Maria Rowe’s Reviews > Stone Butch Blues > Status Update

I found an empty chair and sat down. I noticed a book on the rack next to me called Our Bodies, Ourselves and made a mental note to buy it in a bookstore.

I felt my whole life coming full circle. Growing up so different, coming out as a butch, passing as a man, and then back to the same question that had shaped my life: woman or man?

“When I was growing up, I believed I was gonna do something really important with my life, like explore the universe or cure diseases. I never thought I’d spend so much of my life fighting over􏰌􏰪􏰏􏰋 which bathroom I could use.”

Ruth sat down next to me. “That’s part of how starved you’ve been. I think you’re afraid this is the last beautiful thing that’s going to happen to you, and you want to hold onto it.”

“I miss Buffalo,” I sighed. “Well, at least I miss the way it used to be. It was such a blue-collar town when I grew up. I never could have imagined that the plants would close and the people from the suburbs would move in and buy our houses dirt-cheap.”

Living in New York City wasn’t easy— sometimes my nerves felt like grated cheese—but it was never boring. I liked that. Something was always happening in Manhattan, good or bad. There were things to do almost any hour of the day or night.

I found an empty chair and sat down. I noticed a book on the rack next to me called Our Bodies, Ourselves and made a mental note to buy it in a bookstore.

While I told myself I couldn’t move because I didn’t have enough money, deep down I feared New York would chew me up and spit me out.

Woman or man: they are outraged that I confuse them. The punishment will follow. The only recognition I can find in their eyes is that I am “other.” I am different. I will always be different.

Who was I now—woman or man? That question could never be answered as long as those were the only choices; it could never be answered if it had to be asked.