This is not The Haters Club You're Looking For discussion
I hate being bored at work!
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Um, hey Kristina? If you've been so bored at work why the FUCK weren't you here chatting with me and amusing me with your sex stories hmm? That's what I'd like to know!
I don't even have any good sex stories!!Oh wait, I totally do... except it's SEXTING and I was not a willing participant.
perfect. Lay it on me. No would would sext me in a million years.
Here's the story... A few months ago, I was driving home from my 8:00-5:00 job and received a text message from a fella that said this:
"Would you rather I cum I all over you, rub it around with my fingers, and you can lick it off OR should I just shoot it down your throat?"
This was bad for many reasons, including the fact that I hadn't spoken with this guy in over a month and he had been (and still was) out of town and it was sent with NO CONTEXT WHATSOEVER. Also I'm not a "cum all over" me girl, and if I am going to honestly choose, I will pick neither.
Anyway, I declined to respond. After about twenty minutes, I received this:
"Or I can get out the vibrators and the whipped cream".
I responded with: "You are full of ideas while you're out of town."
He responded with: "You've got to give me a reason to come back."
I didn't respond and it was THE LAST TIME I HEARD FROM HIM.
That's weird, right? Or am I weird? The text messed with me so much, because I've never really been one to get offended and while I was driving along feeling grossed out and red-faced, it dawned on me that I WAS FEELING PERSONALLY OFFENDED! Perhaps for the first time in my 31 years.
Low risk, high potential gain. You haven't talked in a month, so if he seriously upsets you he won't be losing a close friend. Alternately, "Oh, my god, i'm so embarassed! Your name is next to this girl named Kristin on my speed dial and i accidentally..." And who knows, maybe he'll luck into wild monkey sex.
I am personally offended for you! I assume he's someone you've hooked up with before but still! Who does he think he is? Like you're just pining for him wishing he would come back into town and cum all over you because that would just make your day?!? He confused you with some other chick who is fat, ugly and hates herself, I think. Gimme his number. I've got a "sext" for him.
Excellent point, Tom. I didn't even think of it that way... I'm feeling less dirty about it already!
It's a shame you didn't come back with something insulting and/or emasculating, though.
It's a super shame!! I was too shocked to even respond wittily! I hate when that happens.Gretchen, that's EXACTLY how I felt. And yes, I had hung out with him before, but it was never wild or creepy and never involved finger painting with cum. And I wasn't drunk enough to think it was funny... and he wasn't drunk enough to send the text in the first place. It was SO weird!
PS. My mom is on goodreads. Should she ever see these posts, I will have some excellent follow-up stories for all of you.
Tom wrote: "It's a shame you didn't come back with something insulting and/or emasculating, though."A super duper shame. I hate when I can't think of something insulting when I need to.
He must be ridiculed!! Take the next opportunity. Even if he's being a sweetheart at the moment. (does "hung out with him" mean you hooked up? I'm old. I don't know the new lingo)
Kristina wrote: "PS. My mom is on goodreads. Should she ever see these posts, I will have some excellent follow-up stories for all of you."mine too!! I unfriended her a while ago and she doesn't seem to be active. HOPEHOPEHOPE.
Gretchen wrote: "He must be ridiculed!! Take the next opportunity. Even if he's being a sweetheart at the moment. (does "hung out with him" mean you hooked up? I'm old. I don't know the new lingo)"
Yep, I hooked up with him... I wish I hadn't. He has a girlfriend now. My sister and brother-in-law are friends with him. I knew he was an odd duck before we started dating or hanging out or whatever it was...
The last time I was at his house, I accidentally left a necklace that I adored. Then he went out of town for four months and I didn't think I'd ever get it back. My trusty sister was at a party next door to his empty house, called him up and got permission to root around his house to find it for me! Hooray!
Downside, it's covered in cum.
J/K!!
HAH!Yay for your trusty sister!! I love to hear that kind of thing.
So did he have a small dick? Did he drool on your boobs? Did he talk baby talk after sex? Let's ridicule him semi-publicly.
He didn't have the smallest dick I've ever seen, but it was **SIDE STORY** The smallest belonged to a pothead in AZ nicknamed Spikey Mike and I didn't know that it was about his weiner until it was too late. However, once I caught a glimpse of the little guy, I left his apartment and did a walk of shame across the parking lot to my own apartment.
As for this guy, he was actually pretty nice. He was always complimentary and fun in real life. He was just super weird... his family had a bit of money, as did he, and he had one of those weird personalities that comes with growing up with money and getting your way all the time. He was the least grounded person I've ever met in my entire life, but he had the prettiest house ever. ;)
I've been up to my ass and elbows in spreadsheets, so I understand your boredom.
You know, guys don't really like hearing that other guys have small dicks. It's not like we go around saying, "That Shelley, she's got a vagina the size of the Grand Canyon."
Son of a bitch, I am have a problem with commenting...Here's the deal... I had a male friend use the term "beefcurtains" in front of a whole group of my girlfriends a zillion years ago. After that, I figured penis size was fair game. While I'm aware that most guys might not discuss Shelley and her GC Vag, I do know that they talk about boobs and asses, so maybe it evens out?
Also, I don't talk about size very often. It's usually only the extremes, so most people on my Penises I Have Viewed list don't get mentioned ever. Tiny Dick was so remarkably tiny that it belonged in the Guinness Book or in a dollhouse. Seriously.
Gus wrote: "I've been up to my ass and elbows in spreadsheets, so I understand your boredom."What do you do to combat such boredom, or are you one of those people who actually does their job while they are working?
Gus wrote: "You know, guys don't really like hearing that other guys have small dicks. It's not like we go around saying, "That Shelley, she's got a vagina the size of the Grand Canyon.""I've heard guys talk about vaginas (my spell check doesn't believe vaginas is the plural of vagina??) and I've definitely heard things like "nipples the size of dessert plates", ect. and worse. Girls talk. If you've got a giant dick or a tiny dick, you can be pretty sure we're talking about it. Probably not all girls, but Kristina and I are.
vaginae. hmm. it likes that. no little red line underneath. My South African friend taught me my favorite new word for vagina: Fanange. Isn't that great? How about you shove that right up your Fanange? I'll have to facebook her to find out the plural of Fanange.
How about you shove those up your Fanangii? (why do I want to capitalize it?)
Because it looks like the name of an alien species on Star Trek.
I think the plural of vagina is vagina. Like moose is the plural of moose. A herd of vagina.
I think you're right about that, Dave. But it's flock. A flock of vagina.
"Beefcurtains" is just wrong. WRONG.
that might be worse than "hair pie." Nope. I'm wrong. Nothing is worse than that.
I've always thought "hair pie" was funny... Beefcurtains will always be my #1 worst, especially since the use of it was also accompanied by comments like "The size of her beefcurtains" along with some hand motions that would have been awesome if you had to act out SQUID in charades.
I'm going to blame "beefcurtains" on the waxing trend.
Why would the two relate? Waxing would just reveal more of the beef curtain...
I don't know what your vag looks like, but if it looks anything like beef, I think you should go to the doctor.
Servius Sextus Heiner wrote: "I don't know what your vag looks like, but if it looks anything like beef, I think you should go to the doctor."
Or a butcher.
Or a butcher.
Or a butcher.which reminds me of the 2nd worst term: "hatchet wound"
these terms have obviously been devised by men that never ever want to have sex with a woman.
agreed. I just looked beefcurtain up on urban dictionary. Gross!!
Gretchen wrote: "agreed. I just looked beefcurtain up on urban dictionary. Gross!!"
But did you buy beefcurtains mugs, tshirts and magnets ?
Oh wow, I missed out a lot!
Thanks for bumping this thread Kasia. I woke up grumpy and now I'm all happy and giggly. We're funny!
I feel like I've reached the end of the internet, but I know I haven't! What sites do you waste your time on while at work?
I LOVE the discussions on washingtonpost.com. Such great time wasters!!