Sleepless Dreamer’s Reviews > Designing Your Life: Build a Life that Works for You > Status Update

Israeli vibes be like, "I get annoyed if international friends don't ask me how I'm doing but when they ask me, I have no idea what to say"

I think I have not caught up on what's going on, still trying to process what any of this means.

I'm watching the sunset over a gorgeous town abroad, the sky is a brilliant purple. My hotel balcony is perfect. What joy.

And then, I remember that I could be held hostage in Gaza if I was a little less lucky 10 months ago.

Survivor's guilt sneaks down my throat, slithers around my ribcage. How dare I? My region implodes and I drink lattes and enjoy life.

I'm scared none of us will ever be okay again.

Nearly 8 months of war and still, I cannot sleep some nights. I feel like a haunted house. I'm seeing homes of my country burned to crisp and I can't believe we are expected to be normal after all this.

And even though life has gone back to some level of normal, I can't breathe. Another night, bound to be a late one.

I'm so sad. Grief is not a strong enough word, nothing is real and everything is wrong.

The minutes after a missile siren are the worst.

I should return to normal life. I am safe. The booms are gone, casualties are listed.

But my hands won't stop shaking. My muscles remain tense. My brain convinces me that we are under constant attack.

If you've never lived through war, you won't get it.

50 days of war and still, I can't sleep because I am thinking of the horrors I saw.

Won't admit this to anyone in real life but I regret watching the documentation of Hamas' massacre. I wanted to bear witness.

I think I've scarred my soul instead. I am terrified that I will never be the same.

I just saw a picture of a beheaded Israeli.

I do not think I will ever sleep again. It is seared into my soul.

Moments from Israel:

A friend writes "lol sorry" after she gives me a heartattack by someone close had died.

I go outside alone for the first time since the war began. I am pleased to announce that it exists. Compassion, kindness, strength and anger pepper Israeli streets. Everyone is my family and a potential terrorist simultaneously.

My eyes hurt from too much screen time but I can't look away.

I have stood on stages, claiming that the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is complicated. It's not complicated today.

The war crimes committed against Israeli civilians are horrific. If you have ever cared about life here and do not condemn it, you've lost my trust.

I feel sick with worry. With rage. Fear.

Its nearly my birthday.

I'm walking through an Austrian village in the mountains. With ambient electronic music from the concert still echoing in my heart alongside a conversation about China's political situation and light hearted jokes about me being an Israeli spy, I feel so deeply grateful to life.

This year was not always easy but I fucking survived. I'm doing more than I dreamed I could. Wow