On dating a non-reader

[Sarah]

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/dont-d...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jason-p...

[RandomAnthony]

You know, I think the stereotype is often "Reading girl dating non-reading guy" but we're so used to guy readers here on GR that we don't encounter it as much within our conversations. But my wife really didn't start reading regularly until the last couple of years. I guess we had other things in common, etc., but I admit that now she reads (mostly YA material) it's both nice and weird to talk about books with her.

I find this website slightly misguided if well-intentioned:

http://www.guysread.com/

I don't think boys want only to read about trucks and baseball or whatever.

[~Geektastic~]

I was just reading the thoughtcatalog/huffpost pieces yesterday, Sarah, and debating whether to post them here or not. I'm glad you did, I think they're worth a read.

I've always been a reader, while my husband reads only occasionally and almost exclusively in the fantasy and sci-fi genres, with special emphasis on things like Star Wars and Doctor Who. I won't deny that I think being a reader sets you up to be more demanding of yourself and your partner, your life, your ambitions, not necessarily because of some misguided Madame Bovary fantasy, but because extensive reading reveals extensive possibilities. The desire to analyze (sometimes over-analyze) your own life can be correlated to the long-time examination of other lives through books.

I love the idea that a knowledge of syntax has a direct effect on a relationship.

[Rebecca]

I might still be married if my ex-husband were more of a reader. My mind goes places and he just never got it. He's a first class human being, but there was only so much connecting we could do. He was a reader when he was young too, and one of the things that attracted me to him was that he had varied interests. A biology major who loved history. But he let all that go. He doesn't pursue his own interests. He'd be so much more interesting to me if he did.

[Julie]

I like comment #2 far more than I Warnke's stupid article. That's rubbish. And quite frankly, that's why I refuse to date non-readers - they bore me to death.

[Kevin]

my wife is a non-reader but she is now hooked on audiobooks (called play-aways at our library). i still don't get that but at least she can listen to some of the books i have read and we can talk about them.

[~Geektastic~]

Julie wrote: "I like comment #2 far more than I Warnke's stupid article. That's rubbish. And quite frankly, that's why I refuse to date non-readers - they bore me to death."

I think Warnke was being at least partially sarcastic.

[Julie]

Amber wrote: "I think Warnke was being at least partially sarcastic. "

Maybe, but there are single guys out there that think along those lines, certainly. Maybe they don't equate those beliefs with reading, probably because they're not smart enough to, but they're there.

[~Geektastic~]

It's a good point Julie, there are guys out there (and girls, too) that take the easiest path to mediocrity and never question that they may be unhappy or unfulfilled. But in Warnke's case, I think he was harping on his own inadequacies and the expectations of the world at large rather than actually presenting a valid argument.

[~Geektastic~]

I think I was trying too hard to be diplomatic...I agree with you Bun, it was satire (I couldn't find the word, I wanted to go with ironic, but that didn't seem quite right).

[Sarah]

Definitely satire, but I like the idea that a reader applies the lessons of reading to his or her life and relationship.

I also agree with Llosa: ""We would be worse than we are without the good books we have read, more conformist, not as restless, more submissive, and the critical spirit, the engine of progress, would not even exist. Like writing, reading is a protest against the insufficiencies of life. When we look in fiction for what is missing in life, we are saying, with no need to say it or even to know it, that life as it is does not satisfy our thirst for the absolute – the foundation of the human condition – and should be better. We invent fictions in order to live somehow the many lives we would like to lead when we barely have one at our disposal."

[Rebecca]

I thought he was being totally satirical. Marry a non-reader and she won't have any idea how to articulate what's wrong, much less know how to make it better. A reader can analyze and express the problem.

And it's true - I've known non-readers who are analytical and can figure things out, but not very many.

[Michael]

I couldn't be with a non-reader again because what comes with a non-reader is an intolerance for spending time reading.

[Rebecca]

Good point, Michael!

[Stacia (the 2010 club)]

Michael wrote: "I couldn't be with a non-reader again because what comes with a non-reader is an intolerance for spending time reading."

This can be quite true. My husband reads every once in a while, but he tends to prefer non-fiction and informational books (although I can bully him into reading a fiction book every so often), so he doesn't completely get why I can find books more entertaining story-wise than t.v. a lot of the time.

I do also think that non-readers have a hard time understanding why you may not hear them if you're in the middle of a good part in your book, and it can be frustrating to them if they think they're being ignored. I'm not sure if anyone else has experienced this, but sometimes I'll get to that one moment in a book where a major plot point happens like a death or revelation of something and I'm so absorbed in the "what is going on here!?!" moment that I tend to tune others out. Of course, it never fails that this is also the moment when someone wants to engage in a conversation.

