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[mels]

xD

[[deleted user]]

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[mels]

:)

[Emily]

^-^

[mels]

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[Emily]

><

[mels]

:p

[Emily]

._.

[mels]

:)

[Emily]

v.v

[mels]

:p

[Emily]

,_,

[mels]

:p

[Emily]

:D

[mels]

:)

[Emily]

xP

[mels]

:p

[Emily]

:D

[mels]

:)

[johanna (jo), soliloquist.]

Melisquish wrote: "HA! NO WIN FOR YOU!"

-____- :P

[mels]

XD

[mels]

Hallo!

[Ethan]

I'm great thanks.

Oh... you were talking to Jo? sorry. I'll be off now.

*poofs*

[mels]

She was talking to me xD

I'm great, Shad!

And don't go, Ethan :p
*pulls back into conversation*

[Ethan]

Alright, fine, i'll stay for a bit.

So you remember a while back how I said that I had an idea for a new novel-ish thing?

[johanna (jo), soliloquist.]

ETHAN HAI.
And yes?:D

[mels]

Yay!

And yes, I do?

[Ethan]

oh hey jo.

anyway, Jo and/or meli, would you be open to looking at what I have? it's only like, 760 words, but just to get a feel for the novel.

[Ethan]

well, I guess that I can just post it here then. here it is, if anyone's interested.



Another crumpled paper joined the rest on a pile in the corner of the room. A dim bulb lit the room, doing little more than casting shadows. The rest of the room was filled with a bed with a threadbare blanket and sheets, a desk and chair, and a closet in the wall opposite the window with the shade drawn. Sat alone at the desk, intermittently writing madly and pausing to hum a few bars, was Jonas Nümberg. He had been described by onlookers as ‘wild’ or ‘unkempt’ but a good way to describe Jonas would be… off-putting. He had striking, prominent cheekbones and a firm, set jawline, but it was offset by his long and occasionally lank, dark hair, barely contained by the elastic he was using to hold it in a bun. Several days of stubble were on his face, and he wore a wrinkled white shirt, accompanied by worn pants. He crumpled up and threw another piece of paper away, and it ricocheted off a wall and landed somewhere behind him. Suddenly he groaned in frustration, and stood up, striding from the room.
He emerged into his apartment’s only hallway, leading from his room to the living room. He flicked on the lamp as well as the television and collapsed onto the couch, letting his head fall back as he closed his eyes, sighing. He pulled out his phone and checked his messages; seeing nothing new, he shoved it back in his pocket and sighed deeply.
“This song is never. Going. To. Get. Done.” He said to himself, looking up at the ceiling. He ran his hands through his hair. Feeling restless, he rose from the couch and grabbed his guitar from the wall that it was hanging on, and then sat back down on the couch. He absentmindedly strummed some chords and played a few riffs, watching the news. He was hoping for some kind of inspiration, but none was forthcoming.

Frustration was bubbling up inside of Jonas; he was getting to his breaking point. Lately he’d just been lacking in drive. He seemed to be stuck in something akin to apathy, not feeling the motivation to get up and go do things. He worked his job at a local supermarket, doing checkout. He clocked in, then he clocked out, then he went home and slept. His old passion for music, writing and playing it was gone. He didn’t feel as though it was worth doing anymore. He’d build up the resolve to do it, and when he sat down to get started, all his will would just disappear and he’d end up doing something else, more than likely sitting in front of the television with a bottle in one hand and a remote in the other, idly flicking through channels with no interest.
It was why his last relationship had ended. He had just lost interest in that as well, it didn’t feel like he could muster the effort to make it work, and between his lack of effort and his girlfriend cheating on him, the relationship fell apart.

This evening was frustrating in particular. All of his effort on a song that he’d been working on for the previous month had produced nothing but a chord progression and a melody he wasn’t sure about. It felt as though all of his effort would not come to fruition. He rose from the couch, feeling suddenly as though he needed to go somewhere, to do something. He felt as though he’d been sitting so long that he’d become stagnant, like a dammed up lake.
On his way out the door, he grabbed his favorite coat, brown and beaten up with patches on the elbows, a tear in the back and several missing buttons. It was the coat that his father had given him when he was heading off to university some seven years ago, and it fit like a dream and smelled of home. As he pushed out the door into the swiftly approaching night, he wrapped his scarf around his neck, tucking it into the folds of his jacket. He was hit by a wave of brisk autumn air, and a swirl of leaves from a nearby tree slapped against his face, like the outdoors were mad at him for being gone for so long. Reaching into the right back pocket of his jeans, he pulled out a hat and slipped it over his ears and hair before shoving his hands back into his pockets and walking down the sidewalk a ways, vaguely in the direction of a park he knew.

[Ethan]

also, I'm not looking for really small grammar things just yet, I'm looking more for from this section, would you continue on. The beginning is really the most important part of a book, as it draws the reader in.

[johanna (jo), soliloquist.]

I'd love to, Ethan:)

[Theodosia of the Fathomless Hall]

Hallo, all! Just reading over the posts here--Fine, you could call it stalking the thread. *waves*.
If I may offer my opinion I think the writing style is wonderful! Hm. Already you have the character's position down, but maybe you could establish the where/when/and how of the story.

[Ethan]

all very good points. Again, I realize that there are many issues with flow and things like that, but like I've read in many a place, I need to write the first draft and get it all the way through before I do that kind of thing. So Rowenna, you think that I should get the where when and how of it down, do you have any suggestions? All the ways that I've thought of are clumsy.

[Angie~ Faery of Weirdness]

Hey Ethan, did you write that start of a novel?!
That was really good....^_^

Are you writing more???

If not, you HAVE to write more!!!O_O I'm waiting now...O_O....as you can see...O_O........:P

[Ethan]

I did write the beginning of the novel, and I'm curious as to whether I will write more or not. I'm not sure.

