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Ava's Thoughts
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May 28, 2025 09:09PM
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I will probably mainly rant and talk about random things I think of on here lol
Thursday may (???)so today was fine but my symptoms were flaring a lot, I couldn't do much and I had a pretty bad panic attack, then a small panic attack later because of a spider. I spent too much time on goodreads. I also have some new symptoms which are causing me a lot of anxiety. overall it wasn't the worst day but not great
but I got out for a car ride which was really good, plus I finished the book I was reading and made a few quizzes :)
(is this an OK way for my journal to be?)
Mod
i'll start actually keeping this updated, maybe just short things though lol
2:58 pm, monday june 16, 2025i've had a bad headache all day and that's kind of all, i'm also just very bored
still in pain, its way worse now, i took medicine but i'm scared because of my emetophobia even though its supposed to not have side effects
i read a book where the character has anxiety... it seemed like she didn't even have anxiety and thats when i realized just how bad my anxiety is
my mood right nowcamden
Block me out
this is me trying
pretty isn't pretty
because songs describe me more than I can
i think I might delete this, i feel like i overshared...
thanks, yeah I just always feel like I share too much and that people won't like me...
you know its bad when you can't write a main character who doesn't have anxiety because you don't know how they would think
if I was in a forest and I saw a bear I would think "oh cool a bear" if I saw a human in a forest I would be scared and want to run in the other direction
i don't know why, but i have the smallest bit more hope today. just a slight feeling of... i don't know... just that there could be something okay in the future... i don't think i'll be able to hold onto this feeling but i hope
well... that good mood quickly went away
(since everyone is commenting if people are allowed to comment on their journal or not i don't mind if people want to on mine lol)
Ava i HATE To see u like this aswl!!!! and im so srry ur going through all this and listen to me bc honestly, that tiny bit of hope you’re feeling? That’s everything. Even if it’s just a little spark right now, it means u’re still fighting, even when everything feels like it’s falling apart. I know it’s insanely hard to hold onto that feeling sometimes, but trust me, it’s real, and it can grow into something amazing. u’re way stronger than you think, even if you don’t see it yet. And I KNOW this. We all see you, we love you, and we’re here for you no matter what, and believe in u with all our hearts. Plssss hold on to that hope, even if it’s just a flicker rn bc one day, it can become ur whole world! So plsss dont feel this way, it rlly hurts seeing u go through this. u deserve so much more than pain and darkness. u’re so important to me, Ava, and everyone else, and I srsly meant every word. And dw ur not alone in any of these feelings! And im always here for u <33
And omg i've been scrolling through the other stuff u said. i guess i rlly hv more to say to u bc omgg u SHOULD NOT hate urself. Ava, honestly, everything u’re feeling and sharing is so part of wht makes u uniquely you. ur anxiety, ur fears, the way u see the world differently, it’s not a flaw or smth to be ashamed of. It’s ur story, ur voice, and it’s powerful.Ik it’s scary and exhausting, but tht vulnerability, that honesty is what connects u to people who truly care and see the real u. U don’t hv to hide or be “perfect” (which isnt a thing) u’re enough just as u are.
Yk ur strength isn’t about never struggling, it’s abt facing every hard day and still moving forward, even if it’s just a tiny step. And trust me, those tiny steps add up.
u don’t have to change or hate urself to deserve love and kindness. You already do. Everyone here luvs u just as u are!!
NELL ( swimmer version) wrote: "No version cause now I can say this all Ava you are perfect since day one that I’ve joined Goodreads and I joined a group. You welcome me with open arms and I love that about you. You made me feel ..."exactly!!!!! she was like the first person who welcomed me to gr!
Ava you are one of the many nicest people here don't give up
SEE THIS, AVA? THIS IS LOVE. IT'S THE VERY PROOF OF IT. AND IT’S ALL FOR YOU. YOU!! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US IS HERE FOR YOU, SENDING YOU ALL THE SUPPORT AND CARE YOU DESERVE. YOU’RE NEVER ALONE ❤️
thank you all so much!!!! that means a lot to me ilysm <3333
Your welcome Ava I love you and remember there is always someone who cares about you
ava you are so beautiful and sweet and i know life is hard sometimes but just remember that so many people on here love you and that you are so special.
Treyviathan - wrote: "woah- I got a lot of notifs about this place- oh- that's why-*sigh* okay, well even though I dunno you very well. I'mma say that it's not good to hate yourself because it leads to a lot of bad thi..."
loll
AND YES A LOTTTTTT OF PPL
(and ALSo AVA DID u seeee my lrlrlrlrlllllyyyy longggggggg msssge bc u should know everything thereee bc every single word i rlly meant)
it really means a lot to me to hear that
Ava ౨ৎ wrote: "it really means a lot to me to hear that"npp <33
AVACADO RULES (idk whats happening i just see people randomly fangirling over Ava so Im here to join)
lmaooo we were tryna mke her feel better and show her shes not alone
why did that make me laugh so much though 😭😂
going back to using this as a journal... i honestly have no idea how to really write how i feel so i decided to write a song about it and i wanted to put it somewhere just to get it out i guess
I’m drowning in a desert ‘cause i thought it was an ocean
Don't ask me how, but all i know is that i'm broken
Down
Tripped over the air and i smiled when i fell down
Cause for a moment i felt something
This might sound almost crazy but right now i miss the pain
Now that it's gone i’m struggling to stay sane
But i'm fine i swear im fine
Wear a smile while my hopes and dreams die
Laugh out loud but no one hears it when i cry
God why am I lying?
I guess i’m not fine
Peace is a curse they disguise as a blessing
I'd rather be pushed around, broken down
Now my thoughts are the only things that hurt me
Somehow i'm on fire but still empty
Ok, I'm trying to take this one day at a time... but it's hard... i just... I want to... I know, I know i'm trying to stop... i'm trying but it's hard
i keep being unable to decide how i feel about everything. one second im fine and the next i feel like everythings crumbling down and theres no point... right now im fine but it feels weird because at the same time i just... its hard to explain
i usually wake up feeling a bit better but today i just don't
i don't know, just mentally i usually feel reset or ok when i wake up but idk today i just don't
My parents want me to eat more. they dont understand. I. cant. eat. any. more. than. this
i'll gain weight... i already am barely losing weight fast enough... i havent exercised properly for a few days... if anything i need to eat less
possible TWi'm okay with starving as long as i can lose weight... as long as i look better and as long as i'm skinny i don't care about my health
thanks, i just... i don't know its impossible to eat at this point
