Should I back off? Also, what does it feel like to be hit on?

[Brittomart]

I think I'm being too protective over one of my suitemates. She's "talking" to a boy, and even though I've never met him, he sounds like trouble. They know each other from class, but on the first night of texting, he kept asking her to come over to his apartment at like, 9PM. He wouldn't give her a reason why he wouldn't come to her dorm, and I was like, "Ummm, Miss Thing (that's what I call her), drop his ass 'cause he ain't up to much."

And I think I almost made her cry the other night 'cause I asked how was her little man friend doing, and this conversation happened:

Suitemate: Oh, he's being a dick.
Me: Why?
Suitemate: He keeps pressuring me to come over
Me: Look, you don't need to go over there by yourself! Especially to some apartment complex that you need to ride a bus to get to! Why can't he come over here? Has he ever given you a reason for that? I think he has (dramatic hand gesture) intentions. You need to leave that boy alone.
Suitemate: But I want to see him. And he said he will come pick me up.
Me: Ride in the car with him! That's worse! Why does he want to see you so bad?
Suitemate: I don't know. He said he just does.
Me: How come he can't spend time with you in your room?
Suitemate: He said 'cause I got a roommate.
Me: Mmmmhm. Well, you grown, Miss Thing, you can do what you want, but you don't need to go over there by yourself. You really don't. And you especially don't need to be riding in no car with him, and he can't even articulate why he wants to be alone with you so badly.

And I could tell she was crying, and I don't know if it was because he was being an asshole or if because I was being right. Or I could be wrong.

Whenever my friends talk about a new boy, I'm immediately defensive, and I become my mother. If this boy is decent, then that's cool. But if it sounds like he's up to no good at all, then I try to warn them as much as I can. I don't know if it's because boys have never...wanted to be up to anything with me, and I'm just naturally suspicious of them. It could be my bitterness talking. And I don't want my friends to get hurt either.

Am I projecting my feelings about boys onto my friends?

[Ken]

There is no shortage of options other than their respective rooms. For instance: bars, restaurants, malls, movie theaters, libraries, bookstores and coffee spots.

If his only invitation to hang out with her is in his room/apartment, she really shouldn’t have to be Mae West to be savvy enough to figure that one out.

[Ken]

From a male point of view (Reminder to Clark: I am not a lesbian), this dude’s playbook sounds a little thin.

[Lori]

Could be, Britt. Not having met the guy, it's impossible to know if he's a good one. What does your friend think? I can tell you for sure it's legit he doesn't want to come to your dorm because she's got a suite mate. Do you all have your own room tho? Does he live alone, in a dorm, in a house? Sometimes if you want to get to know someone it's better one on one than having a 3rd party around. It's nice he's offered to come pick her up, and not have her take the bus. That may not be pressure, that may just be decency!

It sounds like you don't trust guys. Sure, most college guys DO want to get into a girl's pants, but many do want to get to know a girl too.

[Brittomart]

In our suite, there are four rooms. 3 of the rooms are singles. Her room is a double, meaning she has a roommate.

[Lori]

Yes, a coffee place, or some such thing would be much more appropriate! Have they ever hung out together before? Because suddenly my college days are coming back to me, and I would never go over to some guy's house without having gotten to know him better first. What happened to a date to a neutral place? Or hanging out with other people?

Thank you, guys, for helping me remember what college dudes are wanting! But also coming from NYC I did have street smarts. These days with that date rape drug, it's far better to be much much more cautious.

[Brittomart]

No, they haven't hung out together before. They just text. And I've asked what his interests are, what's he like, and she can't tell me, and I'm like, "So...what do y'all talk about?"

But she's boy crazy, so I'm hoping she doesn't do anything...that I wouldn't do.

[Brittomart]

Also, while I'm here, I might as well ask since I've been wondering. The Naive Question of the Day!

What does it feel like to be hit on? aka to have someone try to "holla at you."

'cause I haven't experienced that, and my girlfriends all claim that it makes them feel like shit, but I thought it would be nice to have someone be interested in your appearance.

[Lori]

It's a pain in the ass, Britt, and degrading/disgusting - it used to piss me off!

Of course, the first time I went back to visit NY and it didn't happen anymore, I got kind of depressed. Ha!

