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Ava's Thoughts
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My song I wrote just sorta about my life and how I feel… SORRY IF ITS A BAD WAY OF JOURNALLING THIS IS JUST THE ONLY WAY I CAN EXPRESS HOW I FEEL 😭
Blow out the candles it’s alright
I’ve only been living for half my life
Ohh it’s alright
Sink into the pain and let it hurt
I’d delete my history for better or worse
I don’t wanna get older
I was never a child
I don’t wanna miss sunlit days
Though they only came once in a while
Seems like I’ve been a ghost
Since I was eight years old
Effortlessly floating through crowds
Always lost but never found
I don’t really know what’s to come
I just don’t think I’m ready for it all
Another oneeeee (I wrote this while crying at midnight one day lol)I was left with a constellation of scars
Your words left permanent marks
On me
I put up so many walls
I built my own city
I’m handwritten letters I’ll confess
It’ll never be the same again
How can I make it to 14
When it just keeps getting worse
How can they keep smiling at me
When they don’t know how much it hurts
How can you expect me function
If the memories never fade
I don’t know if I want to get older
Is that okay?
So I tried writing a song with only lines I wrote in my diary… so…Every second I’m breaking more
I cry every time I pass a mirror
It’s all madness
A maze I’m trapped in
Spiraling until I reach the end
Another day went by it’s all the same
A blur
Of white and gray
And searing red pain
God what has become of me
No I think I’m actually crazy
Not quite bittersweet
Not sad or happy
My life collapsed on me
I’m my own enemy
But it’s all fine
I don’t really mind
My new favorite thing is pretending I’m alright
Every second I try to stand tall
As if I’m not this close to ending it all
So yeah that’s all I have 😭
One more that’s it I promiseI’m here dying from this unrequited love story
I’m still writing pages but our chapters are all empty
I’ll say goodnight to my ruined pride and all my hopeless dreams
Can we find a way to end this unrequited love story?
I’m working on the final drafts
Your name is on the top of the page
I’m not even in your worthless plans
Can’t keep my eyes off your stupid face
Well now I can say I’ve been to the er 4 times in the past 6 months 😭😭
I’ve googled these weird new symptoms and they’re all life threatening and dangerous… the doctor didn’t care… my blood oxygen dropped twice today down to 80 within 10 minutes of eachothers for 5ish minutes each time… my heart rate went up to 244 and down to 36… I had the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life in my head suddenly that went away half an hour later… my fingertips looked brown… I can’t think right… im so exhausted… but at the er they said it’s fine but idk… medical gaslighting is definitely a thing lmao
Sophia "love me, love me not" wrote: "Ava ˚࿔ wrote: "Well now I can’t say I’ve been to the er 4 times in the past 6 months 😭😭"oh. my gosh 🥲"
yeah that’s just life with a chronic illness ig 😭
It’s kinda scary knowing that any moment my blood oxygen could drop again and just not come back up
The drops have been getting more frequent…
Ik it’s not a reliable source but like based on these symptoms and research I’ve done I could literally die… my oxygen levels have been dropping 1-2 times a day down to like 80… I’ve had horrible headaches, way worse tachycardia, weird neurological symptoms…
Help I have all the symptoms of heart failure 😭 istg I don’t have health anxiety I’m not scared I’m almost laughing it’s so weird… but like this could be serious…
My vitals are ok rn but like randomly they aren’t…
So yeah I really need a lung function test and echocardiogram I had them scheduled but maybe not soon enough…
I’m too young for it to be anything but like this isn’t normal 😭
Treyviathan - T.R.⦻.L (Terrifier Version) wrote: "..."….
good luck, please get well soon.
Also I don’t wanna scare anyone I promise I’ll probably be fine I needed somewhere to get all this out 😭
Treyviathan - T.R.⦻.L (Terrifier Version) wrote: "good luck, please get well soon."thanks…. I mean I’ll never fully get well lol it’s called chronic for a reason but yeah I hope this stuff gets a bit better…
as I said before, if you need anyone for comfort my pms are open
anytime <3
Let’s just hope I don’t have to go to the er a fifth time this year……… I don’t think I will but like there’s a chance if things get worse……
yeh, let's hope
2 more oxygen drops today… fun… only one went to 85 though the other wasn’t as bad
So yeah no improvement… and my stupid pediatricion is refusing to see me for anything except adhd testing because that’s what I was referred to her for at first. I’ve also seen her for physical stuff for months now though and she knows way more than my family doctor 😭 he once said he wasn’t qualified to tell me if I should go to the er 💀
I had eating disorder clinic today and it went terribly
It was ok but like the treatment style has affected me negatively a lot and I only eat not because I’m scared of going back and not because I’m better…
and the person said “scared of going back to the hospital?”
and um I had the worst panic attack I’ve had for a while
Basically suddenly I was literally on the ground sorta like huddled on the ground crying and hyperventilating…. I was able to get up about 10 minutes later…. I was having such bad flashbacks and sm anxiety and I felt like I was there again
yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyI love eating disorders
ash ⋆˚꩜｡ (haitus for theater) wrote: "yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyI love eating disorders"
the fact that it took me a minute to realize this was sarcasm 💀
Lost my main safe food today… it just tastes disgusting now
That was the main part of my lunch and dinner every day…
ok I found a new favorite food (yay!)
and uhhh yesterday I had more blood oxygen drops and they were worse and like baddddd lung pain so I think this is progressing… fun
BUT THE LIFE OF A SHOWGIRL IS COMING OUT TONIGHTTTTT
I can’t even call it love
We only got a glimpse of us
Not quite a situation ship
Still waiting for the day we kiss
You were killing time talking to me
We’re just biding time till it breaks me