[Rebecca]

With me it was the chatter never stopping, even though I was trying to read.

[Rebecca]

wish I was like that.

[Rebecca]

Fantastic!

[Lobstergirl, el principe]

I'm not sure what a "reader" is that we're talking about. Everyone seems to be thinking that a reader is someone who reads books. But what if someone only reads magazines and newspapers? My brother and one of my sisters fall into this category. They'll pick up a book every once in awhile, but 97% of what they read is magazines (for a literate readership, like The New Yorker or the Atlantic or Harpers) and the New York Times, and online magazines, and blogs. It's not like they never read novels; they read Dostoyevsky, Flaubert, Joyce, Faulkner, etc. etc. in high school and college. Then life became extremely busy for them, and it was a lot easier to pick up a magazine and read an 8 page article, than pick up Thomas Pynchon. I myself, back when I was only reading 10-20 books a year, was reading mostly magazines. I was so proud of myself when I read 24 books one year. Two books per month felt like a huge accomplishment.

[Janice]

Michael wrote: "I couldn't be with a non-reader again because what comes with a non-reader is an intolerance for spending time reading."

My husband doesn't read books. He will read a magazine that is outdoors/hunting related, but rarely. He doesn't begrudge me my reading time because then I don't argue about what's on the television.

We were going out for supper the other night and I was engrossed in a novel. "Let's go!" he called. I ignored him. A few minutes later, he peered over my shoulder and noticed the end of the chapter, "Ahh, I get it." He sat down and patiently waited for me to finish the chapter.

He has learned a few tricks over the years.

[Laurin]

RandomAnthony wrote: "You know, I think the stereotype is often "Reading girl dating non-reading guy" but we're so used to guy readers here on GR that we don't encounter it as much within our conversations. But my wife..."

My boyfriend and I fall into that stereotype. I LOVE to read, and he can't stand it. I ttried to get him to read a CHILDREN'S book, and he wouldn't do it.

[Louise]

For me it's important that I can discuss more abstract subjects with my significant other - I have a lot of thoughts sometimes about life, death, love, meaning etc.
that I want to be able to discuss and talk about.
Not necessarily on a "high intellectual level", not at all, but some of the boyfriends I've had before, who weren't readers/ and weren't interested in culture/philosophy/psychology just couldn't relate to that or be bothered to think about such issues.

My husband doesn't read more than a few books a year, but he does read graphic novels/comics, he plays roleplaying games like I do, and he'll watch weird French movies with me from time to time.
AND he'll listen and talk about various stuff I've got on my mind :-)

[Stacia (the 2010 club)]

Laurin wrote: " I tried to get him to read a CHILDREN'S book, and he wouldn't do it..."

I tried to switch tactics and get mine to listen to an audiobook since he commutes, and he still hasn't. Although, I do love me some music in the car, so I kind of understand.

[Kevin]

^^^ gabby, that is strike one

[Michael]

Laurin wrote: "My boyfriend and I fall into that stereotype. I LOVE to read, and he can't stand it. I ttried to get him to read a CHILDREN'S book, and he wouldn't do it."

I had the same thing. I tried to get her to read The Wizard of Oz - with me - and she wasn't interested. (Based on how we eventually ended maybe it was the "with me" part that she didn't like!) She liked scary movies so I gave her Night Chills and she did read it but it took her three months to finally finish. I don't care if it's Going Rogue: An American Life, the next woman I connect with is going to be a reader.

[Michael]

Gabby wrote: "I don't think that it should make a significant difference. There are other aspects of life which are more important than reading."

It makes a difference when your partner resents the fact that you'd rather read then watch a movie with her, or that you'd rather spend five hours reading on Saturday and/or Sunday than going to visit friends or go to the lake/mall or drive 50 miles (one way) to buy corn, or - the unholiest of unholies - go to garage sales.

[Michael]

Lobstergirl wrote: "I'm not sure what a "reader" is that we're talking about. Everyone seems to be thinking that a reader is someone who reads books. But what if someone only reads magazines and newspapers? My brot..."

For me, in this discussion, it's a book reader. Not that newspaper and magazine readers aren't readers, they are, but book reading is a different type of commitment, both in time and personal involvement.

[Kevin]

i agree with michael. i took this as a book reader. not one who reads shampoo bottles in the tub.

[Rebecca]

Books do go in deeper. If I really want to understand something I need a book. I look The New Yorker, but I've noticed how often their best articles are inspired by and commenting on a book!

[janine]

Kevin "El Liso Grande" wrote: "i agree with michael. i took this as a book reader. not one who reads shampoo bottles in the tub."

I read shampoo bottles in the shower.

[Rebecca]

Haven't you noticed the instructions never change?

