Status Updates From The Revised Fundamentals of...

In all the waking moments of my life, the disaster is the one thing that ever truly happened. Everything else is a lie.

Because like all young lovers, he wants to hoard the memory, hold it so close and contained that it can never escape him.

And though i know their merrinent is perishable, that it cannot survive a thousand realities, i cant help but wish them a lifetime of it.

That everything would be all right. That the universe would provide. That belief was a force more powerful then gravity itself.

But unlike the sort of disappointment i usually inspire, it occurs to me for once that i might actually control the outcome somehow what however else i may have depleyed, exhausted, or reduced my life to a heap of smouldering rubble, i still have the power not to disappoint.

I've been thinking about all the things i might have done differently. All the choices i didn't make. All the decisions that made and unmade me, all the actions and inactions i did or didn't take.

We both know she's stronger. We both know that i'm ultimately unreliable, that even my best intentions are suspect, and that in my own way i'm every bit as crippled as her son.

A reckless verve that makes me want to lean over and kiss her big chapped lips. I am fascinated by her life, mostly because i've been granted access to it

forest says to be myself. He says ask questions— but not too many

But because i know that no matter how safe one plays it, no matter how one tries to minimize risk, to shelter oneself or ones charge from the big bad world outside, accidents will happen

What thought so consumed me in that moment, what matter was of such presding importance in my life, that i could be so absent? And the answer is: i dont remember

And for one delicious instant there is a spark of possibility. Possiblity of what?

But im nkt going to ennoble him just because he's looking desth in the eye.Really, what choice does he have? we're all dying.