Status Updates From Friars Club Encyclopedia of...

"Confidence: what you start off with before you completely understand the situation."

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies."

"People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people."

"First guy: I got this bottle of brandy for my mother-in-law.
Second guy: What a great trade!"

A woman from Texas and a woman from New York meet at a party. The woman from Texas says to the woman from New York, 'Hi! Where y'all from?'
The woman from New York replies, 'Where I come from we don't end our sentences with prepositions...'
So the woman from Texas says, 'Fine! Where y'all from, bitch?' "

"Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."

"After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' And the husband replied, ' Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

"When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is."

"A marriage license costs ten dollars down, and your income for life."

"Marriage is the only sport that requires the trapped animal to buy the license."

"I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always."

"If love is blind, then marriage is a real eye-opener!"

"Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die."

"The wise old man pointed out that it was impossible to judge the happiness of a married couple from observation alone. 'Some couples holds hands because, if they let go, they're afraid they'd kill each other.' "

"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."

"First guy: I've got a big problem. I'm married to a wonderful cook, a marvelous lover, and the best-looking woman in town.
Second guy: So what's the problem?
First guy: Having more than one wife is illegal."

"Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house."

"In Hollywood all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterward that causes all the problems."

"Bigamy is having one wife two many. Monogamy is the same thing."

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."

"An extravagance is anything you buy that is of no use to your spouse."

"Woman to marriage counselor: 'The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.' "

"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties."

"A car is useless in New York; essential everywhere else. The same with good manners."

"A good listener is generally thinking about something else."

"There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it."

"How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb? It depends on what kind of insurance the bulb has."

"Juries scare me. I don't want to put my fate in the hands of twelve people who weren't even smart enough to get out of jury duty."

"A husband is what's left of a man after the nerve has been extracted."

"A new bride gushed to her mother, 'My husband is very good to me. He gives me everything I ask for.' Her mother said, 'That only shows you're not asking for enough.' "

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"I know a guy who loves wearing a dress so much that when he saw the movie Some Like It Hot, he thought it was a documentary."

"Whenever I feel like exercising, I lie down until the feeling passes."

"What's the definition of minor surgery? An operation performed on somebody else."

"I don't Make Jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

I went to a store and asked to see something cheap in a dress. The saleswoman said, 'The mirror is to the left.'

"This biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook."

"Why do divorces cost so much? Because they're worth it."

"John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor: Cur your head off."

"All my doctor does is send me to see other doctors. I don't know if he's really a doctor or a booking agent."

"There are two things we're sure of: death and taxes. Now, if only we could get them in that order!"

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets."

"When I die, I want to go like my grandfather... in his sleep. Not screaming like the other passengers in his car."

"Eating her cooking is like playing Russian roulette. I never know which meal is going to kill me."

"Reality is the only obstacle to happiness."

"I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology."

"How many of you ever started dating someone 'cause you were too lazy to commit suicide?"

"Insanity is hereditary - you get it from your children."

"In America there are two classes of travel: first class, and with children."

"I've got nothing against kids. I just follow the advice on every bottle in my medicine cabinet: 'Keep away from children.' "

"My husband says I treat him like he's a god; every meal is a burnt offering."

"The only difference between California and yogurt is that yogurt has active culture."

"What a horrible car accident. I had the right of way, but the other guy had the truck."

"The wheel was man's greatest invention until he got behind it."

"Nothing depreciates your car so fast as a new model in your neighbor's garage."

"A guy calls the hospital. He says, 'You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!
The nurse says, 'Calm down. Is this her first child?'
He says, 'No! This is her husband!' "

"Sign above bank teller's station: To err is human, to forgive is not bank policy."

"He took my glasses off and said, 'Without your glasses, why, you're beautiful. I said, 'Without my glasses, you're not half bad either."

"My doctor has a great stress test. It's called 'The Bill'."

"What's the best way to stop a runaway horse? Bet on it."

"Often they hang the painting when they should hang the artist instead."

"I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow."