(By Popular Request) An Open Letter to Senator Larry Craig

[[deleted user]]

Heidi made reference to my open letter to Mr. Wide Stance in the "I Hate That I Can't Really Hate" thread. Apologies for the length, but I do think it's worth it.


August 30, 2007 - Thursday


An Open Letter to Senator Larry Craig, For Not-So-Obvious Reasons


Dear Senator Craig,

I am not writing this letter to admonish you for your alleged sexual peccadilloes. Soliciting sex from another man in a public toilet? Isn't that the kind of stuff best left for has-been British pop stars? Needless to say, the irony that you, as an anti-gay Senator, were busted in a Minneapolis airport stall soliciting sex from another man isn't lost on me. Nor is it lost on most other people who view your anti-gay, pro-family values stance as nothing more than just another case of Conservative hypocrisy gone wild. Your right-wing brethren will now leave you out to dry, now that your fondness for cruising has been exposed. Can't have any gay men representing the Republican core values of intolerance all in the name of "family values."

(Right...like there's no such thing as a gay Republican...)

I'm not even going to bring up that pathetic display of yours in front of the press. "Thank you all for coming...I'M NOT GAY!" you insisted, repeatedly. Maybe if you chanted "I'M NOT GAY!" then you wouldn't be gay. There you go! Gayness cured. And there was much rejoicing in Conservativeville. Let's not forget that the press made you gay. Oh, that damned "liberal" media! There they go exposing right-wing self-loathing homosexuals-turned-gay bashers!

Then again, you've "never been gay," so what's the big deal, right?

Ah, Senator, don't delude yourself. You're gay. But I'm not going to kick you while you're down. You've got your own drama to sort out. But you have created some unnecessary drama for me.

Senator Craig, I am writing this letter to curse you for now making me extremely paranoid every time I am compelled to take a dump at a public restroom. The next time I'm forced to use a public toilet after I've eaten a Homewrecker burrito from Moe's Southwest grill, I will now have to make a fateful choice: do I take the chance that I will be inadvertently hit while I'm taking a shit? Is it possible I can hold out long enough to relieve myself in the privacy of my own home?

You see, like you, I prefer having a wide stance when I crap. A wide stance allows me to be comfortable when taking care of my business. My momma taught me, while she was potty training me, that wider is better. Get those legs spread apart, give a good push, and let gravity take over. I'm a big fella, 6'3'' and long-legged. Most public bathroom stalls are pretty tight. I need all the legroom I can muster.

Also, like you, I like tapping my feet when I'm taking a dump. Unless another man was kind enough to leave a newspaper or magazine behind, I have nothing to do with myself while I poop. Which is why I tap my feet; it helps to pass the time. Now I'll have to keep my already-anxious feet under control, lest I inadvertently rub my size 13 shoes all over my stall neighbor's feet. And everyone knows being seen carrying a newspaper/magazine/hardcover copy of Infinite Jest to the nearest bathroom screams "he's getting ready to take a dump." I like a little privacy; I don't care to announce to the world that I need to shit.

I'm sure you've been faced with having dump sweats in public before. There are few worse feelings in the world than that feeling that you're about to shit your drawers. Making that painful I'm-holding-my-poop-in duck walk towards the bathroom all the way on the other side of the floor isn't fun. Especially after I've just had last night's leftovers with some Activia yogurt by Dannon. Speaking of which, have you ever sampled Activia? Oh, my goodness, that is some delicious yogurt. It comes in yummy flavours like Peach, Strawberry and Vanilla. Plus it's got that Bifidus Regularis which acts better than any enema I've ever had to sample. The name's probably made up, but Bifidus Regularis treats my lunch like shit through a goose. Now I'm going to have to think twice about eating some Activia at work. Hell, I'm going to have to think about having lunch or dinner in public from now on.

I'm sure I speak for many red-blooded straight males (and, perhaps, many disconcerting gay males who really want to take a shit and not engage in risky, anonymous sex with another male) when I say that fuck you very much for ruining one of the great private experiences any man can enjoy. I remember the only peace my dad would ever have was when he took a shit. That man would take his newspaper and spend a good 30 minutes in the john alone, catching up on today's news and sneaking a smoke in the meantime. Nowadays, a man can't take a shit in public without some self-important chooch carrying on a loud conversation on his BlackBerry. I want some quiet when I'm emptying my bowels, thank you so much.

Honestly, I was unaware that men had sex with one another in bathroom stalls. I was under the impression this sort of illicit behaviour took place in highway rest stops, or in plain sight at gay discos. I've never thought twice about whether or not that Senior Vice President-type reading his Wall Street Journal in the stall next to mine wants me to fulfill his rent-boy-at-the-bus-depot fantasies. Or, worse yet, if the guy taking a leak at the urinal next to mine wants to flash me his limp boner. Senator Craig, I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps the incident in the bathroom stall was just a simple misunderstanding. Maybe you were just reaching for a fallen piece of paper under the adjoining stall? Maybe you needed some reading material to pass your time, since you were getting ready to take a lengthy dump, and there's a discarded copy of the USA Today within your grasp.

Maybe not.

Now, Senator, if you'll excuse me...I have to go to the bathroom. The meal I just had from that Chinese restaurant is starting to disagree with me. So help me God, there'd better not be anyone in the bathroom when I get there.

Sincerely,


Gus Sanchez
Charlotte, NC

[Heidi]

GUUUUS! I swear I can't read this without laughing through tears. Fakk you very much.

(I mean that in the nicest way possible.)