Sandy

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David Sedaris
“States vote to take away my marriage rights, and even though I don’t want to get married, it tends to hurt my feelings. I guess what bugs me is that it was put to a vote in the first place. If you don’t want to marry a homosexual, then don’t. But what gives you the right to weigh in on your neighbor’s options? It’s like voting on whether or not redheads should be allowed to celebrate Christmas.”
David Sedaris, Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls

“The service was also very nice. Normally, when food is served, they say, “Bon appétit.” But when this food was dropped, you said, “Son of a bitch!”—even though I saw no puppies.”
Jeremy Greenberg, Sorry I Barfed on Your Bed:

John Green
“There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I'm likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful.”
John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

John Green
“Augustus Waters was a self-aggrandizing bastard. But we forgive him. We forgive him not because he had a heart as figuratively good as his literal one sucked, or because he knew more about how to hold a cigarette than any nonsmoker in history, or because he got eighteen years when he should've gotten more.'
'Seventeen,' Gus corrected.
'I'm assuming you've got some time, you interupting bastard.
'I'm telling you,' Isaac continued, 'Augustus Waters talked so much that he'd interupt you at his own funeral. And he was pretentious: Sweet Jesus Christ, that kid never took a piss without pondering the abundant metaphorical resonances of human waste production. And he was vain: I do not believe I have ever met a more physically attractive person who was more acutely aware of his own physical attractiveness.
'But I will say this: When the scientists of the future show up at my house with robot eyes and they tell me to try them on, I will tell the scientists to screw off, because I do not want to see a world without him.'
I was kind of crying by then.”
John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

Jill Shalvis
“They all eyeballed the last muffin.
“How about we split if four ways?” Kylie suggested.
Elle produced a pocketknife.
“What the hell is that?” Kylie asked.
“I always carry a knife,” Elle said. “You know, in case of having to split a muffin in four pieces. And don’t look shocked. You carry dangerous tools yourelf. Yesterday I watched you use a huge jigsaw like it was nothing.”
“Yes, but that was for work,” Kylie said. “Although you’ve got a point about being able to split a muffin. I bet I could do that with a jigsaw in an emergency.”
Jill Shalvis, Chasing Christmas Eve

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