Sleepless Dreamer > Recent Status Updates

Israeli vibes be like, "I get annoyed if international friends don't ask me how I'm doing but when they ask me, I have no idea what to say"

I think I have not caught up on what's going on, still trying to process what any of this means.

I do not know a deeper loneliness than war in your country when you're abroad. My heart hurts and nothing makes sense. I have to believe that there is a better future for the Middle East, just across the corner, half a step away but how, how?

I'm watching the sunset over a gorgeous town abroad, the sky is a brilliant purple. My hotel balcony is perfect. What joy.

And then, I remember that I could be held hostage in Gaza if I was a little less lucky 10 months ago.

Survivor's guilt sneaks down my throat, slithers around my ribcage. How dare I? My region implodes and I drink lattes and enjoy life.

I'm scared none of us will ever be okay again.

Nearly 8 months of war and still, I cannot sleep some nights. I feel like a haunted house. I'm seeing homes of my country burned to crisp and I can't believe we are expected to be normal after all this.

Another late night, 7 months into war. And i cannot sleep again. I am tired of complaining to friends, exhausted of sharing emotions and distracting myself and confronting my anxieties.

My sadness is so vast. It cannot be reduced. I begin to fear that I will never heal from any of this.

And even though life has gone back to some level of normal, I can't breathe. Another night, bound to be a late one.

I'm so sad. Grief is not a strong enough word, nothing is real and everything is wrong.

I should view myself as lucky. I have friends from all over the world yet it took over 70 days for one to write something stupid about my country.

It hurts more than I thought it would. And he spoke so kindly yet everything he said was so wrong and my God, do I pick this friend or my truth ahh

The minutes after a missile siren are the worst.

I should return to normal life. I am safe. The booms are gone, casualties are listed.

But my hands won't stop shaking. My muscles remain tense. My brain convinces me that we are under constant attack.

If you've never lived through war, you won't get it.

My family was kicked out of multiple countries. My story is not unique; I am most Israelis.

You can't teach us about oppression. We are the grandchildren of the Jews you couldn't kill. You step on our graves when you go outside to protest against us. Your synagogues are empty because we are here. You live in our old houses.

I do not expect anything anymore.

50 days of war and still, I can't sleep because I am thinking of the horrors I saw.

Won't admit this to anyone in real life but I regret watching the documentation of Hamas' massacre. I wanted to bear witness.

I think I've scarred my soul instead. I am terrified that I will never be the same.

When the rapes were denied, I saw red. For a few minutes, total rage. But then? I got up and worked out.

When the war became too big for my brain and soul, I started to sign up for volunteering positions. I will fight the fog, end the endless scrolling.

I am learning how to live. Some moments are harder than others but that's okay. War has many victims; my sense of self won't be one of them.

Some days I feel like myself again. My mind is clear. I remember that I am not a creature of war.

But other days? The pain is engulfing. I am every Israeli. I am every Palestinian. There is no future or past. I freeze as though grief can be fought with hibernation.

During the first days of the war, when Europeans around me stayed silent as Hamas' crimes were denied but also reached out in private to thank me for my voice, I accepted it.

Now?

I don't. Speak up. You know that they're spreading lies. Speak up. I don't accept your thanks, you should have said something.

For the first time during this war, I have felt emotionally ready to do Israeli-Palestinian dialogue.

We cried together when she told us about her friend and his death in the music festival.

4 Palestinians thanked me for my opinions, said I'm the first Israeli to understand them. And I'm still a Zionist, I still believe Hamas must be wiped off this earth. But months of listening have payed off. My grief rewards me.

Me: I must live by the Israeli ethos. No siren scares me, I am functioning despite war.

Also me: I experienced two missile attacks today and felt so shaken that I'm still full of adrenaline 6 hours later, spending hours on war meme pages and oh no, it's 2am.

I cried three times because of the war today. This is what healing looks like.

These times are not normal. Will never be normal. Some days, functioning is painful. I am still doing my best, every day, and that has to be enough.

I just saw a picture of a beheaded Israeli.

I do not think I will ever sleep again. It is seared into my soul.

Me, throughout my entire army service: the sexualization of soldiers is a sign of a sick militaristic society, it must stop.

Me now: goddammit, literally every person in reserves is absurdly beautiful, what the heck

Anyways, I'm done mincing words, Hamas can go fuck itself in the queerest way possible

Moments from Israel:

A friend writes "lol sorry" after she gives me a heartattack by someone close had died.

I go outside alone for the first time since the war began. I am pleased to announce that it exists. Compassion, kindness, strength and anger pepper Israeli streets. Everyone is my family and a potential terrorist simultaneously.

My eyes hurt from too much screen time but I can't look away.

I am amazed by Israeli strength and resilience.

The hero who saved her entire kibbutz. The woman who gave the terrorists cookies & chatted to them in Arabic while coordinating her own rescue. The policeman who saved 500 people from the music festival massacre & still cried about not saving more.

In the depths of this, I am grateful to my people for reminding me that we are eternal survivors. We will outlive it all

I can't be the Israeli friend right now.

My phone is full of heartfelt and beautiful texts from friends abroad but I have no words for them. I feel absolutely shattered. They ask if I'm okay and what can I say?

Something inherent has broken. I have lost some faith in humanity. I am choking on Palestinian war crimes. Fear has made my spine its home. I am okay.

I have stood on stages, claiming that the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is complicated. It's not complicated today.

The war crimes committed against Israeli civilians are horrific. If you have ever cared about life here and do not condemn it, you've lost my trust.

I feel sick with worry. With rage. Fear.

I don't mean to be like this but the author confuses between Hebrew and Yiddish which tells me something about the Jewish involvement.

Jewish adventures:

I did not realize how meaningful I would find non-Jewish friends wishing me a happy new year, especially with the Hebrew.

Like gosh, it's most of my friends abroad. It's such a small thing but it really matters

Its nearly my birthday.

I'm walking through an Austrian village in the mountains. With ambient electronic music from the concert still echoing in my heart alongside a conversation about China's political situation and light hearted jokes about me being an Israeli spy, I feel so deeply grateful to life.

This year was not always easy but I fucking survived. I'm doing more than I dreamed I could. Wow

Every single Israeli knows someone who was hurt in a terror attack and yet, it does not get easier.

He was stabbed 20 fucking times this week, just walking in the street when three Palestinians attacked him.

And I'm here in Tokyo's alleys and I feel sick, I feel heartbroken and enraged, nothing in this world is right.

Solo travel is great because I'm pretty sure none of my friends would be open to spending two hours in the archives of a war museum in Tokyo, watching old American documentaries. That is their loss, ofc. I've had a blast.

And it is shocking to step out to Tokyo's big streets after seeing its past.

Me: I have forgot to give my back residency card. This is against the law. I am a criminal and will be banned from Korea, oh no

The immigration office, fixing this in 4 seconds:

Me: could my concerns be totally made up? Nah, let's move on. My checked in luggage is definitely missing forever. I'm sure of it.

2 thoughts of the day:
1. Do not think big thoughts when you haven't eaten for 10 hours. This isn't an epiphany, it's low blood sugar. You don't hate yourself and no one hates you.

2. It's okay if I have outgrown improv. I used to hate watercolors and now I adore them- I am not who I was a decade ago. This is growth, even when it is painful.

I'd like to open a study cafe that has:
1. A space for stretching and meditating, for people whose bodies fall apart but need to study

2. A room that has fun pop music to dance around to after hours upon hours of sitting

3. A culture of complaining to the other students about whatever is causing you misery, just approaching people and chatting (procrastinating together)

I have a vision, I'm sure of it.