Garland’s Reviews > Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers > Status Update

“Allowing children's friends to enter by a back/ side door enables them to escape the normal attachment rituals of family greetings & introductions. Likewise, creating separate area in house where children can isolate themselves from us is the last thing we want to do. want to get them into the common living areas where we can maintain connection & subvert the either/or mentality.” Goal: Serve meal in family setting

“ But because the first fruits of peer orientation look so good, we have no inkling of what awaits us. We believe that peers are the answer to many of the problems child-rearing will throw our way. We will pay a heavy price. We must resist the temptation to welcome the Trojan Horse within our walls.”

“If we experienced the true legacy of peer orientation first - the increased counterwill, the loss of respect and regard for authority, the prolonged im-maturity, the increase in aggression, the emotional hardening, the lack of receptiveness to being parented or taught - we would move quickly to address the problem. We would waste no time in working to restore our rightful place in our children's lives.”

“not saying that some social play will harm a child's development, but it will not further it either. it's not that children shouldn't spend time with one another, but we should not expect such play to meet their deepest needs.
In our urgency for children to socialize, we leave little time for our kids to be with us or to engage in the solitary, creative emergent play. We fill up their free time with play dates or TV

“place a higher value on children's becoming able to hold on to themselves when interacting with others. All the socializing in the world could never bring a child to this point. Only a viable relationship with nurturing adults can give birth to true independence & individuality. Only in that context can unfold the fully developed personality, a human being able to respect self & to value the personhood of others.”

“socializing plays a part in rendering a child capable of true social integration, but only as a finishing touch. The child must first of all be able to hold on to herself when interacting with others and to perceive the others as separate beings. When a child knows her own mind and values the separateness of another's mind, then she ready to hold on to her sense of self, while respecting that of the other person.“

Ch17
“Commonly in our society parents and teachers go out of their way to enable their children and students to socialize with one another.
The belief is that socializing-children spending time with one another - begets socialization: the capacity for skillful and mature relating to other human beings. There is no evidence to support such an assumption, despite its popularity.”

Ch16=FLOP “If we see a child as a liar, we are likely to confront his untruths in a judgmental & stern manner; if we had the wisdom to know that a child conceals the truth only because he is too insecure in our love to risk our wrath or disappointment, we would do everything to restore his sense of absolute security. "Who alone has good reason to lie his way out of reality?" wrote Nietzsche. "He who suffers from it."

If we slow the peer interaction sufficiently, an automatic self-selection process will take place. more intensely peer-oriented among children's friends will move on to others who also seek to connect primarily with other kids. Bc we all want to attach to people who share our interests and values, children well-connected with their parents are likely to find friends whose families are also more important to them.

209:
If attachment technologies in home serve purposes of children consorting with the competition, need way to reduce access to this technology.
Once child truly peer-oriented, instincts to pursue proximity with peers can be so powerful that rules may no longer be sufficient. technology serving peer attachments may need to be sacrificed, just as alcohol would be barred if a family member had a drinking problem.