Try Not to Die: An Interactive Adventure discussion
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Try Not to Die
A Safe Place to Share, Grieve, Vent, or Listen
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I have struggled my whole life. Bad childhood, no friends. No one to talk to. I enjoy the chats I have had with you. Thank you Mark.
Mod
Hey Emily. I've really appreciated our talks and I love the connection we've made with your son as well. I wish you could have had an easier path, but I'm so glad you managed to overcome all of that and remain a loving and kind person. That speaks volumes about you.
After 7 years in therapy, I still can't talk about all the things, but I am ALWAYS available if anyone needs someone to talk to. I know the struggle all too well, and I also know what it's like to not have anyone who understands to talk to. TNTD by your own hand was amazing, btw. I am so glad this was done.
Your intro to TNTDBYOH really hit hard. thank you for sharing your experiences. I've struggled throughout my life with thoughts like that, mostly in high school and college, and came as close as standing in my apartment bathroom with a bottle of pills wondering if I should down them all. I'm so glad I didn't. Things get rough now, but nothing as bad as that moment. Nothing that makes those thoughts come back. I've always had a good support system with my family, but I've truly felt a part of something bigger these last few years. Now I have my in person family and my family throughout the world.
My personal history reads like one of those 'misery lit' books that were all the rage a while ago. I've lived one of those unlikely lives in which I've endured 'Guinness Book of Records' qualifying mental and physical damage which could easily be written off as deluded bullshit fantasy were it not for the physical evidence of an abused childhood such as the dozens of scars on my legs where I was fastened to a post with barbed wire and left out in the rain to free myself, or the burns on my arm and hand where my dad proved to his friend that I have a high tolerance for pain by using a lit match and a lighter on my wrist to see which I could tolerate longer before he put a cigar out on the back of my hand. What he didn't know was that I have Asperger's, so I process a lot of things differently, including my reactions to pain, not as though he would have cared. He'd probably have doubled-down. He was a singularly evil beast.At one point I ended up in prison for the crime of discussing a potential book plot with one of my brothers, who mentioned it to a friend (a cop with nothing better to do), resulting in me being remanded in custody for nine months awaiting trial. While there I had psych assessments, not so much from the angle of helping me, more to find out if I was capable of the stuff I had discussed. For the record I was acquitted. I'm not psychotic, just 'different'.
I've been mugged four times, one of which was so severe that it left me with significant scarring (my skull was smashed and my face burst) and brain damage with associated memory loss etc. I have a lot of residual incurable damage from that to add to a wealth of illnesses such as Meniere's Disease, Asthma, Type 2 Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, and a benign mass the size of a grapefruit on my left Kidney. To quote Dr Malcolm in Jurassic Park: "Life finds a way".
My 'conditions' are somewhat restrictive and my life is lived in near total isolation. I only regularly interact socially with one person in 'real life'... my fiancée (we live together), and we see her mom sometimes. Even though I have been part of online writing communities for decades and am quite involved in the horror writing community, I've only ever met one member of the horror author community in person, which as luck would have it was Mark Tullius. My fiancée and I met him for a couple of hours at the Frankfurt book fair. We couldn't stop long as it was a brief detour on our way to spend a long weekend at my fiancée's mom's.
Mark is every bit as nice in person as he is online and then some.
I'm spilling the beans on my background as none of it is secret, and I just want to throw it out there that if anyone reading this has any issues that they believe nobody will understand then think about how you have responded in your mind as you have been reading my post.
If you're the kind of person who will dismiss it all as bullshit then you're probably in the majority, as no matter how much we'd like it to be otherwise, the world is a hostile place, BUT if you're the kind of person who is able to relate to what I have said in any way, or has any kind of empathy with it, you're not alone, there are others like you, and making yourself known can be the difference making someone like me feel safer in the world.
Mark knows about making connections, he's very good at it, and the world is a better place with him in it, so I am glad he fights and wins.
I'll end here as I'm just rambling now. I hope you all find the happiness you deserve.
Mod
Thank you for sharing this, and your thoughts on BYOH. I often share with my kids how the best thing about finding myself as a writer is connecting with others that have been hurt and are healing. I'm really glad you're part of my circle.
Mod
Hey Rebecca. Thank you for sharing this. I really wasn't expecting anyone to respond so this is pretty amazing. I could be working on TNTD: Satan but sitting here with these messages means 100 times more. It sounds like you and I are on a similar path and I'm so happy to hear how it's going for you.
Mod
Wow. I'm floored by this. I only knew a fraction of the health stuff but none of the childhood, prison, assaults. No person should have to suffer through any of what you mentioned, let alone all of it.
I often had a hard time wondering how my childhood could have messed me up when I didn't have any serious trauma, but I've learned that it also doesn't take much to ruin a kid. The fact that you went through all of this and are still such a nice and giving person says so much about you.
I hope you know just how much you coming down to the Buchmesse means to me and that every single day I look at the Slipknot mask with fondness.
I'm fortunate to have you as a friend and I am excited to be creating with you. Much love, brother. Sorry you didn't get it as a child so you have to accept double servings now.
Things are getting better all the time. I look upon everything in the past as the building blocks of who I now am. Once I'd reached the ultimate low it was as if I had discarded the baggage of the things which broke me, allowing me to start from scratch and become the real me. As the song says "The Only Way is Up".Being part of your life and your work is great for rehab and a lot of fun.
Mod
That's a wonderful perspective and I'm glad we're in this together.
Try Not to Die means more to me than just the series and I now use that as my mantra. I'm no longer just satisfied with just surviving day to day, but actively trying to make each of those days a little better, either for me or someone I encounter.
I'm proud of all the private conversations I've had with readers regarding their own struggles and thought I'd open this topic in case anyone cares to share (semi)publicly. All humans experience pain, but I believe that those who share their pain and realize they aren't alone in it, are the ones who handle it the best.
But I also understand 100% if no one comments here. More than anything, I just want you all to know that I'm here if you need someone to listen.