Status Updates From Toxic Parents: Overcoming T...

<-- or they do realize theyre in the wrong but dont bother to truly change and keep regressing because its "too hard" also in my case

> Toxic parents resist any external reality that challenges their
beliefs. Rather than change, they develop a distorted view of reality
to support the beliefs they already have. Unfortunately, children
lack the sophistication to discriminate between true reality and
distorted reality. As children of toxic parents grow up, they carry
their parents’ distorted beliefs unchallenged into their own adult
lives.

> A toxic parent’s beliefs about children, on the other hand, are
almost always self-centered and self-serving. They believe things
like, “children should respect their parents no matter what”; “there
are only two ways to do things, my way and the wrong way”; or,
“children should be seen but not heard.” These types of beliefs form
the soil from which toxic parental behavior grows.

> This system is not something that
your parents invented; it is the result of the accumulated feelings,
rules, interactions, and beliefs that have been handed down from
your ancestors.

> You can
change many of these early decisions, and with them your life
scenario, but you must first understand how much of what you feel,
how you live, and what you believe has been shaped by your family
system.

> If you had toxic parents, you
probably made decisions such as: “I can’t trust anybody”; “I’m not
worth caring about”; or, “I’ll never amount to anything.” Those
decisions were self-defeating and need to be changed. [2/2]

> Your family system constituted your entire reality when you were
young. You made decisions as a child—about who you are and how
you’re supposed to interact with others—based on how your family
system taught you to see the world. [1/2]

skimmed sexual abuse part i cant take it
> With treatment, most victims are able to reclaim their dignity and
their power. Recognizing a problem and seeking help is a sign not
only of health but of courage.

> Abused children have a caldron of rage bubbling inside them. You
can’t be battered, humiliated, terrified, denigrated, and blamed for
your own pain without getting angry. But a battered child has no
way to release this anger. In adulthood, that anger has to find an
outlet. <-- actually the outlet is bullying or addiction etc

> I was not surprised when Kate told me that her high school
classmates thought she had a great family. Many abusive families
are able to present a very “normal” facade to the rest of the world.
This apparent respectability is in direct opposition to the family’s
reality. It forms the basis of a “family myth.” <-- mine too when my ex bsf thought my mom was gr8 then she told her it wasnt true help

> A child’s world is very narrow, and no matter
how abusive, the parents still represent the only available source of
love and comfort. The battered child spends his entire childhood
searching for the Holy Grail of parental love. That search continues
into adulthood. [2/2]

> The mixed messages only added to Joe’s confusion, and they made it
more diffcult for him to face the truth about his father. I explained
to Joe that an incredibly strong, perverse parent/child fusion occurs
when a parent holds out a promise of love while at the same time
mistreating that child. [1/2]

"we only did it sometimes" <-- frommyownm*ther

> Unfortunately for both the
abuser and the victim, displacing anger gives the abuser only
temporary relief. The true source of his rage remains, unchanged
and destined to build up again. And, sadly, the helpless target of his
rage remains as well, destined to soak up that rage and carry it into
adulthood. [2/2]

> Physical violence
against children is often a reaction to stress at work, coflinict with
another family member or friend, or general tension over an
unsatisfying life. Children are easy targets: they can’t fight back, and
they can be intimidated into silence. [1/2]

> Abusers have a
need to be understood. They beat their children, then beg them to
understand, even ask for their forgiveness.

> They were widely viewed as chattel, pieces of property that were “owned” by their parents. For hundreds of years, parental rights were considered inviolate—in the name of discipline, parents could do just about
anything to their children, short of killing them. [2/2]

> There is a great deal of controversy and confusion over the
denition of physical abuse. Many people still believe that parents
have not only the right but the responsibility to use corporal
punishment on their children. The most common parenting motto in
the English language is still, “Spare the rod and spoil the child.”
Until recently, children had virtually no legal rights. [1/2]

skimmed the perfectionism part bc it doesnt apply to me + i dont really care rn

> Some verbally abusive parents don’t bother to hide behind
rationalizations. Instead, they bombard their children with cruel
insults, harangues, denunciations, and derogatory names. These
parents are extraordinarily insensitive to both the pain they are
inflicting and the lasting damage they are doing. Such blatant verbal
abuse can sear into a child’s self-worth like a cattle brand, leaving
deep psychological scars.

> When Phil rst came in for treatment, he made absolutely no
connection between his hypersensitivity and his father’s taunting. As
a little boy, Phil was unprotected because his father’s behavior was
never recognized as abuse. Phil was in a typical “lose-lose”
situation: “My dad’s jokes hurt me and I’m weak because I can’t take
it.”

> Phil was constantly being humiliated and picked on. When he
made an attempt to confront his father’s behavior, he was accused
of being inadequate because he “couldn’t take a joke.” Phil had
nowhere to go with all these feelings.
As Phil described his feelings, I could see that he was still
embarrassed—as if he believed that his complaints were silly.

> Children believe and internalize what their parents say about them.
It is sadistic and destructive for a parent to make repetitive jokes at
the expense of a vulnerable child. [2/2]

> We have all been guilty of making jokes at someone else’s
expense. Most of the time, such jokes can be relatively harmless.
But, as in other forms of toxic parenting, it is the frequency, the
cruelty, and the source of these jokes that make them abusive.
[1/2]

> [...] If the child, or any other family member, complains, the abuser
invariably accuses him or her of lacking a sense of humor. “She
knows I’m only kidding,” he’ll say, as if the victim of his abuse were
a co-conspirator.

> Other verbal abusers are more indirect, assailing the child with a
constant barrage of teasing, sarcasm, insulting nicknames, and
subtle put-downs. These parents often hide their abuse behind the
facade of humor. [...]

> Like controlling parents, verbal abusers have two distinct styles.
There are those who attack directly, openly, viciously degrading
their children. They may call their children stupid, worthless, or
ugly. They may say that they wish their child had never been born.
They are oblivious to their child’s feelings and to the long-term
effects of their constant assaults on their child’s developing self-
image.

> "If I had to choose between physical and verbal abuse, I’d take a beating anytime. You can see the marks, so at least people feel sorry for you. With the verbal stuff, it just makes you crazy. The wounds are invisible. Nobody cares. Real bruises heal a hell of a lot faster than insults."
damn real

> Children growing up in alcoholic homes are buffeted by
unpredictable and volatile circumstances and personalities. In
reaction, they often grow up with an overpowering need to control
everything and everyone in their lives.

> The parent uses criticism
as a means of control, so no matter what the child does, the parent
will find something to criticize. The child becomes an outlet for
frustration, a scapegoat for all that is wrong with his parents.