Ava's Thoughts

[Ava ୨ৎ (showgirl version)]

My dad said I can’t have anorexia… he thinks it’s all sensory issues and my chronic nausea… I explained and he gets it but idk I never talk about how the reason I was starving wasn’t because I didn’t like foods it was because I starved myself because I hate my body so damn much

[Ava ୨ৎ (showgirl version)]

Nvm whatever I’m fine

[Ava ୨ৎ (showgirl version)]

I want to…l said I would stop it I wrote it on my list of goals for this month… but I can’t even make it one day… im just struggling so much rn…. Idk what to do but idk how to fight the temptation despite trying to stop… well idk

[Ava ୨ৎ (showgirl version)]

Sorry for being so vague 😭

[Ava ୨ৎ (showgirl version)]

Some days I wish I could list everything bad in my life and everything bad that’s happened but it feels like attention seeking and annoying…

[Ava ୨ৎ (showgirl version)]

So much for recovering

I just googled bmi calculator took a quiz of what diet is right for me and researched about losing weight…. Help 😭

[Ava ୨ৎ (showgirl version)]

I’m eating as much as possible still rn but……..

[Ava ୨ৎ (showgirl version)]

I want an ed again

[Ava ୨ৎ (showgirl version)]

I was able to lose weight… well I still have it but like I want it to get bad again so I can look better and lose weight and ig it is it I’m eating and I shouldn’t and will to avoid the hospital but like it’s so hard and I’m so fat now and gaining weight and I should starve myself again and idk what to do ughhhh and I just I want it to be like how it was again, when I ate 400 calories a day and that’s not healthy but idc and I’m eating as much as I can but idk and I don’t want to go back but do I care???

[Ava ୨ৎ (showgirl version)]

And it’s just I feel like I’m drowning and I’m just…. I wasn’t extremely underweight with the ed anyways, my bmi was 16.8… it’s 18 now… I’m fat and ugly and worthless…. I should go back to how I was…. But I won’t… I won’t…. Right?

[Ava ୨ৎ (showgirl version)]

I can’t vent in any other groups because that feels like attention seeking and I feel alone still when I vent in here but it is what it is… like yes if someone in the melojax fam saw this they would be like no you can always vent us but idk it feels like I’m venting too much

[minnie_xoxo]

Ava ୨ৎ wrote: "I can’t vent in any other groups because that feels like attention seeking and I feel alone still when I vent in here but it is what it is… like yes if someone in the melojax fam saw this they woul..."

not to prove your point.. but you can always vent to us! we love you and are here for you, and dont worry you arent venting too much. i want to listen to you, and i want to help you feel better, and i care a lot about you, so don't worry, you can always rant 🤍

[minnie_xoxo]

Ava ୨ৎ wrote: "And it’s just I feel like I’m drowning and I’m just…. I wasn’t extremely underweight with the ed anyways, my bmi was 16.8… it’s 18 now… I’m fat and ugly and worthless…. I should go back to how I wa..."

your not fat or ugly ava! i know you dont feel great about your weight, but your not fat! your not worthless. you are one of the most beautiful (inside and outside, and i mean it) and kindest person ive ever met

[Ava ୨ৎ (showgirl version)]

minnie |hiatus| {zoey bias} wrote: "Ava ୨ৎ wrote: "I can’t vent in any other groups because that feels like attention seeking and I feel alone still when I vent in here but it is what it is… like yes if someone in the melojax fam saw..."

I PREDICTED THE FUTURE! But anyways thank you so much <3

[Ava ୨ৎ (showgirl version)]

minnie |hiatus| {zoey bias} wrote: "Ava ୨ৎ wrote: "And it’s just I feel like I’m drowning and I’m just…. I wasn’t extremely underweight with the ed anyways, my bmi was 16.8… it’s 18 now… I’m fat and ugly and worthless…. I should go b..."

aww thank you so muchhh you are literally the sweetest person 🤍

[minnie_xoxo]

Ava ୨ৎ wrote: "minnie |hiatus| {zoey bias} wrote: "Ava ୨ৎ wrote: "I can’t vent in any other groups because that feels like attention seeking and I feel alone still when I vent in here but it is what it is… like y..."

of course <3 i know ive said it before and ill say it again. you can always vent. ill always have a lsitening ear for you im here for u you aren't alone 🤍

