I do wish that Bernstein shared more on the more challenging stories that were successful in the long run, because it's always helpful to know that I'm not alone.
I am walking away with many positives and improvements for myself and my family.
June 19, 2022
Worked for us
Reviewing parenting books is tricky because what works for one family may not work for another. But this book was exactly what we needed! I've shared with friends that this isn't a book for kids who are defiant as is normal for their age, but rather the Defiant Child, the child who is defiant by personality type. I've read so many parenting books and felt like I was doing everything right without achieving positive results in reality, and at this point I'm convinced that while the things I've done up to this point would have worked on a different child, none of these things have worked with my child because of who he is. Making some fundamental, foundational changes based on the advice of this book has very quickly shown effective results. I also like that this book contains advice for children from toddlerhood through teens, that the advice is so universal and basic for this type of child that it is easily adjusted through all their developmental phases!
Reviewing parenting books is tricky because what works for one family may not work for another. But this book was exactly what we needed! I've shared with friends that this isn't a book for kids who are defiant as is normal for their age, but rather the Defiant Child, the child who is defiant by personality type. I've read so many parenting books and felt like I was doing everything right without achieving positive results in reality, and at this point I'm convinced that while the things I've done up to this point would have worked on a different child, none of these things have worked with my child because of who he is. Making some fundamental, foundational changes based on the advice of this book has very quickly shown effective results. I also like that this book contains advice for children from toddlerhood through teens, that the advice is so universal and basic for this type of child that it is easily adjusted through all their developmental phases!
June 26, 2018
There are definitely some good tips in this book in how to deal with children in general, and particularly those who are more defiant and spirited in nature. The book gets quite lengthy, and so I succumbed to the temptation of skimming over more of the back section, which gave examples and dialogues. I found the most useful parts to be in the exhortation to mirror the child and his/her emotions, and get behind what is exactly making them defiant or rebellious in situations. Often, as the author points out, it is just the fact that they do not feel themselves to be heard or understood, and that parents / teachers are not mirroring and acknowledging their current emotional state.
Overall, a good read for any parent.
Overall, a good read for any parent.
May 2, 2018
This book is an excellent parenting book. I wouldn't describe my children as being overly or uniquely defiant, yet I gained some much insight into how to become a more effective parent. And I must say, the techniques describe in this book work.
All children display defiant behavior at some point. So, even if you don't describe your child as defiant, there's something to gain from this tremendous book in helping your child mature emotionally and deal with the stresses that life brings their way.
I can't recommend this enough for every parent.
All children display defiant behavior at some point. So, even if you don't describe your child as defiant, there's something to gain from this tremendous book in helping your child mature emotionally and deal with the stresses that life brings their way.
I can't recommend this enough for every parent.
August 22, 2021
As a parent to two children who I wouldn’t quite call defiant, but are definitely intense and strong-willed, I found this book extremely helpful. The author thinks pretty highly of himself and his program, which leads to some writing that’s a bit annoying to read (the examples often made me roll my eyes) BUT the content is still great and the strategies have been helping me immensely. I read the book over about a 2 week period and will definitely refer back to it regularly. A good read for ANY parent!
July 2, 2024
At times it feels like I have a defiant teenager (maybe all teenagers like to defy their parents?). But as I began to read it seems like this child does not fit the criteria for ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). To be Categorized as ODD a child must do things like talk back , refuse to do chores, use bad language, and say things like "you can't make me do that" every day for 6 months.
Once I found out my child was not ODD this book did not apply. But good luck to those for turning things around in 10 days.
3 stars.
Once I found out my child was not ODD this book did not apply. But good luck to those for turning things around in 10 days.
3 stars.
December 20, 2022
Highly recommended by our pediatrician as a fabulous parenting book for all kids (not just those labeled as "defiant") - did not hit home for us (maybe because we don't find either of our children particularly "defiant"?). Very repetitive without much tangible advice. While I appreciated chapter six "Discipline without Desperation", this didn't provide many new suggestions for our family as we already share many of the author's perspectives.
August 12, 2017
This is the best parenting book I've ever read, and I've read so many! These methods are kind and really work. It gets to the core of issues rather than disciplining without listening and understanding your child. It's best for children over the age of 5, I think. If you have a pre-teen or teen, it will be especially useful.
October 31, 2022
Did this program one day at a time, and it’s having positive effects already! This is great! There are some sections that feel a little fluffy and my discussion with school hasn’t really worked out but I’m hoping that using it at home will make life easier for us all. Knocked off 1 star as there is a lot that is US-centric but you can skim those bits.
June 5, 2017
Definitely a great book to have in your library, to share with others and maybe one day to pass down the generations. I absolutely noticed changes from reading Day 1 and Day 2. Gave a lot of insight into myself, and my child. I will continue to practice some of the advices on a regular basis.
July 5, 2018
Practical and Helpful
Really straightforward detailed in a useful way with enough but not too many examples
I appreciate the insight and advice and am seeing results as we apply this
Really straightforward detailed in a useful way with enough but not too many examples
I appreciate the insight and advice and am seeing results as we apply this
December 27, 2018
Too bad I didn't have this book to read about 20 years ago when my own defiant child was 4 years old. It would have helped. Having said that, I think it may be prove to be useful advice for dealing with "difficult" people of any age.
March 17, 2021
Takes a while to read, but there's some really good advice in there, even if your kid is just an average disobedient child. It helped me stay calm to avoid escalations and you can Teel it helps the kid too.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 14, 2023
I think read this at the wrong age group for Diana. It definitely has some great tips, but I also felt a lot of things didn’t apply to me. I think I gathered one or two things to help but it wasn’t overwhelmingly life changing.
September 13, 2024
در ابتدا باید بگم که خوندن این کتاب برای من خیلیییی بیشتر از ۱۰ روز طول کشید و این مسئله ای هست که من کلا در مورد مطالعه ی کتاب های روانشناسی دارم. از این مورد که بگذریم به نظر من کتاب مفید و خوبی بود و ارزش چند بار خوندن رو داره
March 7, 2025
Despite the title leading me to think it would be things for my teen to do, this is a hard look at how you parent your "defiant" child or teen. I found the steps very encouraging, and I could see these strategies helping any family with tween or teen children who like to push back.
January 19, 2018
This book helps you identify if you really have a defiant child or if your child is just occasionally. There are many parenting tips helpful to anyone.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 71 reviews