[Theodosia of the Fathomless Hall]

Good point. It's tough to get information there sans trite "Oh, by the way, this character is twenty-four, upper-class, shorter than normal, and is an accomplished Shakespearean actor."

I'll try to think of something. Well--At the beginning you say, "Another piece of paper joined the rest on a pile in the corner of the room". That's more of a zoomed-in view, and contrarily what about something like: "In a ramshackle apartment building in X-town a light was on, and a man sat throwing paper to the corner of his room"? Then zoom in from there.
Maybe taking another perspective for a little while? Not a completely different narrator, but just a zoom-in-zoom-out kind of arrangement?

I won't advise that for writing, admittedly... Only for the what/how/where that could work!

[Ethan]

While I agree that it is hard to get information without being cliche, as stated above, I feel that a zoom in zoom out way of approaching that would be contrary to my particular style of writing. I feel that for the tone that I've seen, it would be detrimental to the novel itself to zoom in and zoom out regularly, even if taking that direction results in loss of "where when and how"

[Theodosia of the Fathomless Hall]

*Considers*. Right-o. I wish you good luck!

[Ethan]

sorry if I stepped on your toes with what I said, I wasn't aiming to offend.

[johanna (jo), soliloquist.]

Rowenna Hawkenswood "We'll ride the gath'ring storm..." wrote: "Hallo, all! Just reading over the posts here--Fine, you could call it stalking the thread. *waves*.
If I may offer my opinion I think the writing style is wonderful! Hm. Already you have the charac..."

You don't necessarily have to do that at the beginning of the story, especially not in the first few paragraphs, or you'll overwhelm your reader.

[johanna (jo), soliloquist.]

I love it, Ethan. :) I would read on. Though - just a point - you do a lot of information dumping at the very beginning: what he's wearing, what he looks like, history, explaining, etc. before getting into the action, which isn't the most engaging way to get your reader into the story and the characters.
It's great, though, I like it. :)

[Angie~ Faery of Weirdness]

Ethan wrote: "I did write the beginning of the novel, and I'm curious as to whether I will write more or not. I'm not sure."

Well, you should continue it from my opinion, I really like it!^_^

[Emily]

o.o

[Ethan]

Jøℌαᾔηα »ℑ'м α ℓїттł℮ мøяℯ тℌαη υşεℓℯşş« wrote: "I love it, Ethan. :) I would read on. Though - just a point - you do a lot of information dumping at the very beginning: what he's wearing, what he looks like, history, explaining, etc. before gett..."

Thanks, Jo, reading over it I agree. I probably won't fix it just yet but that will be considered in editing.

[Dakota]

I am back and it looks like I am taking the lead right now.

[Irene]

Ethan wrote: "well, I guess that I can just post it here then. here it is, if anyone's interested.



Another crumpled paper joined the rest on a pile in the corner of the room. A dim bulb lit the room, doing l..."

I quite like this, however, I do have some things to point out (and I believe I have previously said this, but I am cut and dry, I am not going to sugar coat what I find "wrong", but I will tell you how I think you could fix it). Most of them people have already mentioned, and in my personal experience with doing the first draft and then going back, there are a few things you do fix in the first draft.

Now, as much as I support the first draft theory, I beg to differ that you are to leave every single flaw in it. As you go along you should be learning too, and quite frankly, if your flow is very rough now you should be learning how to fix it as you go so you aren't fixing the entire thing. I don't know how much you have written before, but I did a novel like this and sorting back through and having to fix the majority of 250k is very daunting and tiring and I declared to learn as I go next time and never do such a thing again. I leave the plot holes, grammatical errors, sucky characters, but never miss a chance to improve my style and make it less choppy.

There will be scenes that are rough, and if I saw more of your novel I may say to leave this scene be, but to put it bluntly, right now, I would make this more fluid before moving on to tweak your style just a bit.

Regarding the information dump, I say fix it now. Fix it now so when you continue you can slip in the details a long and along as you continue the story. I don't consider this cliché, I consider it bad. Cliché is acceptable, bad is not. I would re-write this keeping the "viewpoint" you have, and only slip in a few details. Let the reader adjust to what you are showing them, and like when you have him sticking on his hat? This is a great time to describe his hair, is it a wiry brown mess that refuses to behave so he just jams a tight knit hat over his head and tucks the stray strands in or is it straight and he smooths the short black strands back before pulling his hat over them? The bit about the coat is great, and maybe mention what his cheekbones look like when the leaves hit him. Just try to space things out a lot more, and maybe not mention his job until a few paragraphs later.

Now, that I have finished poking holes in things, I have something good and completely positive to say :)

Your descriptions are great, you show instead of tell, and they are unique to your style. I have also been intrigued to find out who this man is, and what his story is. This means that you are off to a great start and I hope you do continue the piece!

[Ethan]

Oh my goodness, this is perfect. i need to come to you for reviews way more often. Thank you so much forthis.

[johanna (jo), soliloquist.]

Irene, that was awesome.

[Emily]

._.

[Irene]

Jøℌαᾔηα »ℑ'м α ℓїттł℮ мøяℯ тℌαη υşεℓℯşş« wrote: "Irene, that was awesome."

Ethan wrote: "Oh my goodness, this is perfect. i need to come to you for reviews way more often. Thank you so much forthis."

*possibly turns a shade of pink* Thank-you :)


@Ethan: Glad to know I was helpful, that's how I normally review things so if you want the honest truth I have no problem telling you where and why your piece sucks and what parts are great :) ...well, the latter I tend to lack in, just because I don't think to mention the good parts since they don't need fixing...but anyhow, I would be more than happy to read more of either this or something different if you would like my opinion on other things.