[ms.petra]

Amber love your comment in #4. Exactly how I feel.

[janine]

Rebecca wrote: "Haven't you noticed the instructions never change?"

I have, but there's nothing else to read in the shower - except the other bottles hanging out there.

[Sarah]

Alison Bechdel made a breast-exam comic strip that is laminated so you can hang it in your shower. You could get one of those and read it for variety's sake.

[Michael]

Rebecca wrote: "Books do go in deeper."

TWSS.

[Helena]

My husband is definitely a non-reader, he does read two papers and some sports magazines but other than that- nada. He doesn’t bug me about my reading, and I don’t bug him about his TV watching, which generally includes reality TV shows and sports (I loathe reality TV shows). It’s a pretty fair trade off, he likes the fact that I’m full of useless knowledge (his words) and a decent trivia partner.

I’m surrounded by non-readers, I guess I’m used to it.

[Phil]

My wife doesn't read much. I have found a few friends who read, but most don't have much time for it -- they all have kids and jobs & such. I don't mind a bit. I have enough interests that I can usually find something in common with just about anyone.

[Jammies]

My ex was a reader, but that didn't stop him from being a self-destructive addict, so if a non-reader came without the addiction and the intent, conscious or unconscious, to suck me dry mentally, financially and emotionally, hell yes I'd date a non-reader.

And both of those articles are fooking depressing. :(

[Julie]

Jammies wrote: "My ex was a reader, but that didn't stop him from being a self-destructive addict, so if a non-reader came without the addiction and the intent, conscious or unconscious, to suck me dry mentally, f..."

LOL...I agree with that, Jammies.

[Stacia (the 2010 club)]

I can agree with that. I don't necessarily want/need my husband to read when I'm reading, nor do I care if we read the same books for the most part. Would it be nice if we had more books in common or more time spent reading in common? Yes, absolutely. Sometimes I wish he understood more why reading makes me so happy.

But, we share so many other things in common and I'd rather have time spent sharing a movie or going for a drive or sitting across the table from each other in a nice restaurant than spending time discussing a book.

[Lobstergirl, el principe]

Okay, well if we've narrowed it down to books, and magazines and newspapers are irrelevant here, then no, it's not necessary to date a reader. I tend to agree with Gabby.

There are lots of couples who are so busy with work and kids that when they finally do get time alone together, they'd rather talk, or take a walk or a hike, or do some hobby, than each sit separately reading a book. I see nothing wrong with this.

Again: the amount of time we have for reading, the inclination to read, fluctuates throughout life. It's possible that some people's reading days are mostly behind them. Maybe they'll find more time to read in retirement.

[Angela~twistedmind~]

My husband's favorite saying is, "If it's any good, they'll make a movie about it." But I love his unenlightened ass, anyway. I don't understand some of his hobbies, he doesn't understand some of mine. We're fine with that. We have plenty of shared interests to get along just fine.

[Laurin]

Stacia *prepares for her duel with Heidi wrote: "Laurin wrote: " I tried to get him to read a CHILDREN'S book, and he wouldn't do it..."

I tried to switch tactics and get mine to listen to an audiobook since he commutes, and he still hasn't. Alt..."

I doubt he'd even do that. I was proud, he started to read a book about Amanda Knox, but disappointed me when he gave up halfway through. You can lead a horse to water...

[Karen K.]

My husband and I have other things we like to do in common like kayaking, traveling, museums, etc.
He reads more fiction than he used to. He used to like to read books about mobsters. When I read The Gold Coast byNelson DeMille, I thought that it would be a perfect book for my husband. He loved it and has read several more books by Nelson DeMille. He's a bus driver and likes to read between runs. He gets a little aggravated because I read ALL THE TIME.
When I read while we are watching TV he will say to me,"What did he say?" Usually I know. I can listen to the TV and read at the same time. Sometimes I think he does it to try to catch me not watching TV. I look forward to when he works at his Traffic Reporter job. Then I can read uninterrupted.
My son and daughters are all readers. My son reads sports books and classics. My 23 year old daughter is like me and reads a variety of genres except she doesn't like romance books. My 20 year old daughter strictly reads classics. Once in a while I can get her to read a contemporary book like The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini.

[Jaimie]

My husband goes through spurts. I'd classify him as a reader but he will put a book he's in the middle of down on the night stand, not read any books for several months, then goes back and finish the book. He also has more than one unfinished book sitting on the nightstand at any given time. I feel naked if I leave the house without a book.

But our reading tastes are different anyway. He likes biographies of famous people, books about any war in history, and sci-fi. I'm horror and fantasy, dark history, and virtually anything else that takes me away from the real world. I don't think we've ever read the same book but we do listen to each other talk about what we're reading.