[Sarah]

You mean like the stereotypical construction worker whistle?
I've never minded it, as long as it's not followed by something crasser. Just a whistle on a day when you're feeling good and projecting it doesn't bother me.

As a side note, my band has long made fun of the fact that I am somehow irresistably attractive to really scuzzy drunk old men. That's who hits on me after most of our shows.

[ms.petra]

@3.14 that made me laugh! I always get hit on by creepy men. I think it is because they don't really care if they get shot down. and yea, a construction worker's whistle or "hey, lookin' good" comment that is no big deal.
@ Britt the guys we want to compliment us, rarely seem to do the job! I have no problem giving a man I don't know a compliment and often they seem surprised. It is not because I am hitting on them, it is because I appreciate a good looking man and I think guys feel the same way about us. We have become WAY too sensitive about this stuff IMO.

[janine]

i agree with barb. if it's the right person, in the right way, it's a great ego boost.

[Kevin]

hey, here is a little side question that may seem odd but is a legit question i have for britt (because she said it). what is the deal with african-americans (in kokomo we all say black people but that is a diff topic again) using the phrase: grown? britt said "well, you grown" and i here this a lot in rap songs and around town. i had a deal recently where at a city park some punk gangster wanna's (two black one white) were using really nasty language very near some of my friends' little children. i walked up and said "great nite eh? hey listen, can you guys tone the language down a bit? there are some kids nearby. get me?" they just looked at me funny and said "yah" and walked on. then i heard one turn to the others and say "he talking to me like that and i'm a grown man..." i said "you need me bro?" and he kept walking. anywho...so what is up with "being grown" ?

[Brittomart]

Okay, "grown" is basically that you THINK that you can make your own decisions, and you don't need an adult to tell you what to do OR you don't need to listen to an adult. You're big and bad now; you THINK you can handle yourself.

[Kevin]

seems important to some people to be seen as "grown" when mostly it is in their own mind. i have an idea. how about just acting "grown" rather than telling people that you are

thanks for the info britt. just wondering about the phrase

[Harry]

Britt wrote: "What does it feel like to be hit on? aka to have someone try to "holla at you."

'cause I haven't experienced that, and my girlfriends all claim that it makes them feel like shit, but I thought it would be nice to have someone be interested in your appearance. "

Why would it make someone feel like shit? I understand that sometimes guys may come across too aggressive or bring some crappy "lines", but what about having another person thinking you are attractive could possibly make you feel like shit?

It doesn't happen to me that often anymore, but I like it.

[Harry]

But maybe that's because I'm a "grown-ass man"!

[Brittomart]

They say it makes them feel badly because the boys...they aren't exactly gentlemen, and they feel like they were being watched and/or they were streetwalkers. And the boys are lame, they say.

"Grown-ass man" is seriously one of my favourite things to say.

[Harry]

I had no idea that being hit on ended in being called names. I guess that would make someone feel like shit.

I guess it's all in your view of what being hit on actually means. Can someone "hit on" you non-aggressively and with out being an asshole? Is flirting considered hitting on someone?

[Brittomart]

I don't think flirting counts, but with flirting...I never know when it means something or when it's just...flirting.

[Stacia (the 2010 club)]

Wow, I think my definition of being hit on is far different than the general consensus.

I've always taken it to mean that being hit on was when a guy was flirting with you, trying to possibly hook up (get your number, etc.) I don't see anything wrong or offensive with that, if the person is being either playful or respectful.

If you know the person already, then being hit on usually happens when a person's conversation or body language changes to something different than what's usual between the two of you. Maybe the person never really flirted before (some people are constant flirts like it's a personality trait)...maybe the person is dropping hints, maybe they're just leaning in or finding excuses to touch you more.

How can you tell if you're being hit on? How is that explainable? Usually I'd just know if someone's showing an interest. I wish there was a way to transfer that knowledge.

Random guys that grab-ass (clubs/bars are the worst for this), catcall or other things aren't really doing anything but being major jerks. I've never considered such behavior to fall into being hit on.

[ms.petra]

BunWat wrote: "I don't like being "hit on."

I like being told I'm attractive, or that my hair looks good, or that I said something funny. I like being politely invited to join someone for a drink, or a little..."

wow Bun that sounds more like harassment than being hit on...