[Ava ୨ৎ (showgirl version)]

okayyy, tysm <33

[ash ⋆˚꩜｡ (haitus for theater)]

hey ml!! i js wanted to reach out as a fellow emetophobe to say i empathize and understand what you're going through, and that you're not alone (i believe i met you on another group as well, you seemed very sweet)

idk if this will help but i do have a therapist specializing in emetophobia, he wrote a book on it and actually changed my life. its called the emetophobia manual <3

but enough advertising, you can always vent here and know we are all here for you <33

[Ava ୨ৎ (showgirl version)]

hii! aww tysm <3

[ash ⋆˚꩜｡ (haitus for theater)]

ofc!! <3

[Ava ୨ৎ (showgirl version)]

I’m leaving this group for now, I’ll still be on other groups though, (just cause my parents will look through my groups and won’t like everything I’ve said in my journal 😭)

[Ava ˚࿔ (the fate of ophelia)]

Actually I’ll be on this group still just on this acc

[Ava ˚࿔ (the fate of ophelia)]

Texted my crush on instagram asking for his number… I’m so nervoussss

[^-^]

I bet

[Ava ˚࿔ (the fate of ophelia)]

Yeah..l he still hasn’t responded 😭 it usually takes a few weeks though

[^-^]

oh 💀

[Ava ˚࿔ (the fate of ophelia)]

I don’t think he checks instagram though because he never sees my messages and when he does he replies (he’s also texted me first a few times)

[Ava ˚࿔ (the fate of ophelia)]

One day clean from sh…

[Ava ˚࿔ (the fate of ophelia)]

It’s not much but I haven’t made it to one day even for over a month or so…

[Ava ˚࿔ (the fate of ophelia)]

I’ll try to take it one day at a time but idk…

[Ava ˚࿔ (the fate of ophelia)]

This is really hard 😭

[Treyviathan - T.R.⦻.L (TVN Version) (Short hiatus)]

??

[Ava ˚࿔ (the fate of ophelia)]

I’ll try to make it to 2 days… idk if I can but I’ll try…

[Ava ˚࿔ (the fate of ophelia)]

Treyviathan - wrote: "??"

I edited what I wrote so it said

[Treyviathan - T.R.⦻.L (TVN Version) (Short hiatus)]

what exactly do you mean

[Treyviathan - T.R.⦻.L (TVN Version) (Short hiatus)]

oh.

[Ava ˚࿔ (the fate of ophelia)]

Oh um just look up what it stands for

[Treyviathan - T.R.⦻.L (TVN Version) (Short hiatus)]

as a sh doer, it feels right to do until it gets harder to hide

[Ava ˚࿔ (the fate of ophelia)]

Yeah I get that

[Treyviathan - T.R.⦻.L (TVN Version) (Short hiatus)]

i mean it's good that you're trying to stop. if you need a friend, I'm here, k?

[Ava ˚࿔ (the fate of ophelia)]

Ok thanks <3

[Treyviathan - T.R.⦻.L (TVN Version) (Short hiatus)]

anytime <3

[Ava ˚࿔ (the fate of ophelia)]

I miss him…

[Ava ˚࿔ (the fate of ophelia)]

We didn’t date…

[Ava ˚࿔ (the fate of ophelia)]

But I NEED him…

[Ava ˚࿔ (the fate of ophelia)]

It’s literally worse than a crush at this point…

[Ava ˚࿔ (the fate of ophelia)]

I wish I could at least be friends with him again…

[Ava ˚࿔ (the fate of ophelia)]

I hate that I haven’t seen him for a year…

[Ava ˚࿔ (the fate of ophelia)]

I’m just gonna put the lyrics of songs I wrote in here… it’s the only way I can describe how I feel 😭

[Ava ˚࿔ (the fate of ophelia)]

The chorus and bridge of a song I wrote last night…

Till I’m sleeping in a hospital bed
Some kind of monitor on my hand
That’s when I knew my efforts counted
Kinda messed up but it gave me validation
My only goal in life what to get worse
I thought starvation would make me prettier

I want back
Into that dark place
I shed a couple pounds
Gained them back you can see if on my face
Back when I was at my worst
It was easier
I don’t want back there but I do
The on,y downside is missing you